Midnight Musings: Insecurities

July 16, 2014

You know those nights when you lie awake, unable to fall asleep? Yea, I'm feeling that now. Millions of thoughts racing through my mind keeping me awake. All my insecurities eating me up.

About three years ago, I told myself I have to love myself before anyone else can love me. I bought a pink notebook and on the first page, I wrote "Things I Love About Myself". Today, the page remains empty. Hard as I tried, I just can't find anything about myself to love.

Am I smart? No.
Am I pretty? No.
Am I funny? No.
Am I talented? No.
Am I cute? No.

Yea, I seem like a strong girl when I'm replying hate questions on my ask.fm. But the truth is, how many times can you endure people telling you that you're not good enough before you believe them?

Despite the strong front I tend to put up, I'm extremely sensitive and insecure. A lot of times, I need reassurance. Reassurance that people love me, that I'm good just the way I am, that I don't need to be smarter/prettier/cuter, that I don't have to be different, that I don't have to change for anyone to love me. I need to be reminded again and again that whoever I am, I'm good enough.

But people forget.

They forget because I refuse to let them see this side of me that I keep it to myself. They think it's okay to tease me because I simply smile along with them.

Eventually, I let everyone's words get to me.
"Why are you so fat?"

"So-and-so looks so much better than you."

"When are you going to become prettier?"

"Why can't you dress more like so-and-so?"

"Can't you fix your teeth?"

"Hey, what happened to your face? why are you so ugly?"

"When are you going to change your fashion sense?"

I know you don't mean it, but that's not important. It is how I feel that is important. And I feel it. With every atom in my body, I agree with whatever you've said, even if you were just kidding.

I feel it day and night. I feel every bit of me breaking with every passing day. All the "what if"s, all the "why me". Everything. 

I let myself think the worst of me and I let these voices taunt me. I cannot remember when was the last time I gone a day without wishing I wasn't me. I cannot emphasise enough how much I hate myself, especially on nights like these.

I'm sorry I'm this emotional.
I'm sorry for being such a loser.
I'm sorry I'm not the best.
I'm sorry I'm no one special.

And most of all,
I'm sorry I'm me.

I'm sorry.
I'm so fucking sorry.

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