Who is he and what are we?

April 09, 2016

Every once in a while, I come on this blog and whine about how much of a mess I am; this time is no different. Yes, I'm a mess again. My life has always been melodramatic, I attract the wrong attention and the wrong people. Everywhere I go, drama follows. I've grown used to it by now and this time is no different.

They say darkness doesn't exist; darkness is just the absence of light. But when you've been in darkness for so long, you forget how the light looks like. Every time I let a ray of light in, hoping that it may light me up, it ends up burning me over. At the end of the day, all that I'm left with is a scalded part of me, a part that's even darker than before.

Therefore, I grew to love solitary over the years. I'm okay with being on my own and I started focusing on building my life up instead of worrying for others and slowly, my life became brighter on my own. The parts that were scalded remained dark and I thought I would never touch those parts of me ever again. Leave them, let them be. They wouldn't hurt if you don't think about it.

But things changed at such a rapid speed that it became increasingly frightening for me. On one hand I'm trying to fight for my own happiness, to do what makes me happy. On the other, I'm doing something that's again my own morals and I know I'm being so freaking selfish. 


I've never seen him around but for some reason, the first time I set my eyes on him, my heart skipped a beat. It felt different. I've fallen in love at first sight before – even though it should have been a warning sign that he's not my type and I wouldn't have fallen for his looks – I brushed this aside. It can't be anything, it must have been me overthinking or feeling too tired from work.

I was strangely attracted to him. The girl who never liked small talks found herself fighting the urge to talk to him. I wanted to know about him – his age, his marital status, his occupation, his life. And I didn't even know his name yet. I guess he must have been curious as well, because he asked about me too.

By some sudden twist of fate mixed together with a stroke of magic, we started texting. It started innocently enough. I was fresh out of a break up with a guy I loved with the whole of my heart. I always thought my ex was perfect but I guess he's not perfect for me. And I told myself, if that guy, who was the perfect boyfriend in the beginning, can just walk out of my life like that, I never want to fall in love again; at least not for these couple of years.

We talked about my break up, I texted him when I was hysterical and pissed. I thought I was going to lose myself. But he, being someone with more experiences, assured me it'll be over before I know it, and he listened to me rant when I was lost and trying to figure out what to do with my life. We talked, and we talked a lot. Sometimes till late in the night, way past my sleeping hours. For the first time in a long while, I screwed up my body clock just so I can stay awake to talk to someone.


How is it possible that we had so much to talk about when we barely knew each other? We had nothing in common – not our jobs, not our hobbies and here's the thing: we aren't even from the same generation. He's more than one zodiac cycle before me, but we had endless topics and our conversation went on and on without us even trying. Everything came so naturally and we couldn't stop chatting. Was he just entertaining me? Never mind that thought, I was already hooked.

It was strange. I never noticed it until my friends pointed it out but I was no longer addicted to sadness and my life stopped being melancholy. I became a fuller, happier and more confident person. I stopped being such a pessimist and became a more positive person. And that wasn't the only thing that changed. Our friendship did too.

I fought those feelings... I fought so hard because I know things are impossible between us. I couldn't tell anyone for the fear of what would they think of me, of us. Everyday I told myself I'm not interested; when he asked, I replied I didn't like him that way. He said the same as well, "You know we cannot be together right?" We both agreed, but our actions told otherwise.


In just one month, I lost the battle. I stopped trying to resist those feelings. I know it myself, I know what I felt and I know I want it. I asked him before I left, "Do you think we'll continue to see each other?" He only replied my question with another of his own, "Do you want to?" I couldn't bring myself to answer him. I thought the phrase "literally speechless" was an exaggeration but that night I opened my mouth, no words came out.

He drove me home that night with both of us not knowing where is this going. But it took me less than a week to come to a conclusion. I am a fighter, aren't I? I still wanted to fight but no longer against my feelings; I wanted to fight for us. I wanted to put everything down to work it out, I decided to fight for what I want.

My blissful ignorance only lasted for a fleeting moment. That night after Valentine's Day, I found out the truth. I always suspected it but I never thought this would happen after what he said to me. That night my fears were confirmed. The week I stopped struggling with my feelings, he shared with me that he doesn't belong to me.


I didn't have a violent reaction, I was way calmer than I should have been; maybe I grew indifferent to cheating after watching so many repeated incidents around me. I merely asked three questions, all of which he answered honestly. Even though the situation became more complicated with every detail he leaked, I needed the truth to make my decision there and then.

