Cried till I have nothing left, sobbed till I lost my voice but I still woke up with an aching heart. To say I'm disappointed would be a severe understatement. If God exist, he must be a sadist laughing so hard at me right now because my life is a series of jokes.

Treated myself to an expensive but cute-looking luggage because I convinced myself that I haven't went overseas in such a long time, I probably deserve a luggage of my own. Ha, ended up not going anywhere. Gave up a Taiwan trip because I thought I was heading to Hong Kong and didn't want to spend too much money this year. Guess what? Staying in Singapore for the rest of the year because of the bad decisions I made.

Few years ago, I believed so much in the law of attraction. I watched the movie more than four times. I try my best think positive thoughts everyday. The universe gives you what you often think about and because of that, I tried to not talk about bad experiences on my blog Positive mindset will attract positive things because your thoughts manifest into things, no?

Bullshit.

I had nothing but good feelings the whole time. Staying hopeful despite the odds. Looking forward to this for the past two years. At one point, I was so excited I even had photos of Disneyland as my wallpaper. I did my research and thought about Hong Kong every night before I sleep. Even dreamt of the places I could visit there. I thought I could finally touch the places I could only see in pictures.

I did my research, changed my dental appointments, planned the whole itinerary, emailed hotels, checked the weather forecast, read blog posts on Hong Kong every single damn day. I did everything the universe said to do, I followed the law of attraction.

Maybe it's silly to anyone reading this. It's just Hong Kong right, just Disneyland. But that's not how it is to me. I loved Disney since I was a kid. Just like any other kid. But the difference between them and me is I could only watch on as my friends brought photos of their Disneyland trips to school. Those fuckers. It was nothing to them yet they had no idea how much I envied them.

I vividly remember the day they announced that they were building Disneyland at Hong Kong. I was only 8. Who cares if it's the smallest in the world, at least it's somewhere near and relatively affordable. I finally have a possibility of going to Disneyland before I'm 18!!!

Before 18, two different people promised to bring me to Disneyland. Didn't happened. Years passed and I turned 18 without stepping foot in Disneyland, or even Hong Kong. It's okay, I told myself. I already have plans, at least I'll be there before my big 2.

Bam.

Nopenopenopenope. Hopes shattered, dreams destroyed. I don't know what to believe in anymore. Not the universe, not God. Just nothing. Stop believing - that way you won't get hurt. Don't hope for something - expectations lead to disappointments.

I don't even want to go online anymore. Every site I go reminds me of how I worked hard for nothing.

I went on Facebook, my friends are sharing cafes in Hong Kong that everyone should definitely visit at least once. Those were the cafes in my itinerary. Maybe I'll visit them at least once, but just not anytime soon.

I checked my email, and tripadvisor sent me an email telling me prices of the hotel I looked at have dropped. So what if they dropped, I can't even visit them anymore.

I went on Twitter, and Hong Kong was trending. Didn't even cared what were people talking about before I bust into tears of disappointment again.

I went on instagram, and my friends are posting photos of their Hong Kong trip. It seems like everyone is overseas at once or at least planning for something. Well, except me.

I went to read some blogs, read that some DJ is going to Hong Kong during the time I was supposed to go. Have fun in my place lol.

I watched the news, and they talked about the new Hello Kitty dimsum restaurant at Hong Kong. Yes, two of my favourite things combined in a place I cannot visit.

I went to school, my friends asked me how's the preparation for my trip. That's my fault, because I was so excited I told people I would get souvenirs for them before I even confirmed my trip.

I went to class, and my teacher talked about going to Hong Kong or Japan this June holidays. Yeah, my initial plans. Now ruined.

I hate this so much. I'm feeling so fucking bitter I just flat out refuse to go on social media sites or even go online anymore.

Eleven years of waiting, two years of visualising led me to nothing. Perhaps only more waiting. I'm sick of waiting. My whole life I've been waiting and waiting and waiting for things that don't even happen. Disneyland, when will my dreams ever come true?

