Spending the last few days alone made me realised four things.

• My perception can change everything 

It's normal to fall into a slump sometimes but what's important is I snap myself out of it. For the past few days, I didn't let myself listen to the songs that would affect me and if I accidentally played them, I refused to succumb to my sadness or even write about it. I knew what were my trigger for tears and stopped thinking about those issues.

I'm ashamed to say I sobbed the first night then teared a little on the second. I knew you would have hated that. By the third day, I still find myself thinking of you, especially when I received good news because you were always the first one I turned to with good news, but I felt tranquility for the first time since forever. I am in control of my own emotions and I never even knew how much control I had till today.

I gave myself a break and stopped blaming everything on myself. For once, I learned to love myself, accept compliments and lived for myself; I didn't even do that on purpose, it just gradually happened. Instead of my usual volatile mood swings, I feel like I'm surrounded by serenity. Everything became brighter, the bleak future suddenly felt warm and hopeful. I guess, the world is not as bad as I thought it was after all.

• It's okay to not be okay

Initially I kept asked myself why but now I know change is necessary and inevitable. It's okay to leave some things unresolved, it's okay to not rush through things just because it's expected of us, it's okay to slow down, it's okay to have different opinions. Sometimes it's necessary to take a break so that we have the energy to continue the journey.

When I face a problem, my first instinct is to solve it; I focus so much on how to solve this problem and overthink, resulting in me missing out the better things in life. I've since learned to slow down and just enjoy the pace of life. Sometimes things don't happen the way I want them to, but that's okay because I'll still be okay in the end.

• My happiness relies on myself

I've relied on others for my happiness for long enough. It's time for me to take charge of my own happiness. In the past, I needed validation from others. They tell be I'll be fine, I'm good enough, my work is of excellent quality. When I receive no such affirmation, I assumed I'm not doing well causing me to feel paranoid and insecure. When I'm upset and the people I turned to did not reply fast enough, I thought I wasn't important and they didn't care about me.

It hasn't been this case for the past few days. I don't need others to tell me what I am or what I'm not; nobody knows me better than myself. For once in a long while, I feel okay with myself. I don't need constant assurance or replies to feel better. I don't have to compare myself to anyone else because I'm living my own life and nobody leads the same life. I'm fine with not having what other people have and I'm okay with moving at my own speed so long as I'm comfortable with it.

I know this sounds cliché but I spent the last few years looking for someone to love me when all I needed was to love myself. The few nights I spent alone reflecting taught me I have to love myself before anyone can even love me. I kept trying to find someone who could fix me when all I needed to fix was my perception, give myself a break and stop being my own biggest critique. When I find peace within myself, everything will fall into place. I realised, hey you know, I can survive on my own.

I never understood why people say, "find someone you don't need in your life but still want to have" but today I finally got it. The fact that I don't need anyone for my survival but still chose to be around the people I hang out with makes things even more precious.

• How fulfilling heavy workloads can actually be

I always loved school, and have always made it clear to everyone that I love whatever I'm doing. But this week, in particular, made me understand the saying "the roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is sweet." There's no better feeling than getting praised for something you've worked so hard on and getting A(s) for unexpected assignments. 

At least when I'm busy, I know I'm doing something productive with my life instead of wasting my years away not knowing what's up or what's coming for me. Times like these I'm motivated to go on despite the crazy last three weeks of school. 

---

I keep forgetting how much control I have over my life. Nothing makes me sadder than me and nothing makes me happier than me.

Hell month is here again with the endless submissions, tests, presentations whatsoever. As usual, when it comes to me, bad things don't just happen once in a while - they hit me like a wrecking ball all at once. It seems like everyday, someone just has to ruin life for me. I dread waking up every morning because I don't know what's going to hit me and I'm tired of acting like I don't care when I do. I'm sick of pretending I'm fine with everything and life is just a bed of roses when it's more like piles of shit. 

The past weeks has been dreadful due to several events happening over July. They leave behind an unpleasant taste in my mouth that I haven't been able to get rid of since. I haven't felt this way in a long time and it sucks that I can't talk to the person involved. It drives me to the edge that I'm unable to talk about it because I know nothing can be solved this way but sometimes I just wonder if some words are really better left unsaid...? I used to be so sure to say whatever I feel in an outright manner so that I don't have to hide my feelings but now I'm not sure anymore.

