3 things I've learned in 2014

December 05, 2014

1. All of my sadness root from only three causes.
     a) my fear of abandonment
     b) my lack of self-esteem
     c) my insecurities

2. Therefore, I'm the root of the problems I'm facing now. 
Here's the thing - I'm always afraid that I'm the cause of all the bad things that ever happen to me or the people around me. And I was right, it's my fault.

I think too much, read too much into things, I get jealous easily and I'm too paranoid. I find it extremely difficult to have healthy relationships/friendships because any little thing can set me off. I'm so afraid of people leaving me that I'd rather be antagonistic and just be on my own so that I don't have to face these fears.

I can never find it in me to even look someone in the eye when I meet them for the first time. I need reassurance all the time because of my paranoia. I hate myself a lot and question my existence daily. This isn't even a plea for attention anymore, it's me wanting to feel normal for once, to feel good about myself without assurance from people just for one moment.

I never think I'm good enough for anyone, which is why I'm so afraid of people leaving me. I'm so sensitive, I take everything as a personal insult. I constantly doubt myself, I try to fit in society's standard of perfection only to realise that I'm NOTHING like that at all. And that scares me, because how can anybody love this mess that I am?

Yes, I realised that I'm the one causing my own misery, I'm the source of the problems I created.

3. But I can change my whole life by just changing my outlook and the three causes mentioned above. 
Easier said than done perhaps, but I want to give it a try. It's not like I can just stop feeling this way, or that I can just get out of it. But I can at least give this a shot - try to get rid of the negativity and just be happy with who I am.

It's okay to feel shitty sometimes but I can't be like this forever. I'm almost 19 and I have NEVER EVER been happy with who I am. It's gonna be hard but I really want to feel optimistic and positive for once. I'm not sure how this will work out but I want to at least put in the effort to make a change in my life instead of being in this lump of uncertainty forever.

Note to self:

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