I'm exhausted.
Let me sleep.

I was excited about this new phase of my life. "If you don't like something about yourself, then fix it," I'd tell myself daily. So I began fixing myself. I changed everything about me that I didn't like in hopes of finding a more confident self.

But one day I met someone who put things into perception for me.

"Why do you have to fix yourself?" He was curious about my new motto.

The answer was simple - because I didn't like who I am.

"Do you change a bulb that still can be lighted up?" he probed again.

I shook my head. Ha, what a silly question. Of course not, nobody does that.

"Then why do you want to fix yourself when you're not broken? The only thing that needs to be fixed is how you look at yourself, how you feel about yourself. You don't need to change yourself to be happy. You change your perception of life."

Disgusting. I call your behaviour utterly repulsive and distasteful. Your words were so venomous I felt nauseous when I first heard them. I wouldn't lie - I was livid. I couldn't believe you could bring yourself to even mutter those words.

But I didn't say anything to defend myself. I didn't want you to have the satisfaction of knowing that your words affected me. I didn't even acknowledge your lies till today. I know I don't have to address those untruths - the discrepancies in your lies will speak for themselves. In time to come, those who believed you would see the kind of person they put their trust in.

I finally see who you are and understand what I've been told. You are the kind of person who would throw your friends under the bus for your own benefit. The kind of person I despise. You are revolting and obnoxious. You are the worst kind of liar out there - the kind who believe whatever's coming out of their mouth is the absolute truth.

You know it yourself. We never contacted each other since that fight, as if it's an unspoken rule that the first one to speak loses. Maybe it's my pride or another of those games you play. Or it's just that our friendship was only meant to last a few months. Those months flew by and soon it was too late to mend anything so I accepted the loss of our friendship and let things go.

When you gossiped, you always said to keep it low. The walls have ears, you'd say. The same logic applies - just because we no longer meet doesn't mean I don't hear about you. When I heard what you said, of course I was irritated. If you had meant to invoke my anger then congrats, I'm not ashamed to say that you won the game. I was both resentful and distressed.

After I've calmed down, I asked myself why did I let a petty rumour like that affect me? You know me; you know I never let anyone's words get to me. More so if I know it's not true. Then I realised it's because I cared deeply for you as a friend.

Despite all the accusations thrown at you, I've always defended you and I've never once opened my mouth to even mumble something bad about you. Never ever. Ask anyone I've spoken to - I spoke nothing but the truth and even defended your character. Many disagreed with you, but I tried to get them to understand the rationale behind your actions.

I never once said I wasn't at fault too. I was partly to blame and this, I admit. When I spoke of our fight, I always told people to keep in mind there are three sides to every story - yours, mine and the truth. Unfortunately, you only remembered one. And so you used what you saw as the truth, as a tool to hurt me.

Yes, you hurt me. Yes, for a moment I felt betrayed and was left with a bitter taste in my mouth. Just for a fleeting moment. Because when that moment passed, I realised this is the best ending I could get. Knowing that I've moved on and you haven't, I've learnt to forgive and you haven't, I've grew up and you are still there spreading a rumour a secondary school student would be proud of.

I did what a good friend would have done to the best of my ability but I can't say the same about you. You lost me, I lost nothing.

School has been a nothing but a frantic rush for me in my third and final year of Mass Communication and much as I hate to say it, this blog might have to take a pause for now. It's not to say that I've lost my passion for writing (or ranting), it's just that I can no longer find it in me to update twice or thrice weekly anymore. It's not as if I no longer have the luxury of time, I still do but I'd rather use that time to read some books and do some revision of school work; something that's benefits my education and future career path.

My creative juices have been running dry; I used to get inspired by the books I read but I can hardly find time to read now. The lack of inspiration has never been more worrying than now because that's just what I need, especially when I'm taking a Creative Writing module which requires me to write poetry - something I'm not quite sure I'm well-versed in so I need to focus my energy on improving and creating better content before I dare show it to the world.

