我们都怕痛但又好想试着牵手

February 08, 2015


Two years ago, I chanced upon a song and downloaded it because I liked the tune of it. When he enlisted and we became closer, the same song randomly played in my playlist one day. This time, I fell in love with the song, almost as much as I fell for him. Almost. I replayed the song so many times it came up as the most played song in my playlist within a week.



I took comfort in every word in this song. Every line spoke so much to me. I soaked in the song for months, even after we got together because I couldn't believe how blissfully happy I was. I don't think any song would have described things better.

We were both individuals who got so hurt in our last relationship so much that we didn't want to get into another one. He once told me he doesn't believe in love and I said I don't believe relationships at this age can last. I knew that he couldn't give me any assurance but I have never felt happier or more secured than that. We were apprehensive, we were confused but we were in love. And so, we took the plunge.

I remember that night like it was just yesterday. I reached his house at around 11pm because he booked out late. Digressing a little, throughout our relationship, this seems to always happen whenever we're meeting after he books out. So much that, though frustrated at times, I joked that SAF hates me. I wish I realised the value of that moment. I wish I could still make the same joke.

When I reached his house, he treated me like a princess. He bought some snacks in case we get hungry, my favourite drink and Kinder Joy (because he thought my favourite chocolate is Kinder Joy but it's actually Kinder Surprise). I still keep the toy from that chocolate. We played a few songs on my phone and he commented that he liked the songs I had. He was so worn out after a long day but still stayed up accompanying me and we watched Rapunzel on my laptop for a while before going to bed.

I watched him sleep but I couldn't fall asleep no matter how hard I tried. Was it the new environment or was it because I was afraid I would lose that moment if I sleep? Was it because I screwed up my body clock or was it because I was scared of screwing up what we had? I'll never find out.

I stayed up the whole night texting a close friend, telling her all my fears. What if he turned out like my ex? What if the beautiful friendship we shared turned into a disaster because of a mistake? What if we weren't meant to be after all? What if he changed his mind? What if he cannot handle who I am? What if what if what if? I had so many things running through my mind that it was impossible to keep track of them.

To say that I was terrified would be an understatement.

But was it worth it? Yes, yes and yes. It was worth more than everything. I wouldn't trade what we had for anything else in the world. He gave me whatever little time he had, he made me so happy, so pampered, so spoilt, it hurts to even think about it. Have you ever experienced constant sharp stinging sensations in your heart? Yeah, it's that kind of pain. I loved every single second spent with him and I can't imagine giving up on what we had.

Chancing upon this song again more than a year later brings back so much memories. Did we really forget how we used to be or did we try to forget because it's easier than talking about it and working things out? We used to be so in love, so eager to spend time with each other. I kept doing the things I did for him before we got together so that I would never take him for granted? But what happened in between? Hard as I tried, I still couldn't prevent shit from happening.

Is this how love always ends up? Because I have never seen a happily ever after in my whole life. I know I love him. I loved him with the whole of my heart, I loved him with everything I had. They say to keep someone, you have to keep chasing. I never stopped trying, never took things for granted. But things still changed. I have tried my best and I know there was nothing I could have done to stop this. If this is love, then was the momentary happiness worth the pain?

He never knew why was this song so important to me but if he reads this eventually, he will.

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1 comments

  1. I also have a song.
    CNBLUE ~ Because I miss you.
    To the girl I have a crush on, I hope one day we are not stranger anymore.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5pmN9QeDReU

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