Tick tock tick tock

June 29, 2015

Sorry for this crappy post (probably crappy grammar too) but I'm worn out and exhausted. I'm sick of trying to hold back my tears or sobbing silently. It's near to 4am now and I have a test at 9am, another test tomorrow at 2pm, yet another test and a fiction story due on Wednesday then finally, a critique due on Friday but I spent the last hour typing and backspacing my thoughts because it seem like no word will ever be adequate to describe what's happening.

Someone once commented, "You're such a sad person. Why are you always so sad?"

I'm afraid to be happy. Every time I feel elated, something has to go wrong. My mood is epitome of what goes up must come down. Nothing goes my way. Really. I've came to terms with that but that doesn't mean it hurts any less or I've stopped feeling disappointed. It's just numbness. That I expected this but I wished with every atom of my body that it wouldn't happen, but it did and I don't know how to feel about that.

Have you ever felt so low you can't even feel any emotion running through your blood? Have you ever felt your blood freeze and the world stop as you hear a sentence being muttered? Have you thought of running away to some place where you can sort your mind out and rediscover yourself only to realise that there's so much responsibilities on your shoulders and you can't simply just walk out of them?

Have you ever looked forward to a perfect day but that day never comes? And you keep buying yourself more time. Surely it'd be different soon, you tell yourself. Time crawls by so slowly that you don't realise it's ticking as your fruitless wait continues. Till one day you look back and shock yourself with how different things are now. How much everything has changed except for you because you stood there stubbornly, thinking that one day you will once again experience what you thought was the best day of your life.

Sadly, most experiences only come once. Good things never come easy. Live while it lasts, breathe in the magic. You might never live that day again. And if you're one of the lucky ones who get to experience it again and again and again, congratulations. I want to be happy for you but I'm really just extremely jealous.

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