It's my final year. I'm so close to getting the diploma of my dreams. I want to do things right in the final year, cherish the chances I've been blessed with, excel in the modules that I've picked out myself and graduate without any regrets - even if it means that I have to stop updating so much. Or fretting over not updating. 

I'll still write, and even post a poem or two, but I cannot promise that I'll write as frequently as I used to. I still love this little space of mine and I'll never give it up but I believe taking things slow now can only benefit both my blog and myself in the long run.

And I'm sorry I've been only talking about my school life recently which must have been boring for everyone else but this is really what my life is all about now - to get that diploma as soon as possible so that I can begin working and lighten my mom's burden. Nonetheless, I promise to come up with some better verbal diarrhea real soon!

Let this be the start of my Monday Musings series because the most I can now is promise that I'll update once a week. I know today isn't Monday but I just want to get the word out because I just checked my stats and was shocked that there were still visitors on this dead blog haha. Till then! :-)

One day,
You will see him down the streets
And you will look into his eyes
Only to recognise

The one started a fire in you
The one who opened your eyes
The one you promised forever to
The one whom you thought was "The One"

That same person
Was the one who left you in
Such a cruel fashion
You could never love the same again

But when you bump into him
Your heart goes
/ lub-dub / lub-dub / lub-dub /
All over again

In that moment you realised
No matter how old you are
He will always be
Your favourite mistake.

Everyone told me secondary school was going to be the best years of my life, I scoffed and thought, "if these were the best years, I'd hate to think what's gonna happen the rest of my life." But they were right - indeed, those were the best four years of my life thus far.  Just like any human being, I made mistakes. I made most of them when I was 15 and these are the mistakes I come to regret even till today. My brother just turned 15 last month and watching him grow reminded me of the mistakes my friends and I made and the lessons we learnt through the hard and painful way.

In no time at all, I'll be in my final year of Mass Comm. The past couple of years have been extremely taxing but rewarding; I've learnt so much and I can honestly say that I can't see myself else where. However, I can't help but feel conflicted as I count down to the days left till my senior year. On one hand, I've been blessed enough to be given the three electives I chose - Advance Advertising, Social Media Strategies and Creative Writing - and I'm thrilled to be able to work on modules that I absolutely adore again but on the other, I don't know what to do after graduation.

Being a student has been my identity for the past 15 years and I'm not ready to give this up yet. Student discounts and school holidays aside, I don't know if I'm mentally prepared for this. I can't help but feel that I'm neither here nor there. I don't feel ready to enter the working force but I don't know if I'll ever be ready.

I've been spending the past few days thinking about the near future. What I want to do at intern, what I want as a full time job, what do I want to do after graduation, where do I want to be? So many questions, so little time. It feels like I'm charging headfirst into the future without considering too much about the options I have, which terrifies me. Is it just me or does every graduating student feel this way?

One thing I know for sure is that I love travelling and I want to go travelling after ending school. I don't think I can afford to take a month or two off because that will cost waaaay too much but I'm hoping to at least have a week to travel during the period after my internship and before my graduation in 2016. It's my dream to visit the world someday.

I already have a country in mind that I've always wanted to visit but I've never been able to find the right companion because the price to travel to that place is exorbitant and it is generally an obscured and unpopular tourist destination. But all the better right? I've never been an avid follower of the conventional path anyway. 

Because I haven't met a right travel companion so far, this impending trip will potentially be my first solo travel. Although I'm quite apprehensive, I know I will overcome the panicky feelings in no time and the eyeopening trip is going to be so worth it. I definitely can't wait to step foot onto the ground I've only been able to read up on so far! I just know that it's gonna be so wonderfully surreal and amazing.

Well, to justify for such a costly travel, I'm going to work doubly hard this coming semester so I won't feel guilty about spending my savings or taking time off. Jiayou! :)