My (lack of a) father.

September 19, 2013

I hate father's day. Every father's day I see girls (mostly) posting about their fathers, showing how much of a daddy's girl they are to their father. I hate that. I feel like they are mocking me, taunting me, because I've never experienced the same amount of love from my father, and that I probably never would in the future.

To be honest, I feel a tinge of jealousy whenever I watch my father and step-sister interact with each other. Don't get me wrong; my step-sister is extremely adorable and I love her to bits but I'm just scared that I will be replaced in my father's heart just because we are no longer as close as we were. I'm afraid that one day, when my father is old, he won't even remember me anymore. I wish that I can spend more time with him, but it's always awkward hanging out with him. It has came to a point whereby my brother and I only call him when we need something and I think it's really pathetic. My father thinks that we are only after his money and we dread calling him because we don't know what to say since we know that he feels this way.

I always thought I was the only one who misses my father but the other day, I heard my brother listening to a sad song about divorce and I realised that I'm not the only who feels this way. I am very well aware that my parents are better off this way but it somehow still sucks to know that I will never have a perfect family.  

My brother and I stopped visiting my father when I was going through a rebellious age and I can honestly say that ALL I ever wanted at that point was to have a normal functioning family like my peers. I tried everything I could to achieve that. I moved in with my father, but that didn't work. And when I moved back with my mother, I decided that I don't want to visit my father every weekend anymore because I just want every weekend to be a normal family day for us. It was a huge mistake. This mistake caused my brother and I to further drift apart from our father.

My father is a man of few words - he will not show how much he actually cares and being his daughter, I inherited his genes. That is the main reason I blog - because, as stupid as it may sound, I find it so much easier to tell a non-living thing how I feel. I wish there is a way I can tell him that I care about him, and that I love him but no, that is near impossible...

Before my parents' divorce, while we were still living in Clementi, my father and I were really close. Though I was really young back then, I remember all the things he has done for me. From bringing me down for a midnight stroll when I couldn't sleep, to holding my hands as I go down the slide at the playground so that I wouldn't fall, to buying me every toy I want despite us being poor, to comforting me when I'm crying, to catering to my every whim and fancy.

Sure, he had a bad temper and my family wasn't well-to-do, but he was a perfect dad, at least to me. I'm not sure when did things start to change. Was it because I grew up and realised how cruel reality is? Did things turn sour because we weren't rich? Or did things take a turn during my parents' divorce? Was it because we grew apart? Does everyone grow apart eventually? I'll never find the answers to my questions but I guess it isn't important anyway.

I hope that when I get married, my husband will be a good father to my future kid(s) and that they will never have to go through what I went through because being in a broken family just doesn't feel right. Yes, my mom dotes on me a lot and I am extremely pampered by everyone in my family, but there is still a void in my heart. And this void can only be filled up by the love of a father.

You Might Also Like