Anyhow, I'm glad my friends have been my pillar of strength, giving me difficulties keeping a straight face in class, encouraging me and keeping me sane :') Even though I know I'm being super spiteful towards people who intentionally hurt me, these friends are the ones who stayed to support me, laugh with me and occasionally remind me I'm being too extreme. I wish I could post screenshots of what we talk about but that would just get me into trouble so I'm not gonna do that. Lol.

In a way, I'm also thankful for the upcoming hell weeks because at least school will keep me distracted as it always does when I'm upset. Looking at the upcoming projects, I can only say despite how terrible I'm feeling deep inside, I know I'm really blessed. To be able to study what I love, to even enjoy what I'm doing when I'm drowning in my work. I've never experienced anything more satisfying than what I'm doing right now.

I'm busy and unhappy.
But that's okay.
Because I'll be okay.

Dear you,

I'm sorry I'm so clingy.

I wish I don't have to apologise or explain myself yet at the same time I feel the need to. Perhaps it's because I'm afraid of annoying you or the fact that I know you won't try to understand. Introversion is something I need to grow out of, social anxiety means I'm being a pussy. Well, then I hope you know how freaking special you are, that I'm willing to crawl out of my shell for you.

When you said, "It's all in your head", I didn't know how to feel. Most people say that to imply that I'm not trying hard enough. I try to look at it from the bright side, I try to believe you're trying to show support - maybe with the wrong choice of words - but I see it as a sign that you believe I can get out of this alive.

When you said, "Everything will be alright", tears flooded down my cheeks. To any other person, these are simple words, words that can be said by anyone, words that may not mean anything. However, to have you actually worded your support felt amazing; if you knew how much better your words actually make me feel, would you be more generous with them? I wish you knew what a huge difference your words of encouragement can make.

Anyway, I digressed.

When you ask me why am I so emotionally dependent on you, I couldn't give you an answer. Today I sat down and forced an answer out of myself. Why do I insist on more time more time more time when I'm perfectly happy being alone? Why is it that the time we have together never seems enough when in reality, I prefer spending time with myself than anything else? Why do I crave spending more time with you when I find joy in solitary?

Because you make me happy.

It's this straightforward. I can be happy alone, but I'd rather be happy with you. I'm contented being alone, but with you, everything gets much better. I talk more, open up more, laugh more... I feel happier more, and I feel it so easily. All signs of an unhealthy person - the constant insecurities, the irrational fears, the uncontrollable jealousy, the self-hate - all gone with the wind, just with your presence. The dark clouds seem to lift themselves and I never remember those issues when I'm with you.

When you're with me, you cuddle my angst away instead of letting the demons inside my head swallow me up. With you, it feels like all my endless worries disappear, as though they were never troubling me in the first place. When you're by my side, you're the logical part of my brain, you chase away my irrational fears. When I succeed at making you laugh, it's as if the world stops and marvel at my ability to trigger such a wonderful sound.

Of course, I know this is me being selfish. We can never return to the past where you were just as eager to spend time together. I know I probably drain your energy because it's not easy caring for such a sensitive person but I forget this sometimes because I'm so desperate to feel better. I neglect your personal needs and wants while I'm on my quest to find myself.

So what is the perfect balance?

I want to feel better but I don't want to burden you when you're already so busy. I don't know if there will ever be a solution. Maybe the situation will get better with time as promised? Or maybe I'll get better. I don't know what's the point of this post either. It's all really confusing right now. I guess I just want you to understand how being with you affects my mental well being in a good way, and how much all of these means to me.

It's not that I expect you to give up anything for me - trust me, I don't. I just wish there's more than 24 hours in a day, more than 7 days in a week, more time for me to be around you so so that I can heal. Yes, I can survive on my own but my world just feels a little better and spins a little faster with you around.

Sorry for this crappy post (probably crappy grammar too) but I'm worn out and exhausted. I'm sick of trying to hold back my tears or sobbing silently. It's near to 4am now and I have a test at 9am, another test tomorrow at 2pm, yet another test and a fiction story due on Wednesday then finally, a critique due on Friday but I spent the last hour typing and backspacing my thoughts because it seem like no word will ever be adequate to describe what's happening.

Someone once commented, "You're such a sad person. Why are you always so sad?"

I'm afraid to be happy. Every time I feel elated, something has to go wrong. My mood is epitome of what goes up must come down. Nothing goes my way. Really. I've came to terms with that but that doesn't mean it hurts any less or I've stopped feeling disappointed. It's just numbness. That I expected this but I wished with every atom of my body that it wouldn't happen, but it did and I don't know how to feel about that.

