Someone like me

November 14, 2014


"And I haven't seen you so sad and depressed in a long while."

I ponder upon these words for the rest of the day. She said the words I've been wanting to say but could never find. She has been doing that for the past few days. Every single damn word that I could never speak, she spoke it for me.

Yes, I feel it too; I'm losing myself. I haven't updated in a while because I was trying to find myself and come to terms with who I truly am.

I'm so ashamed to admit that I've lost the motivation to write, and I only updated for the sake of doing it. It's not like I don't like writing anymore because I think I still do. But I can't find the words to express how I feel because I'm a fucking mess right now.

I feel like shutting down, giving up and not giving a fuck. I'm exhausted, I'm so close to just letting it all go. It's been so long since I last felt this way - this unmotivated, this afraid of facing the world. I feel like I can't do shit right anymore.

Trying to hard to hang on to whatever I can grasp but it seems impossible. I'm drowning, I can't feel myself anymore. Even breathing is so difficult.

The last few weeks passed by in a blur and looking back, I don't even know who am I anymore. Instead of being the introvert I always am, I'm actually stepping up to organise outings with big groups of friends just because. I have also plans to go out with a bunch of people I haven't even spoken more than two sentences to.

This is such a huge leap for me because I usually can't be bothered - I actually enjoy solitary. I don't remember when was the last time I felt this burst of energy because hanging out around people and talking really drains me out. But I find myself being so much more outgoing recently.

And I've been drinking and falling in love with it. I'm still quite terrible at it because I just started and all my friends are super protective of me but I actually find myself enjoying drinking and the company, even if they are not people I'm close to. I was never like this, and I even wrote a post about drinking. But now I understand that people drink to get high, to forget the pain.

Recently, I feel the need to be around people, to socialise, to... just not be alone. I'm a lot more cheerful around people and open up more. Maybe that's why I'm forcing myself to have company - because at the end of the day, when I retreat back to my shell, I am really nothing but an empty shell.

The sadness is overbearing when I'm alone. But I know no matter what I do, in the end, I'm still the same person inside.

Someone who still hates herself.
Someone who still starves herself so that she might look better.
Someone who ends up stuffing herself with food at the end of the day and ends up being even more fat.
Someone who pinches her fats all day and cry about it at night.
Someone who only feels contented when her gastric starts hurting and she starts feeling dizzy.
Someone who refuses treatment because she can never talk about how bad she feels.
Someone who still can't accept who she is.
Someone who doesn't believe that anyone can ever love her.
Someone who lost her direction and have no idea where is she heading towards.
Someone who still hates the reflection she sees in the mirror.
Someone who still doesn't believe that she's ever good enough.
Someone so insecure that she hardly feels happy for others.
Someone so empty that she even loses herself in the midst of everything.
Someone who scares even herself.

I'm so confused by myself.
Who am I?

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1 comments

  1. hey, u can keep yourself busy with your free time by learning something useful...instead of drinking :(

    ReplyDelete