I don't wanna fall in love

December 24, 2015

People spend so much of their lives trying to figure out what love is. All the books, songs and movies written about love... But nothing else compares to what you personally feel. I like to think of love as some sort of blanket, kind of like a blanket of security. That when you're in it, you feel warmth, comfort and in that moment, nothing else matters.

I like the idea of being in love but honestly, how many of us can maintain that feeling for long? Do you remember your first text confession and how you felt your heart in your throat upon feeling vibration from your phone? And how your world lights up for that little moment when you receive a call from the person you love? So exactly how much time do we have till love becomes an obligation instead of a feeling that makes you high?

I can't say I've seen many relationships that withstood the test of time and even less happily-ever-afters. What disturbs me the most is how love can fade away so gradually that you do not notice till it's too late. I experienced this once and the next time, I did everything I could to keep things going - put in the same amount of efforts I did when we were dating, wrote him monthly letters and little things like that. But it takes two hands to clap; eventually the cracks that I tried to hard to hide still began to show.

Therefore, is the other party at fault or my expectations of love? To be politically correct, I'd say there's no right or wrong when it comes to love. However, realistically speaking, something must have gone haywire for us to lose that intensity of our love, am I right? And mind you, this is no blame game I'm playing - I don't need that right now - I'm just desperate to figure this out.

How many of you spent the first few months of your relationship soaked in sugar coated words and sweet gestures only to have them taken away once you entered the serious stage of your relationship? That's what I'm afraid of. That all things good come to an end. How can you ensure that the person you're dating now will keep doing the things they did to get you in the first place? You simply can't.

I know I'd hate to love someone with every atom and molecule in my body only to find out that our relationship isn't going the way I envisioned when we first started. Yet at the same time, it's so draining for me to walk around with my defenses up all the time merely because I dare not allow myself to love fully. I hate that people change, things change, relationships change and I have no control over these changes.

If only there's a checklist for humans. That we can glance at someone and know what they're looking for, be it friends with benefits, a committed relationship or even just a companion. Or even know their characteristics so that we don't have to spend years getting to know them only to face a heartbreak in the end. Wouldn't that make our lives so much easier?

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3 comments

  1. haha of course I do remembered my first confession but the memory is kinda vague now after all these years. I won't say that I know how you feel exactly, but what I do know is the feeling of the heart closing up with each disappointment and despair to the point that it affects the way you view love and how you interact with the opposite gender. I think that when you're burned by love, its' hard to open yourself again. But still ..... beautiful things can happen if our hearts remain open. With each pain comes a gain, a gain of knowledge in love and that knowledge will make you wiser in your choices; think of it as a love filter that helps you filter those not worth of your love where you'll eventually end up with the only one just for you

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    1. thank you, i will try and remember this :') i read somewhere that if you think the wrong relationship is beautiful, imagine how perfect it feels when the right one comes along. i guess i'm just really hanging on to those words now.

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  2. Soul, have you seen the rain on a sunny day? This is how it feels....

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