Dear you who may never read this

July 14, 2015

Dear you,

I'm sorry I'm so clingy.

I wish I don't have to apologise or explain myself yet at the same time I feel the need to. Perhaps it's because I'm afraid of annoying you or the fact that I know you won't try to understand. Introversion is something I need to grow out of, social anxiety means I'm being a pussy. Well, then I hope you know how freaking special you are, that I'm willing to crawl out of my shell for you.

When you said, "It's all in your head", I didn't know how to feel. Most people say that to imply that I'm not trying hard enough. I try to look at it from the bright side, I try to believe you're trying to show support - maybe with the wrong choice of words - but I see it as a sign that you believe I can get out of this alive.

When you said, "Everything will be alright", tears flooded down my cheeks. To any other person, these are simple words, words that can be said by anyone, words that may not mean anything. However, to have you actually worded your support felt amazing; if you knew how much better your words actually make me feel, would you be more generous with them? I wish you knew what a huge difference your words of encouragement can make.

Anyway, I digressed.

When you ask me why am I so emotionally dependent on you, I couldn't give you an answer. Today I sat down and forced an answer out of myself. Why do I insist on more time more time more time when I'm perfectly happy being alone? Why is it that the time we have together never seems enough when in reality, I prefer spending time with myself than anything else? Why do I crave spending more time with you when I find joy in solitary?

Because you make me happy.

It's this straightforward. I can be happy alone, but I'd rather be happy with you. I'm contented being alone, but with you, everything gets much better. I talk more, open up more, laugh more... I feel happier more, and I feel it so easily. All signs of an unhealthy person - the constant insecurities, the irrational fears, the uncontrollable jealousy, the self-hate - all gone with the wind, just with your presence. The dark clouds seem to lift themselves and I never remember those issues when I'm with you.

When you're with me, you cuddle my angst away instead of letting the demons inside my head swallow me up. With you, it feels like all my endless worries disappear, as though they were never troubling me in the first place. When you're by my side, you're the logical part of my brain, you chase away my irrational fears. When I succeed at making you laugh, it's as if the world stops and marvel at my ability to trigger such a wonderful sound.

Of course, I know this is me being selfish. We can never return to the past where you were just as eager to spend time together. I know I probably drain your energy because it's not easy caring for such a sensitive person but I forget this sometimes because I'm so desperate to feel better. I neglect your personal needs and wants while I'm on my quest to find myself.

So what is the perfect balance?

I want to feel better but I don't want to burden you when you're already so busy. I don't know if there will ever be a solution. Maybe the situation will get better with time as promised? Or maybe I'll get better. I don't know what's the point of this post either. It's all really confusing right now. I guess I just want you to understand how being with you affects my mental well being in a good way, and how much all of these means to me.

It's not that I expect you to give up anything for me - trust me, I don't. I just wish there's more than 24 hours in a day, more than 7 days in a week, more time for me to be around you so so that I can heal. Yes, I can survive on my own but my world just feels a little better and spins a little faster with you around.

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