I'm not that strong.

September 08, 2011

Throughout my life, I've always been afraid of losing the people I love. 
But I wonder, is there anyone out there afraid of losing me?
As you guys can see, I changed my blog address. I've been using the previous URL for a long time already. I no longer play the guitar and I'm not as emotionally wrecked as I used to be anymore. And those friends I use to play guitar with? Well, let's just say that our paths don't cross anymore. The URL no longer means anything to me so I don't see any reason in keeping it any longer.

I don't usually like changes. But in this case, I'm actually excited. It feels like I'm starting a new blog. I guess it is, in a way. I'm kinda starting a new adventure with my readers.  I remember I started blogging 5 years ago when everyone else started blogging too. I don't have the posts with me anymore because unfortunately, I trusted my password with the wrong person and got hacked. It's all for the best I guess, as the posts I made when I was younger were totally childish.

Over the years, I met many obstacles that almost made me stop blogging. Being hacked was only one of them. I got cyber-bullied, one particular girl made mean posts about me on her blog, I got screamed at by my teacher, got spammed, got called names, got rumours being spread about me. However, my friends and readers were alway there for me. For this, I'm really grateful. Blogs are becoming less of a "must-have" among teenagers nowadays but I'll always update mine.

I know my posts do get rather depressing sometimes, perhaps they've exaggerated my actual level of sadness. But I usually feel much better after I write. Sometimes, I feel too much of my urges and emotions repressed inside me that I need to express them overtly. Crying sure doesn't help. Shouting does, but the negativity comes back again shortly. Fasting? NO WAY. Can't do without food. Bingeing.. Nah, not at the expense of my weight. Splurging.. Yes! But only provides temporary relief.

When I was way younger, I wrote down everyday's happenings in a small brown journal. Over time, I've found an excellent way to release my dark side. After my first ever break up in life, I began writing little notes or/and longer journal pages to myself and kept them in a little black box. One thing I realised after I wrote, was that I felt so much better. Hence, words have become my form of catharsis. Words have allowed me, for the longest time, to dissolve my sadness overtly in a harmless way.

As I was looking through my Facebook profile pictures, I realized how much I've grown. Physically and mentally. Today, I'm no longer the bubbly self I am during primary school days. I don't make friends easily. I give people bad first impressions. But I learnt to accept myself for who I am. I used to be very fickle minded, especially when it comes to the matters of the heart. But now, I'm proud to say that my boyfriend and I have been together for quite a while and it's an awesome feat to the both of us, even if some disagree. I would say that I'm introvert now, rather than extrovert. But it doesn't matter anymore, because I know at the end of the day, people who genuinely care about me will always be there, no matter what.

Enough of the ranting. Life has been pretty smooth nowadays. Things are back in shape. Bubu walking me to school, bringing me to bus drops, kissing me on the forehead, hugging me from behind, remembering our promises, and planning for our future. All these might just be little gestures to others, but they mean a lot to me.

Just yesterday, Bubu told me something that made me realized how much he loves me. I've always thought that I was the only one hurting, the only one putting in all the effort and he's just taking me for granted. But now I know... Anyway, I must really thank my best friends who were there for me, especially Zhiyun (the girl who appeared in the last video) and Rachel. Even though I disturb and make fun of them a lot, they never failed to be there for me when I nee them. And of course, Mildred, who's always so kind and understanding.

Whoa. What a long entry. I guess I must be feeling really guilty for not having a proper update after so long. Anyway, let the pictures do the rest of the talking!

I don't think feelings change, nor people. I think situations do. I know it's possible to dislike someone after loving them so much or to love someone after feeling so much hate towards them but, it's not because people change - it's because it's not the same. It's because something made you think differently, something made you open your eyes. Something caused you to see everything the way it is at last. It's like days. Days can be cloudy, or sunny. Days don't change. The weather does. And nothing can play a part in that, or fix it. They can just let it be.

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