Have you ever felt so low you can't even feel any emotion running through your blood? Have you ever felt your blood freeze and the world stop as you hear a sentence being muttered? Have you thought of running away to some place where you can sort your mind out and rediscover yourself only to realise that there's so much responsibilities on your shoulders and you can't simply just walk out of them?

Have you ever looked forward to a perfect day but that day never comes? And you keep buying yourself more time. Surely it'd be different soon, you tell yourself. Time crawls by so slowly that you don't realise it's ticking as your fruitless wait continues. Till one day you look back and shock yourself with how different things are now. How much everything has changed except for you because you stood there stubbornly, thinking that one day you will once again experience what you thought was the best day of your life.

Sadly, most experiences only come once. Good things never come easy. Live while it lasts, breathe in the magic. You might never live that day again. And if you're one of the lucky ones who get to experience it again and again and again, congratulations. I want to be happy for you but I'm really just extremely jealous.

(Ad) - Read on because I have a special discount code specially for you readers, courtesy of Panasonic Singapore and Omy!

Let me tell you a secret about me that I'm quite ashamed of. If you know me personally, I'm a very lazy girl and since puberty ended (goodbye daily acne break outs!) I usually only wash my face with water... Or facial cleanser fortnightly when I feel like it. No toner, mask or serum.

To be honest, when Omy invited me for a beauty workshop with Bryan Gan I was skeptical. I've been using just water for the past few years and it hasn't caused any major problems. Admittedly, my skin's condition could be a lot better but why take the risk with new products on the market especially when I have sensitive skin?

Ladies, even if you're not familiar with Bryan Gan, I'm sure you know the show '女人我最大'. Well, Bryan is the Singapore representative in that show and he has been appearing for the past three seasons! Obviously, I'm not going to give up this rare opportunity so I decided to go for the talk and thank god I was there because I'm can now share some very useful tips with you girls!


Firstly, before anything else, do you know that the key to youthful skin isn't in the products you but your breathing techniques? Yes! All these years of us not doing the correct breathing exercises will eventually accumulate and result in us aging ungracefully.

Did you know that our stem cells, which repairs our skin, actually start to "fall asleep" when we turn 19! This simply 3 step breathing exercise taught by Bryan will help activate your stem cells, which reactivate your stem cells to repair your skin faster.

1. Inhale through your nose for 4 seconds
2. Hold your breath for 7 seconds
3. Exhale through your mouth for 8 seconds

Not only does this exercise help you reactivate your stem cells, it cools you down when you're aggravated and we all know that being angry gives us wrinkles that we don't need. I don't know about you but I'll definitely be using this exercise a lot because I have anger management problems, especially when working on a school project. ಠ_ಠ


Additionally, the correct breathing technique would ensure that your lungs capacity stay in shape - extremely important, especially in TCM where they believe that the condition of our hair and skin revolves around our lungs. Do this short and simple exercise three times in the morning and three times at night to reactivate your lungs cell and ensure that your lungs stay healthy!

So as you can see, there is a pattern here of reactivating your cells because they tend to "fall asleep" as we age T_T Similarly, massages and kneading on our face will keep our skin looking radiant and smooth. Instead of spending money at spas daily, which would be quite impossible because of the price, Panasonic came up with the Panasonic Facial Roller.


The Panasonic Facial Roller comes with two removable rollers so you can change them depending on which body or face area you're targeting. There is also a heating element to create a warming effect on your skin for better blood circulation.


As Bryan demonstrated, the flat stroking roller can be used to roll on your face in an upwards direction to prevent your skin from sagging but as a teenager, sassy skin is not my concern yet. Bryan caught my attention when he shared that the roller could be used on your stomach as well! This roller helps with digestion and the toning of your stomach without exercising!


Also, one thumb above your naval is where you can "remove the water" in your body system. By pressing one thumb there for six seconds for around ten times, you can help transport the water stuck in your stomach out of your body. You can do this small exercise after using the flat stroking roller to be even more effective in getting a flat tummy!


For the round squeezing roller, it can be used on your jaw area, rolled 10-15 times upwards to give you a firmer face and more defined jawline! *dreamy eyes* Not only that, you can use this to roll on your neck, your arms and even your legs!

With a diamond grip, their rollers give a gentle kneading and massage feeling on your skin. This is especially important for teenagers like me because I'm constantly typing away on my laptop and my neck is perpetually aching. 

