Do I still exist?

December 28, 2014

 "You ripped me into pieces so small I wasn't sure if I still existed."

Today, I looked into the mirror and received such a huge shock.

I can no longer recognise the girl I see. Instead, I saw someone who permanently has sadness in her eyes. I saw someone with tears welling up in her eyes, looking like she can break down anytime. I saw someone so tired, so filled with pain. I saw someone who hates the world she lives in. I saw a girl questioning her existence every damn day.

That's not the girl I know; that's not the person I wanted to grow up to be. The kid I was ten years ago would be so so so ashamed of who I am today. But I feel sad for her too. That one day she'll realise the scariest things in the world are not the monsters under her bed but the people around her. That one day she'll grow up to learn that the world is not full of hope like she has imagined.

I'm too unguarded in this dog-eat-dog world. I'm so vulnerable and people make use of that. I trust too much, especially when I feel like I know someone. More often than not, I'm wrong - I don't really know that person at all, I only got tricked because I was too naive and I believed the lies people told me. It's not fair that the people who care the most are those who get hurt the most. But what do you know, the world isn't fair anyway.

I don't wish to turn cynical because of these few people I met but the recent happenings showed me that I need to be more distrusting and more suspicious of everyone, even the people I hold close to my heart.

Not everyone who's nice to you is your friend, and sometimes the sole purpose of people coming into your life is for them to have the power to hurt you. I learnt that some people do that just because they enjoy practicing this power. They take delight in the fact that you care and so they have the power to manipulate you. Humans can be so sick in the mind sometimes.

Too many expectations, nothing fulfilled, too many disappointments.
Too much on my mind, not enough time to think about them and sort my thoughts out.

I'm so sick of this life, so tired of my life.

I destroyed myself for people who would not give a second thought about hurting me.

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