Sure, I love being paid to do what I did for free in school and the fact that I'm being paid to do what I enjoy doing is great but more specifically, I love talking to the stewardesses and stewards from my internship place because they always have such interesting travel stories to share! (｡◕‿◕｡) Since I don't have the financial capabilities to travel yet, just listen to the stories also not bad right hahahhaha.

They get to travel so often around the world and their lives sounded so exciting that for a moment, I was tempted to join them as well! Plus, they get to do authentic designer shopping from locations like US and Europe and things are definitely a lot cheaper there. *shiny eyes* Everyone knows my weakness is Marc Jacobs!!! Doesn't hurt that their paychecks allow them to shop at designer stores without feeling the pinch.

Also because everyone there kept asking me if I'm planning to fly after I'm done with my internship and I'm very easily influenced wtf. But I remembered that I don't hit the height requirement for any airlines so my dreams are shattered before they even begin fml hahahhahahaha.

I'm beginning to sound like a bimbo but the truth is, even if I'm tall enough, I'm not sure if I can handle the responsibilities that come with flying. I think I'll just work hard and pay for my own travels hahahahhaha.

I disconnect myself from reality, I told myself to stop expecting. When you're nice to me, I keep reminding myself that you are not the same person I fell in love with. I always told myself to not have any expectations anymore because I know you cannot fulfill them. Sometimes I put on an act so well that I fool even myself. Hmmm, maybe I really don't care anymore...

Yet, at the end of the day?

It still hurts because I still love you. I don't know how can I stop and it's tearing me apart. I cannot talk about it to anyone, I cannot understand you, I don't know what I want. One sentence from you is enough to bring me up to heaven or drag me down to hell. My heart still skips a beat when you flirt with me, I still feel butterflies in my stomach when you kiss me.

But none of these change the fact that you're the different person from who you were two years back. If you're different, then who and what am I in love with? The tiny cells that make up who you are? Or am I blinded by who you were? Am I waiting for a miracle to happen so that you could be the same again? How long can I hold on to this hope till it gets too tiring?

Why won't you talk to me?

I feel disgusted. A few months ago, I thought I have finally recovered from this illness that has haunted me since I was 13 but as I started putting on weight, it happened again. I can't stop weighing myself, I can't put down that measuring tape. I spend my free time looking at myself in the mirror and criticizing every flaw I could find.

I have no one to turn to anymore because I don't know how to tell people that it doesn't work and I've lost hope. I can't even bring myself to write about it because I feel like such a failure. All the time I wasted seeing my counselor didn't help at all.

Perhaps what scares me the most is the fact that no one might ever understand... Or even try. I hate being brushed aside, I hate it when people tell me I just need to change my mindset. Mental disorders are such a bitch; you keep telling yourself that it's all in your mind but it starts affecting you physically and when it consumes you in every part of your life, you're forced to admit that it's no longer just in your head.

How is it not affecting my life when I get panic attacks even while taking public transport? The anxiety sets in even when I think about getting on a crowded bus. People keep telling me to see a therapist and I'll get better but how can I afford long-term therapy?

Every weekday I get up and go to work. It's almost like I'm on my autopilot mode. But I can't escape forever. Autopilot on, I feel nothing. Autopilot off, terror sets in. I hate that even mundane things like walking home frightens me and I have to constantly look behind me or even run to my void deck to feel safe.

Why can't I just eat without worrying about the oil in my food? Nobody else feels grossed out eating the same food, so why do I face this problem? And I don't get why can't I just go exercise instead of freaking out about my weight gain. I don't even understand myself, how do I expect anyone to understand this disaster that I am...?

Why can't I feel comfortable in my own skin and why can't people let me be without trying to change me? It took me so long to grow this little bit of self-confidence but you had to destroy it with one sentence but I don't blame anyone. The smallest thing can be my trigger and it's just so shitty.

Is this just a relapse or are my monsters here to stay?

[ad]

Last week, McDonald's invited me and a guest down to try out their newest burger - the all new GOLDEN Samurai burger! I picked Wanyi, who shared with me her inspiring inner samurai story.


Samurai values include respect, courage, honesty, compassion, honour and/or loyalty. As for me, my inner samurai story was when I decided to do what none of my peers have ever done - drop my combined science to focus on my remaining five subjects for O Levels. Stupid or not, I believe my courageous inner samurai moment defined my results and brought me to where I am today.


Of course, what's a samurai without his food right? The newly launched Golden Samurai burger has new secret ingredients and it's up to you courageous samurais to try it out!

I'm usually not courageous with my food at all as I'm superrrrrrrr picky but I have to say I loved both the samurai and new samurai burgers! I'm no food expert - I can only tell you what I tasted without the flowery language - the buns were really soft, the meat tender, the sauce was just the right amount and paired with the all time favourite seaweed shaker fries?! What more can I say!


The Golden Samurai burgers are available from now, while stocks last, and the original Samurai burger, seaweed shaker fries and Mocha flavoured McFlurry will also be available during this period.

People always say that as you grow older, you learn who your true friends are. However, I feel like it's the opposite for me. The older I am, the harder it is for me to differentiate who wants to be here for me and who only wants a part of me. What is it about me that allows people to leave so easily?

Every time someone talks to me, I question their intentions. I find it exhausting to be so paranoid but I have to build walls to protect myself. I'm sick of letting people in easily just to get hurt in the end. I hate thinking that someone cares about me or that they're gonna stay in my life permanently only to watch them leave when they're done with me.

I'm tired of all these people in my life.

Help me. I'm so worn out...

I have to admit that things are getting hard. I can't get you out of my mind but I can't go back to the past. Something is absent from my life. Moving about daily feel like chores to me; even breathing feels difficult at times. Why does everything reminds me of you...?

I do nothing but mope around all day. I feel myself destroying what I've built up over so many years. I try to write my but every piece seems inadequate. How can I put the overwhelming feeling we shared into words? There's nothing I can do except torture myself with memories of you.

Tell me, what can I do to forget?

Why did you say something you never meant?

Wrote this awhile back.

-

I didn't want to fall back into the game of love; it's too complicated and it's not for me. At least not yet. But you came along with your stupid jokes and I can't stop laughing when I'm with you. I find myself sounding like a teenage girl again, giggling at everything you said.

You provided me with the care and concern that has been absent in my life for the past few months and I find myself opening up and teasing you more as the days fly by. I felt a jolt of electricity run through my spine when you first held me. I can say no, I can act like I don't care but I can't deny the butterflies in my stomach.

That's when I know I'm screwed again.