April 08, 2014

"Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words will never hurt me."

I wish that's the case for me. I hate how I am easily affected by words, especially if they are from the people I care about. In the past, I used to go MIA when I receive undesirable comments from just anyone because I wasn't strong enough to deal with them. I'd like to think that after many years of putting myself out on the social media, I no longer take shit from people I don't even know. But the truth is far from such.

I guess there are just some days when you feel like you're never good enough, when everything you do seems wrong. Some days you just feel like the world is judging your every action, and you just want to shut down.

A while, someone told me something that made me want to stay away from a couple of social media platforms for a long while. I'll be honest - tears welled up in my eyes. I don't know what happened; it's the first time since forever that I let a stranger's words get the better of me. Even till today, I still can't get over it.

I know it's silly, and words from strangers only know my internet persona and not personally shouldn't even hurt me. But I came to learn what they said about me through someone very close to me. Maybe I wouldn't have minded so much if it was just another comment left by an anonymous on my ask.fm - I've already gotten used to those trolls. However, those hurtful words came from the mouth of someone who holds a special spot in my heart.

What do they know about me? They probably know me as a social media addict but not me personally. They would know what I'm like if they knew me on a personal level. Heck, I put myself out on this platform so much that they would have understood if they tried to find out a bit more. But no, of course not. Of course people wouldn't go through the trouble of knowing me better before they start wagging their tongues. Talk is cheap anyway, so why bother?

My supportive friends questioned repeatedly, "Why did they have to be so mean?" I have no answer to that. No sense of humour? That's fine. Never experienced childhood to understand what was I talking about? So be it.

I can only think the worst of those who are trying to put down a 18-year-old teenager who's still experimenting with life. That's not the point though; I was broken mostly because I couldn't understand why wouldn't someone I truly care about defend me.

In that split second, you shattered all traces of confidence I have so painstakingly built up. Because of what they said, you discredited all I've ever done. You made me feel insecure once again.

Why did you take their side instead of mine? Why weren't you at least encouraging? Why did you make me feel so stupid, so dumb, so helpless? 


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