This is one of those days when I log into Blogger, having completely no idea what I'm gonna write about but I just feel like filling up this space before school gets real busy for me. School has been hectic, as always. But I love what I'm doing and it keeps me going.

Today, I received back my Advertising module's proposal that I've been working REALLY REALLY hard for. To be honest, I was very nervous about receiving the results because throughout the project, I've been really stubborn and quite bossy :x I knew my idea was good but I was absoluteeeeely anxious about the project since it would be my fault if we didn't do well. And I haven't been doing well at school at all :-(

But surprise!!! We did a lot better than I expected!!!!!! I was aiming for an A but at the same time, preparing my ass to get just a B+ because I felt that there was a few elements I missed out in the print ads but my lecturer actually said my ads were very creative and FLAWLESS! I remember clearly that we scored a 9.5/10 for it omfg. I was so happy I could die :')

I also redesigned the packaging of the product we are doing on and my lecturer said the new packaging is awesome! Not only that, she praised our radio ads and our TV commercial, calling them really hilarious and telling us she had a great time marking. Our creative brief and consumer sales promotion design were well done too and we got almost full marks for everything!!!

I appreciate my group mates who went my way and tolerated me when I was very pushy with my ideas and I'm grateful that they trusted the designing of the print ads in my hands. And I'm so satisfied that we worked together, created a really adorable TVC and radio commercial. Everything worked out so perfectly in the end!

Okay, I know people are probably expecting photos of our campaign but because this project is still on-going, my group mates and I have decided that we will only upload the photos after our final presentation! Hopefully we'll continue to do well hehe.

Anyway, in Mass Communication in Ngee Ann Poly, we get to choose a specialisation in Year 3 and I have somewhat already decided that in Year 3, I want to specialise in Advertising & Public Relations but doing well in this module affirms my choice even more.

Four years ago, when I first chanced upon Mass Comm while randomly researching on polytechnic courses, I would have never imagined myself taking this path. Even after getting my JPSAE results, I assumed that I would go to Mass Comm and do some writing or something along those lines. Back then, my dream was actually to be a journalist *cringes so hard right now thinking about News Writing*.

But today, I can never be more pleased and contented at where I am at. I may not have the highest GPA, but I know I am good at something and that's good enough for me.

I am truly, truly thankful for everyone that helped me along the way because I couldn't have done it alone.

You know those nights when you lie awake, unable to fall asleep? Yea, I'm feeling that now. Millions of thoughts racing through my mind keeping me awake. All my insecurities eating me up.

About three years ago, I told myself I have to love myself before anyone else can love me. I bought a pink notebook and on the first page, I wrote "Things I Love About Myself". Today, the page remains empty. Hard as I tried, I just can't find anything about myself to love.

Am I smart? No.
Am I pretty? No.
Am I funny? No.
Am I talented? No.
Am I cute? No.

Yea, I seem like a strong girl when I'm replying hate questions on my ask.fm. But the truth is, how many times can you endure people telling you that you're not good enough before you believe them?

Despite the strong front I tend to put up, I'm extremely sensitive and insecure. A lot of times, I need reassurance. Reassurance that people love me, that I'm good just the way I am, that I don't need to be smarter/prettier/cuter, that I don't have to be different, that I don't have to change for anyone to love me. I need to be reminded again and again that whoever I am, I'm good enough.

But people forget.

They forget because I refuse to let them see this side of me that I keep it to myself. They think it's okay to tease me because I simply smile along with them.

Eventually, I let everyone's words get to me.

"Why are you so fat?"

"So-and-so looks so much better than you."

"When are you going to become prettier?"

"Why can't you dress more like so-and-so?"

"Can't you fix your teeth?"

"Hey, what happened to your face? why are you so ugly?"

"When are you going to change your fashion sense?"

I know you don't mean it, but that's not important. It is how I feel that is important. And I feel it. With every atom in my body, I agree with whatever you've said, even if you were just kidding.

I feel it day and night. I feel every bit of me breaking with every passing day. All the "what if"s, all the "why me". Everything. 

I let myself think the worst of me and I let these voices taunt me. I cannot remember when was the last time I gone a day without wishing I wasn't me. I cannot emphasise enough how much I hate myself, especially on nights like these.

I'm sorry I'm this emotional.
I'm sorry for being such a loser.
I'm sorry I'm not the best.
I'm sorry I'm no one special.

And most of all,
I'm sorry I'm me.

I'm sorry.
I'm so fucking sorry.

I shoot my mouth off a lot and I hurt the people around me. I don't mean it, and sometimes I don't even realise it. I can be so blur and so oblivious to my surroundings that I can't even believe myself. And when I finally see it, it's already too late.

I think what I fail to understand is that I have a blog to say whatever the hell I want but I have to be responsible for my words and actions. I'm a media student yet I neglect that a lot. From young, my mom has always taught me that words can break someone and I should never throw my words around carelessly. Somehow, after all these years, I haven't learn.

Maybe it's true that the only way you learn is by falling and experiencing the pain yourself. Just this week alone showed me that no matter how little I think my voice is, it affects people all the same. That my writings have the power to change my life. That whatever I post can come back and haunt me.

It's the same online as it is offline - I can't take back what I've said. Once the words leave my mouth, they leave forever.

i am nothing but an option to you yet
i always left you as my priority.
i hope that one day you'll be
the one left in the rain to
wait so you will know
how i really feel but
maybe when that
day comes it
will be late.
all too
late.

You have not changed. Not even one bit. Not since I met you.
It's unnerving, because you're still as manipulative as ever.

I've never been particularly closed to you, except this one period of time. Even so, I wouldn't consider us as close friends. Perhaps just a bit more than the hi-bye friends we are now. I've heard about the things you did but your actions never bothered me much because they were none of my business anyway.

Until recently. 

Until I saw with my own eyes the extent you would go to get what you wanted, even if it meant hurting the ones you "love". It makes me wonder if the word love even exists in your dictionary.
Until I witnessed how you could just come and go as you wish without batting an eye.
Until I caught a glimpse of the hurt you inflicted in your so-called friends' life.
Until I caught on to your ruthlessness.

I see you getting them confused yet captivated in your little game.
I see them getting drowned your deception.
I see the truth you distorted.
You can hide but I see them all.

The entire façade you put up, the lies you built your life around.
Doesn't it get tiring?

It's been years and you're still doing the same things, albeit to different people.
Will you resort to anything just to get to where you want to be?

I think I know the answer.
You know it too.