April 30, 2016

the pain consumes you like a monster, overwhelming you, causing you to suffocate and somehow, you relish the pain because that's all you ever know of.

you feel a tight feeling in your chest, something that tells you your heart is still beating and you're still alive. you should be thankful that you're alive but you just want to be dead, for maybe a day. what's that called? oh yes, sleep.

you try to sleep but whenever you shut your eyes, you remember the pain - the pain beating in your chest and that overused, cliche quote about how pain demands to be felt suddenly makes so much sense to you.

time is no longer on your side, you don't know what to feel. sure crying doesn't solve anything but you may feel better after crying it out. the only problem? you're so sick and tired the tears don't even flow anymore.

so you worked. you worked so hard to forget everything. sometimes only leaving the office at 10pm. everyone around you tells you to find work life balance but you just want to bury yourself and forget everything else.

you drank, and you drank a lot. you know your limits yet you went beyond, you tried drowning yourself in liquor, not because it solves anything but because you're better off not remembering anything. you get so drunk you don't remember how you got home that night.

the aroma of whiskey follows you as you climb on your bed and when you lie there, that's when it begins again. first the emptiness then waves of... you don't even know what it is. waves of a mixture of different feelings just keep hitting you.

you can't forget that sick feeling at the bottom of your stomach that slowly sneaks up on you when you're caught unaware. that feeling that causes you to lose your breath.

come on, how can you forget how to breathe when you've been doing this for more than two decades???

ha, you're such an idiot, you don't deserve to breathe. go to hell.

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