Moreover, the cordless Panasonic Facial Roller would allow you to easily carry it anywhere. Ideal if you want to bring this to school or office to relax after a hectic day. Imagine a portable spa?!




As for your delicate eyes, Bryan shared with us that corn silk can be used to make tea which you can drink once a twice a week to detox your body and reduce puffiness and water retention in your eyes.

In addition to that, Panasonic's Eye Warming Massager can help improve circulation around your eye area, especially for our generation where our eyes are constantly either glued to our laptops or smartphones ಠ╭╮ಠ

Panasonic's Eye Warming Massager emits warm steam that moisturises eye area and this is especially crucial for vain pots who wears contact lenses because contact lenses tend to dry your eyes. Also, the two types of vibrating massage modes help user relieve eye strain - important teenagers like you and me because constantly staring at our electronic devices leads to tired eyes.

Most importantly, the rotary power cord and compact size means that you can use it anywhere and easily bring it anywhere including overseas! It's also rechargeable so if you're planning to bring it to school or office, you don't have to bring the power cord along!



As Bryan suggested, the most 'shiok' way of using this is when you're lying down because you can fully enjoy the warm comfortable steam but I can already see myself bringing this to school. Imagine when you're dealing with a slacker in your project group and you just take this out, relax and go back to reality with sparkly eyes. Even if this doesn't solve your slacker problem, at least you look glam while rushing work.


If you're looking for more than just an eye steamer, Panasonic also has the Compact Facial Steamer for your face. Facial steaming is not foreign in the beauty industry as it can reduce facial oil and sebum and refine pores for smoother skin but Panasonic's Compact Facial Steamer emits nano particle ion steam to provide deep moisture retention for your skin and increase the firmness and suppleness of your skin!


Although Panasonic's Compact Facial Steamer is not suitable for you to put in essential oil in, Bryan taught us another of his hacks - to tape a pack of essential oil above the facial steamer so the steam passes through the essential oil before reaching our faces, giving us the best of both worlds! Do it just once a week for a maximum of six minutes each time and you'll be able to see a difference in your face.

After using the facial steamer, most people would splash their faces with cold water but Panasonic has another product to enhance that step!


Introducing the Panasonic Facial Cool Putter, which reaches about 15℃ and instantly cools and tightens skin. For supple and moisturised skin, you can use the Compact Facial Steamer for six minutes then use this Facial Cool Putter for another two minutes. To take care of your pores, you can use the Compact Facial Steamer for three minutes, use this Facial Cool Putter for another minute, then go back to the Compact Facial Steamer for two minutes and Facial Cool Putter for one last minute.



Even without the Compact Facial Steamer, this product alone is extremely lovely in Singapore's hot weather. Can you imagine that already? Bring this portable design out in Singapore's forever summer weather and putting the cold metal against your skin when everyone else is burning in the weather. The best thing is the special treatment on your skin contact surface prevents metal allergy so you don't have to worry even if you have sensitive skin!

After Bryan's talk, we walked around trying the products and I finally got my hands on the Panasonic Facial Roller. Verdict: I love it!!!

I bought the Panasonic Facial Roller for my mom (with my own money, not sponsored) because she often complains about body aches and she's also very into beauty products. I'll be sharing more on the facial roller on my blog when I've received it and I'm so excited to try it on my neck and stomach too!!!

From now till 5 July 2015, Panasonic Singapore is extending a very special offer exclusive for my readers!





You may purchase the products in 3 simple steps -

1. Email hanwei.chew01@sg.panasonic.com with subject "Blog readers' promo - Panasonic Beauty (omy.sg)"
2. Indicate product name, model, and quantity of items you wish to purchase.
3. Indicate your name and contact number, as well as my blog URL (pekyj.blogspot.com)

Panasonic Singapore will then reply to your email with the payment and delivery details. Remember, promotion is only till 5 July 2015, while stocks last!

Note: I am not earning any commission from this and I'm sharing these products because I truly believe that they work :-)

This is a very common question but it freaks me out endlessly. At 19, I feel like I'm neither an adult nor a teen. I just passed my last teen birthday but we are only considered adults at 21. So what happens when you're 20?

To me, 20 will be the age of discovery. You lose the fake friends you made in secondary school and poly. You stop being this naive and innocent but gain more knowledge. You shed a part of you in order to grow and you can only hope you don't lose a part of you in your transition to adulthood.

When I think of me as an adult, there are two variations.

