Darling, I'm a nightmare dressed like a daydream.

April 05, 2015


I contemplated long and hard before publishing this post because I know it'll make me seem like a crazy ex or even girlfriend, which I kind of was and still am, but heck, I've shared so much of myself online that it'll feel like my life presented online is a lie if I hide this in my heart.
 
For the past few years of my life, I kept finding excuses, kept telling myself I'm fine; it's the other party that has a problem and I need to find the problem. I need to kill the problem before it becomes something bigger and more complicated. And that consumed me. I let that green eye monster control my life; my whole life became a constant cycle of waking up, checking up on everyone and their friends and their friends of friends.

I knew exactly when this habit started. I have an ex whom I couldn't trust, not because I didn't want to - I desperately wanted to - but because he betrayed my trust too many times. The moment I found out his many lies was truly when things started changing. I never fully trusted anyone again from that day on. It got to such a point whereby I would login to his Facebook account and check up on every of his female friends. Is that girl someone he knows from school or someone he randomly added on Facebook? If it's a random add, I would delete and block that girl. If any girl added him and I found out that they weren't real life friends, I'd block and report her account. Instead of studying for O Level, this was what I was constantly focused on.

He couldn't even like another girl's photo without me freaking out and going batshit crazy. I'd like to say I have it under better control now that I'm older but I still feel overwhelmed by waves of jealousy over something as minor as this often. Even till today, I struggle with this daily, causing me to deactivate my social media platforms several times because I know I have no self-control and I would continue stalking if I didn't deactivate. Obviously they didn't work out because I earn money via social media and I'm in a media course so I have to use social media someway or another.

When my ex and I went separate ways, I got together with a wonderful guy but I am still damaged. I still don't know how to trust. So many times I found him questioning my fears and telling me, "I'm not that kind of guy." I know, deep down I know. I knew what kind of person he was before we got together else we would have never been together but that isn't enough for me; I grew up being taught that all guys are the same and it's hard to believe otherwise.

Everyone jokes that I'm a huge stalker and I should open a PI firm because I'm so good at finding out information and dark pasts of everyone, even me. Yet in my heart, I know it's unhealthy, I know I have to stop someday, somehow. I just don't know how. I couldn't even admit to myself that I have a problem.

A few nights ago, during a 4am conversation, I broke down and admitted for the first time. I'm paranoid, I'm insecure, I'm jealous over seemingly nothing. I know it may be a small-scale issue to some but to me it's tenfold and I struggle on a daily basis. I don't even know what's socially acceptable for me to feel jealous about and what's not anymore - I just feel jealousy in every atom of my body, every single day. I want to feel normal for once and not be overly obsessed, controlling and jealous all the time.

I think a big part of my jealousy issue stems from my BPD but I always remind myself that this shouldn't be an excuse. At the end of the day, I still have control over my own life and I still need to find the root of this problem so I can get rid of the unhappiness. I've tried, believe me when I say I've tried my very best. I don't want to go back to that place where I let jealousy control my life again. I have so much to look forward to and this issue shouldn't be an obstacle.

Yes, there were people who called me clingy and controlling because they didn't know what I was and am still dealing with; I forgive them. Then there were those who made use of my paranoia to hurt me, to try and destroy me even more. I knew they were trying to trigger a reaction, to know that I've been affected, which is why I always kept my silence. I didn't want anyone to have the satisfaction of knowing their words had a negative impact on me. They are part of the reason I hesitated before posting this and I know this might invite more hurtful words but I can't hide forever. I don't want to either.

But more than anything else, I realised I'm very lucky to be surrounded by people who care so much about me. No matter how many times I sobbed incessantly on the phone, telling them my suspicions, going haywire over something minute, nobody ever dismissed me and said, "I think you have issues. It's just your paranoia, you shouldn't be this affected." They understood that it was a real fear that was gripping me, they sat me down, analysed every movement with me and constantly check up on me to confirm and reconfirm that I'm feeling better. For that, I'm eternally grateful.

However, I'm also aware that I can't be crippled by this forever. Sure, I can blame it on an individual but do I want to? Do I want an incident, no matter how emotionally scarring it was for me, to define my life forever? Do I want to let someone who's totally irrelevant and out of my life to still have a control over me?

No. 

I don't want the past to define who I am. I want to be in control of my own life and my own feelings. No matter how hard it is, no matter how much I have to struggle, I want to come out of this alive. Even if I end up with countless scars, at least I can say that I am a warrior. I want to be a warrior, I want to fight and get out of this alive. And I will.

You Might Also Like

2 comments

  1. Hey, I think the word you're looking for is limerence. Google it! Don't worry. You're not alone.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think limerence is more commonly associated with infatuation though. But it's good to know that I'm not alone :-) <3

      Delete