To my future self.

November 27, 2014

To my future self,

I don't know how old you'll be when you stumble upon this post but I hope you're finally happy. By happy I don't mean the temporary happiness you show just so your friends won't worry or the high you get when you build your happiness upon the people around you and they do something that pleases you. I really wish that you've finally started believing that you are worth it. That you deserve to be happy. That nobody should hate themselves the way you hate yourself at 18.

I hope you have found the courage to seek help for what has been troubling you for as long as you can remember. I hope you stopped feeling stigmatised and that you are getting whatever help you need. This is so hard to talk about because it's so sensitive but if you ever see this, I really really hope that you are getting better because that's not the case for me here.

When you stumble upon this post, I hope your memories bring you back to when you were a lost 18 year old teenage girl, just trying to find herself in this world. Do you remember being lost and not knowing who you are anymore? Because that's exactly how I'm feeling right now; I feel like I'm losing my identity.

At 18, I wish someone would care enough to ask what's up with me. But the funny thing is that I don't want just anybody to ask - it had to be the few people I had in mind. Obviously they just had to disappoint me by never bothering to find out and just labeling me as a nutcase. I can't decide who's stupider - them for not detecting there's something more to it or me, for caring about the people who don't care about me.

Of course, there are a few who asked but they are the ones who are here for the gossip. Then, there are the people I voluntarily opened up to. Mind you, it took me a few nights but I'm sure you are proud that I did. But these people just conveniently put aside my issues and didn't bother to understand more. I don't blame them though. Everyone is busy with their own lives so what makes me so special?

At times like these, I really hope you haven't lost your love for writing because it's the only thing that will be there for you. For now, this love is wavering but I know it'll rekindle somehow because it's the one of the only things I'm sure of.

I hope you've stopped obsessing over your weight or the measurements of your waist. I hope you've stopped hurting yourself and that those thoughts have left as well. I hope you've stopped being so sensitive and lingered on every word said to you for at least a week. I hope you've started valuing instead of abusing yourself. I hope you've stopped feeling so anxious about every single thing and just let loose and have fun sometimes. I hope you've started listening to half the advice you give others because admit it, some of them are quite awesome.

I hope you've found someone who calls you beautiful even in your darkest hours. Someone who loves you despite your intense moodswings or how crazy you can get. Someone who wipes away your tears and kisses your tears-stained cheeks when you feel nothing but terrible about yourself. Someone who's proud to show you off, someone who never makes you feel inferior.

I hope that someone makes you laugh so hard your stomach hurts and buys you soft toys no matter how old you are because of your indescribable love for them. I hope he never stops doing the things he did to get you and still pats your head just because it gives you butterflies in your stomach.

I hope you've stopped being so overly attached, and learnt to let things go. I know you are sooooo sentimental but there are just some people and some things that you have to let go of. Friends will come and go - good friends, close friends, whoever. I learned this through the hard way and I hope you remember those lessons.

I hope you remember that everyone is placed in your life for a reason and you should make that reason count. Yet, there are still times when I keep asking myself why and I can't seem to find an answer. It's during those times that I wish I have an answer from you, but don't spoil the surprise for me! Much as I'd love to find out, I guess there are some things that I have to learn on my own. :)

I have so much hopes for you in the future and everyone said that you have so much potential. I hope you don't listen to the insecure teenage voice in your mind and instead, believe in yourself the way they believed in you.

Your 18 year old self.

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  1. U got a letter from the future! remind me of the movie "back to the future"