A break up

April 03, 2015

"You don't understand her at all, right? You never asked why. She broke with you because she thought that she wasn't good enough for you, that you deserve better. Something happened or something you did - she never ever told anyone what was it - but she's not able to let go of the past.

If you know her well enough, you would have known that you're her first love, the only one she cared about. If you noticed her, you would have noticed that she comes to school with swollen eyes everyday. And these are the days whereby she would be extra quiet.

If you understood her, you should have known that when she said goodbye, all she wanted was for you to assure her that you still love her, and it didn't change during the holidays. All she wanted was for you to show that you still care, that you still wanted her by your side  And that you're willing to accept whatever mistake she makes, made and will make.

If you really loved her that much, why didn't you pull her back when she walked out of the door? Because you say love, but you don't feel. You say forever, but you don't understand. Because like what Mr Z told her, all guys are only good at big and empty talks; they don't mean what they say. One minute it's I love to till the end of time, the other it's leaving the girl alone to pick herself up. Because if you really loved her, a minute with her would have been worth a thousand years of pain.

If you really love her, you'll be willing to wait for her. Because if she's worthy, you'll wait. If you don't wait, you're not worthy of her. If she's amazing, it won't be easy getting her. If it's easy, she won't be amazing. It's as simple as this. If you love her, go for it."

I wrote this when I was 14. Just five years ago. I've repeated this on my blog numerous times but 2010 will always be the year I cherish the most. Not only did 2010 bless me with many amazing people who made me view the world differently, that year shaped me to who I am today.

I don't think this is significant to anyone but stumbling upon this brings back memories. I remember that day clearly; I even remember writing this in tears on my iPod Touch on the way home from school. I was hanging on to a relationship that I ended but that guy has already moved on. So silly of me.

At 14, I thought I knew the world and how it works but I was just another young girl who's reckless with her heart. Just one of the many teenagers who thought she was in love, and that passionate love would last forever. But I was just one of those that would get her heart broken many times.

I was lost and in tears every day. I didn't know what was ahead but I didn't care. I was brave and I just knew that things will work out in the end. I think that's what I miss the most. I miss that little selfless girl who is willing to give up anything for the people she loves, even if it means hurting herself.

I don't know what happened along the way. Somehow, I lost that part of me and started being more self-centered. Maybe it's because I'm afraid of getting hurt and falling into a deep hole again. Maybe it's because I cared too much and lost myself. Maybe this is who I really am.

I feel like I've lost a part of me while growing up and I don't know if I'll ever find it back. Hanging on to memories never helped and I know because I've tried. Nobody feels the same way as I do. When did I suddenly grow up? When did this change happen?

Funny how everyday feels the same but one day when you take a walk down memory lane, you realise everything changed.

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