1. A career-driven woman with her dream job

I want to be in the advertising industry or social media marketing. But how many people can make it big? That's my worry. What if I don't earn enough to give my mom a comfortable life? I promised her I'll do my best so that our family will never ever have to worry about money again. But will my best be enough? How can I perform up to task and ensure that I don't disappoint anyone?
 
The woman that I see myself in ten years has never worked a day in her life. She can sacrifice her sleep to ensure that every pixel of her design is in place but she's happy doing that. She doesn't care about her pay or her position in the company - she just wants to be happy doing what she's passionate about. And that's a lot like me right now.

When I imagine myself at 29, I see a girl who's finally confident of her work and has proven that she's capable. I see a woman who is very focused and very passionate about the industry she's in. I see a woman taking pride in each and every of her design, I see a woman loving every campaign she's taken up.

At 29, earning more money will be a bonus, but my priority is still focused on making sure I constantly improve myself. I still want my designs to be near-perfect and they get the recognition they need. Maybe making money will be a worry later on in life but for now, I cannot imagine myself working in an industry just for the good pay.

However, I am fully aware that I cannot survive on passion alone. Passion doesn't pay my bills or give me food. Much as I'd like to focus all my energy on designing, making sure I get a good pay is another thing. And how do you define good pay when diplomas are the new O Level certs in our generation? I'm planning to stop at a diploma for now and start working as soon as possible. Is my choice the correct choice?

I am also neglecting office politics. I don't know how they work and I'm not sure if I can handle it well. I never liked sucking up to people, never knew how to say nice things to others just to please them. I'm just not that kind of person and I don't know how to make myself likeable either. Some people are just born with it, unfortunately not me. So many things I need to learn before entering the workforce. I know that's not who I am but sometimes circumstances don't let us be who we truly are, right?

2. I also see myself being a housewife with an adorable kid in ten years.

I've always said I wanted to be a housewife when I was younger because I didn't know where I was heading towards. Maybe this dream hasn't died in me or maybe it's the motherly instincts most girls are born with, but I also see myself as a supportive wife and caring mom.

I don't think I can ever do a better job than my mom but I see myself being the first teacher to my kid, nurturing him, teaching him life values that he will hold close to his heart. Yes, I see myself with a son because I think boys have cuter clothes in H&M lol. Okay, maybe I'm not ready to be a mom yet but I see myself ready by then hahahaha.

My future husband will hold me when I'm sad and take long, therapeutic walks with me when needed. We'll be a corny family, the kind you only see on television commercials. I will tighten his tie for him before he goes to work and he will always remember to give me a kiss if I'm still sleeping. I will wait for my future husband to return home and we will hug each other the moment he steps in. I don't want my son to grow up thinking affection is something to be ashamed about.

But what I'm forgetting is the fact that every family is dysfunctional on some level and mine will be too, in the future. I'm avoiding the adult stuff like struggling to get a car because of the ever rising COE, not being able to buy a flat because of insufficient funds in our CPF because I'll spend a lot of my CPF paying off my student loans. I'm choosing to not think about the insecurities, the fights, the yelling, the cries. But not thinking about them doesn't mean they don't exist.

I cannot imagine myself trusting someone to take care of me and be there for me for life. I am clingy, controlling, insecure and paranoid. I cannot imagine someone loving me unconditionally despite everything that I am. I cannot imagine someone telling me, "I'm willing to spend a lifetime with you despite all that you are." People tell me that's what true love is all about but how many of us really find true love in our lifetime?

I don't know, I'm just really in a dilemma.

And I've been so addicted to Internet shopping recently!!! I can't find the time for a much-needed physical retail therapy since I've been so busy with school so I’ve been scrolling through online stores so much. Honestly, I have absolutely no idea what am I wearing half the time because school has been so hectic nobody really cares about what they wear to school anymore.

But thank god I’m not too out of trend because at least I've been following some recent fashion trends with Zalora. I actually got inspired to put together this outfit after looking through the catalog for their cute and quirky trend. Cute is totally my style and I guess quirky is what I'd like to imagine myself to be? LOL. But the main point is that I didn't spend too much on this! Just dug around my old wardrobe for some old pieces that I've never worn after getting inspired and taadaaa!

I hope I inspired you to take a look at the recent fashion trends and try to improvise with what you already have! The first rule of shopping is that fashion doesn't always have to be expensive. And the second rule is if you don't have something - buy it! You can never have too much of anything ;-)