I'm really not fine at all.

December 02, 2014

I dreamt of you again.

I felt so utterly disgusted because you left and it should stay that way. Why are you still haunting me every night?

My first reaction when I woke up was to text you to tell you that I can't make it that day. That dream was so real, so vivid that I had a hard time trying to set the dream apart from my memories. The only reason I knew it was a dream is that we no longer talk like we used to so any form of contact between us is basically impossible at this moment.

When reality finally hit me, I was reduced to tears. Every damn night, I wake up feeling horrible because I know it's just a dream. But if my dreams are the only form of "communication" we have now... I guess I should be thankful.

On the other hand, do you see how pathetic this is? That I'm feeling contented over something that doesn't exist in this universe. Maybe an alternate universe does exist and hopefully, in that universe, I have made the right decisions. I know I've made too many mistakes in this universe. Too many times have I wished that time could rewind so that I can go back and make my life right. Too many times have I said the wrong things, reacted the wrong way.

It scares me. It fucking scares me how one very simple word I utter can change my whole life and how I'm often careless with my words. It's always the things I say or think that ruins me. I wish I could be smarter about that...

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