Never clean

November 05, 2015

I feel disgusted. A few months ago, I thought I have finally recovered from this illness that has haunted me since I was 13 but as I started putting on weight, it happened again. I can't stop weighing myself, I can't put down that measuring tape. I spend my free time looking at myself in the mirror and criticizing every flaw I could find.

I have no one to turn to anymore because I don't know how to tell my people that it doesn't work and I've lost hope. I can't even bring myself to write about it because I feel like such a failure. All the time I wasted seeing my counselor didn't help at all.

Perhaps what scares me the most is the fact that no one might ever understand... Or even try. I hate being brushed aside, I hate it when people tell me I just need to change my mindset. Mental disorders are such a bitch; you keep telling yourself that it's all in your mind but it starts affecting you physically and when it consumes you in every part of your life, you're forced to admit that it's no longer just in your head.

How is it not affecting my life when I get panic attacks even while taking public transport? The anxiety sets in even when I think about getting on a crowded bus. People keep telling me to see a therapist and I'll get better but if I can't even afford to take cabs daily or a car, how can I afford long-term therapy?

Every weekday I get up and go to work. It's almost like I'm on my autopilot mode. But I can't escape forever. Autopilot on, I feel nothing. Autopilot off, terror sets in. I hate that even mundane things like walking home frightens me and I have to constantly look behind me or even run to my avoid deck to feel safe.

Why can't I just eat without worrying about the oil in my food? Nobody else feels grossed out eating the same food, so why do I face this problem? And I don't get why can't I just go exercise instead of freaking out about my weight gain. I don't even understand myself, how do I expect anyone to understand this disaster that I am...?

Why can't I feel comfortable in my own skin and why can't people let me be without trying to change me? It took me so long to grow this little bit of self-confidence but you had to destroy it with one sentence but I don't blame anyone. The smallest thing can be my trigger and it's just so shitty.

Is this just a relapse or are my monsters here to stay?

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