Love: when it happens, if it happens

October 23, 2016

I've always been curious about the spiritual realm, soon turning into an avid believer when my brushes with feng shui and tarot card readings turned out to be frighteningly accurate. I even made it a point to do a tarot card reading once every month, noting down the results then comparing it with what happened at the end of the month.

这张被单这张睡床
再舒服都觉得太宽

Take for example, my previous month's tarot card reading mentioned if there's a chance to travel, I should go for it. Shortly after, a friend approached me, asking if I'd like to go on a short weekend getaway to Genting with her friend. The tarot card reading has already slipped my mind, but I jumped on the opportunity anyway because of my constant need to getaway from Singapore. It's only when I went back to last month's tarot card readings that I spot the coincidence.

Tarot card readings are always more accurate on hindsight when I reflect on monthly happenings so I never gave much thought to the readings when I first receive them. It was more of like a oh good to know, then I'll usually forget about my tarot card readings till much later. This month's tarot card reading, as always, was rather general — opportunities will present themselves, peace will be restored, a time to celebrate with loved ones, a time of change, crisis of faith.

But I was taken aback as I unveiled the last remaining card.

Hmm, a new lover?

Of course, I take tarot card readings with a pinch of salt but it was surprising considering I haven't been actively looking for love and even deliberately stayed away from guys who showed interest in me. I haven't exactly given guys any chances of entering my life either because I never felt ready. I still struggle to love myself — and I deduced that I can't love another till I learn to love myself — not to mention that I'm still healing from my previous relationship.

After six years of jumping from one relationship to another, I needed all the space to discover myself, and that's what I've been doing on my own. It came to a point whereby I was confused when my friends asked how do I stay happy on my own. It didn't make sense to me — I was born single, why was I expected to have someone attached to my hips? I don't need someone to complete me because I'm not a 50%. I'm a 100% on my own.

Coupled with colleagues constantly placing emphasis on my tender age, I concluded that the best (and tragically, last) years of my teenage life should be spent single. Assuming that they know better since they have more experiences in life, I put trust in their words, grew independent and chose to place all my love on my family, friends and myself.

However, a conversation with someone from my past a few days back made me realised I have grown, even if I didn't notice the change myself. Humans adapt quickly to situations — losing the love of my life, having my closest friends walk out of my life abruptly and finally stepping into society all within a span of half a year woke me up.

Surrounded with well-travelled colleagues, some of whom are much older than me, gave me a broader perspective of life, made me grow mature and now I'm sure of what I want. I'm more aware of myself now and can my own emotions in check, compared to the volatile girl I was just a few months back.

I'm ready for someone new to enter my life. At least, I think so.

I'm still a tiny weeny bit apprehensive about being in another relationship at this age. Yeah, I miss the warmth and having someone to ask — and actually care about — how my day is going, but I hated the emotional roller coaster, I detested how I sought someone else's approval when I can be a whole person on my own.

I guess that's the bit about growing up: I constantly remind myself I shouldn't need to live for anyone else. Although I'm still a physical person who craves intimacy (my love language, nothing sexual), I supposed I rather miss the familiarity of having someone to cuddle with than have the companionship of someone wrong for me.

And if I can keep remembering that, then I'm good.

This tarot card reading doesn't change anything. I still revel in the idea of solitary; in fact, I mentioned to my mom a couple of weeks back that it isn't terrible if I end up being single for life either — without any responsibilities, I can use all my money to travel and explore the world on my own. My mom simply rolled her eyes at me. Haha. I'm taking things one step at a time. If it happens, it happens. I guess love comes when you least expect it to and it'll never hit you if you're actively seeking it.

To my future lover, if we do meet, hello. I hope you adore travelling as much as I do because I can never stay in Singapore for too long before I feel the need to pack up and escape elsewhere again. Please be ready for an untamed soul and lots of travels, it's gonna be a helluva adventure :)

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