she raised a fist
counted to ten
voices taunting her sanity

she’s out at sea
a desperate, hopeless wonder
swept away
by waves of madness, self-hatred and despair

she fought to breathe
but she couldn’t stay alive
even in the Dead Sea

These words were written for you

FOREWORD: I haven't written a single poem since I completed my Creative Writing module in school, back in 2015. My previous feeble attempts were deemed unworthy of even the second draft so I gave up poetry. Until now. This collection of poem was written on 3 March 2017, influenced by Ed Sheeran's latest album, Divide.

TO YOU: My senses were heightened and I was instantaneously alert to my surroundings. You. The things that reminded me of you were translated into words, then pieced into poems. If you read them, and if you read between the lines, you'll recognise yourself; these words were written for you, my dear.

 

i fell back into
penning poems
chasing moonlight

i learnt your secret
one by one, then the second
maybe | | - another - | |

then all at once
i knew i was either
lucky or screwed

she was a flower
living on stolen time

you, a buzzing bee
tasked with pollination

you'd never settle
you could saunter in your garden forever

because she wasn't
flower of the flock


SAFE


fight or flight
we took flight

never said
but i wanted
you to  s + a y


HIROSHIMA


four thousand, seven hundred and
twenty one miles away
my favourite city

if i told you —
there is warmth in winter
if i told you —
i found home in your coat


TAIPEI


footprints over the world
nowhere i belonged

home —
a country, a place,
a feeling, a person,
sometimes   y o u

little was known but
you were my safety net
little did i know
you were not my home to return to


A THEORY


That's it.


DOUSED


pizza for breakfast
movie stills, summer nights
shared Lycurgus Cup
— the poison, an elixir

.ignition {
her in you arms
flames crackling incessantly
you were deaf to her
misplaced comfort }

no hearts and flowers  
but love, she had it all
//// suddenly she was drowning /

ASHES


sparks in your eyes
blind to your lies

we might set fire to the town
so you burnt me down

no vowels
stillness at zero hours

dawn to dusk
done and dusted

she wears
strength on her sleeves
frailty in her heart

master of disguise
she is a beam of sunshine
she is also Achlys

01/

因期待换来痛
原来当时的你
和那时候的我
已经不太可能
你却一话不说
让我默默等待


02/

这一切到底是怎样
是我错，是我不好
全怪我，看错了人


03/

原来你跟他们也没差
一切都是你塑造谎言
我们都以走到这地步
我却依然不舍得怪你


04/ 

是真的爱你
或不爱认输

giant creatures flew across the gray sky
their hide made of stone
and they had diamond eyes

beasts crawl out of their cave
after hiding for a millennium
with their skin intricate like a maze

they tore and scratched yet
with light came the dark
and he left his evil scars

a blood-curdling scream makes its way
out of her tired throat
before it was ripped into pieces

it has been done
she is now a part of
the never ending dark

One day,
You will see him down the streets
And you will look into his eyes
Only to recognise

The one started a fire in you
The one who opened your eyes
The one you promised forever to
The one whom you thought was "The One"

That same person
Was the one who left you in
Such a cruel fashion
You could never love the same again

But when you bump into him
Your heart goes
/ lub-dub / lub-dub / lub-dub /
All over again

In that moment you realised
No matter how old you are
He will always be
Your favourite mistake.

My heart was beating wildly and I could hardly breathe.
I held my phone tight not wanting to miss your reply.
When my phone finally vibrated,
I was too scared to look at the screen.
I peeked a little then ignored your message.
I was terrified of what I was feeling,
And even more afraid of losing what we had.

I forgot all of those feelings.
I tried to change to please everyone,
Only to lose myself and what I felt.
I failed to remember my fears of losing you.
When I was trying to grow up,
I forgot who was by my side
And I let those memories slipped.

Yesterday,
They came flooding back.
The feelings. The fears. The joy. Everything.
He laughed and I fell in love with his laughter again.
We talked till we fell asleep in each other's arms.
Nothing had me feeling better than that.
As if I didn't bid goodbye,
Everything felt the same again.
Except even better this time.