Trapped in a dilemma, I chose to do what most respectable ladies would do. What others think of me might not matter but what I think about myself does, and I would forever look back at that moment if I didn't choose to walk out of it. I had to do the right thing, I told him I have to leave.

Except it didn't happen.

早 就该放手
你的天空 有她的云朵
放 早该放手
却没有风 把我带走

Here's the part that's hard for me to admit and I could have easily omitted it but I need to be honest with myself. Not every story has a happy ending anyway. I was weak; it took only a few calls and messages, just a few days, and I was back.

I don't know how did that happen, I don't know which day was it when I found the courage to face him again. All I know is I found myself in his arms again. Were we drinking? I don't remember. All I know is I'm happy. I'm a screwed up but happy person.

I'm sorry 你说,不想看我委屈的难过

I travelled quite a fair bit and his job sends him on work trips around the world sometimes so we met up on the days when we were back in Singapore. Sometimes we even met on the exact day either of us touches down or departs. When the sun disappears below the horizon, we drown ourselves with liquor like it's water. But dawn to dusk, he's gentle with me. He gives me kisses on my cheeks and pats my head because he knows I love it. He plays with my hair and we laugh about everything.

Over the months, he learnt more about my life and shared with me about his. We bared our souls to each other. He knows about my screwed up childhood – something I never told my ex – and I discovered more about his past and current relationships. Sure, initially, I hated him for what he did to me and her. Neither of us was at fault – we were both strung along in his little game. I hated that he said he regretted his past with such remorse but he could turn around and repeat his mistakes.


But as time flew by and I got to know him better, I began to understand the reasons for his actions. I started seeing him as a real person instead of someone who only, to put things crudely, thinks with his dick. While I can't say what he did was right or that I support his decisions, I can now see that he was just trying to protect himself from getting hurt again.

The more we talked, the more we revealed about ourselves, the more we realised just how many things do we have in common. It's incredible how he reads my mind and I complete his sentences barely two months of knowing each other – a connection I never shared with my exes.


He always attributed it to the fact that his birthday is just one day away from mine and we share the same horoscope sign. But it feels like it's so much more. Or maybe it's more like I want it to be something more. How often do we meet someone we get along so well with? How can we complete each other's sentences and think the exact same way within months of knowing each other? Just how many times have we exclaimed "exactly!!!" and "ya I know!!!" — I don't believe in the idea of  soulmates but he comes pretty damn close.


Yet the harsh reality remains and swallows me alive. The fact that we are so similar and we love talking to each other but we cannot be together. When he kisses me goodbye, I can never say I love him as much as I long to because I know I can't love him. But it's getting harder with every day we spend together.

Sometimes I wish we didn't get along so well because I'll lose control of my feelings eventually and I'll have to leave before I start getting emotionally attached. I want something more but it's something that he cannot give me right now. There's nothing else I can do other than staying by his side quietly and giving him silent support when he needs it.


Maybe my situation's a bit different or more likely, I'm just finding excuses for myself. But if I had a choice, I wouldn't want this to happen either. If given a choice, any sane person wouldn't choose to be in the position I'm in right now. I never meant to hurt anyone and I never want to. At the end of the day, I'm just a simple girl who wants the same things as everyone else – for the people I love to love me back. I don't ask for big things.


Maybe I'm just a fool.

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  1. 心若倦了 泪也干了
    曾经拥有 天荒地老

    这一份情 永远难了
    爱一个人 如何厮守到老

    缘难了 情难了

    Take care...

  2. Hi babe,
    Chanced upon your dayre while I was looking at the #taobao ��

    I was once in a similar situation as you when I was 22 (4 years back). I was in love with this guy whom has a girlfriend of 3 years. We were sort of together but like what you've said, we couldn't kiss or hold hands in public. We also shared the same horoscope and our birthday was only 3 days apart. He always told me that I should know that we won't be able to be together. I accepted that cos I love him too much. As long as we get to spend some time together, it already means a lot to me. However, as days passed, I began to fall deeper and deeper. He promised to clear things up with his girlfriend (they already have problems when we met), but this dragged on and on for a period. He couldn't make up his mind who to choose. He wants to be with me, yet on the other hand, continue the relationship with his gf. I decided to back out since I've already fight for my all.

    So 2 years later, I met someone else. And I got to say, he is the best guy I ever had, someone who respect me and proud to call me his gf. We planned to settle down in 2 years time.

    Babe, all I wanna say was, you're still young. I wouldn't ask you to leave because I know it's hard. But do believe that someday, you'll be able to find someone who's worth your love, someone who's able to give you a family that you ever wished for.