Now,
I can say so for sure.
Now I can say this for real -
I love you.

Red
Like the way you tried your hardest to get his attention.
Like the colour you saw when he muttered his first "I love you."
Like the moment you realised you weren't what he was looking for.

Orange
Like the moment you realise with him, you'll never run out of things to talk about.
Like the way he livens up a room, the way people naturally crowd around him.
Like the eventual difference that drove you apart.

Yellow
Like the colour you saw when he mouthed, "We can work this out."
Like the days you spent drawing his name over your textbooks again.
Like the way your heart still beats fast when you see his name on the screen of phone.

Green
Like the colour you saw when you saw him with the flowers he bought not for you.
Like the moment when you wished you were her.
Like the way you were suddenly unhappy with your life and only wanted everything she ever had.

Blue
Like the way you never left despite the countless floods; when you stood by him despite the difficulties.
Like what you felt you finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Like the colour you saw right before the screams, the hurt, the blood and the tears.

Indigo
Like colour you thought you saw when he said he has changed.
Like the followings nights you spent wondering where did he go.
Like the way you let things slide because of your cowardliness.

Violet
Like what you felt when you saw him in a room full of people.
Like the instant you saw him maneuver through the room just to get to you.
Like the way he held you in his arms and you wished it could last a whole lifetime.

i am nothing but an option to you yet
i always left you as my priority.
i hope that one day you'll be
the one left in the rain to
wait so you will know
how i really feel but
maybe when that
day comes it
will be late.
all too
late.

Sometimes you forget that I am only human too.
I have days when I feel horrible too.

And today's just one of them;
One of the days I think too much.

Is this a test?
What does this mean?

The temptation is too great.

I have never been one to fail,
Especially not in this area.

Sometimes I ask myself why;
Do I see this as a challenge?

Am I just challenging myself?
I love challenges.

I know I can if I try.
But should I try?

Damn.

I scare myself so much.
How can I have such a terrible thought?

Why am I feeling this way?
What have I become?

I'm not a good person.
I'm horrible.

I don't know who I am anymore.

I wished that moment would last forever, I wish it didn't have to end.
I closed my eyes, and did everything I could to have that moment etched in my memory.
The way your eyes curve when you smile, the way your face scrunches up when you laugh.
The way your chin rested on my head, the way you smelt, the way you look.
We were silent; we didn't speak and we didn't have to - it just felt right.
Yet tears welled up in my eyes and I had to fought to keep them from rolling out.
Deep in my heart, I knew we only have a few seconds left.
The earth continued spinning, the world continued moving.
Nothing I could do could make it stop. Eventually, I gave up and gave in.
Time wasn't on my side. Time is never on my side when it comes to you.
Much as I hate to see you go, I know saying goodbye is inevitable.

At least this isn't permanent.

Absence. Void. Emptiness.
An unoccupied space. The lack of feelings.
The vacancy in your heart that allows your mind to wander endlessly.

The voices taunted you countless times.
The thoughts haunt you everyday.
You feel yourself falling, you feel the walls you put up crumble.

Do you actually let go of someone, or do you just release the feelings you had?
Do you actually ever stop feeling the pain, or do you just get numbed by it?
Do you actually forget someone, or does the void just eats that unoccupied space up?
I don't have the answers. Can anyone give you any satisfactory answer?

Yet, one day the heartbreak will go away.
You'll wake up and realise that you don't really need him after all.
You feel the pain less with each passing day.
You won't care anymore but you don't notice it.
You realise that you have better things to worry about.

You thought you would die without him, but you lived.
You're still breathing, and you're happy with what you have now.
Yes, even if it means you don't have him anymore.

You've been set free.
You will be free.

Promise me that
you will not leave
as soon as things
get tough or difficult.
Don't just leave if
I make a mistake.
I can't stand to
see another walk
away like he did.