I will never be able to love my father

January 28, 2015

I hardly talk about such personal matters online but I'm so so so disappointed that I don't even know what to feel or say anymore. I just need an outlet to vent right now.

Not for me, not for my brother.

Anyone can be a father, but not everyone can be a dad and the man I know sure as hell isn't one. The father I came to know is someone who's so selfish, so cowardly, so materialistic.

To you,

Don't tell my aunt that you miss me, my brother or the life we used to have when you're unwilling to do anything to amend your mistakes. I may have only been eight when the divorced got finalised, but I remember every single thing you did to us. You can say that my mom brainwashed us, which was what you've been feeding to us since we were kids, but I know. I saw, I heard, I know. I know the truth.

I remember how heartless you were, even when my aunt knelt down and begged for you to not proceed with the divorce with my mom. I remember how you bribed my brother into telling you what happened during our visit to the lawyer's. I remember you turning your back on my mom just so you could get the kids, NOT because you love us but because you wanted our names to get the house. I remember you faking your pay so that you can give us less alimony. There's so many more things you did that I will not list out just to save you a little face.

Despite all of this and more, I forgave you. When you told my aunt how much you miss the life we had to the extent that you'd drive back to our old house to look back at the memories, I told myself that you're getting old and perhaps it's time I let things go. I told myself that I will not subject myself to this torture and I would let things go if you are willing to change.

In spite of the terrible things you did to us and the things you said about my mom, she never failed to tell me about your excitement when I was born. I remember all the things I mentioned here and for the very same reason, I decided to forgive you. You once loved us, so you can do it again if you want to.

If you want to.

You allowed your worldly possessions to get the better of you once again. I spent nights rushing through assignments so that my weekends will be freed to visit you. My brother cancelled plans with his friends. We could have been doing much more productive things. We treated you like a dad, initiated spending weekends with you, and socialised with your family no matter how much we hate socialising. The sad thing is you didn't see us as your kids. If you did, you wouldn't just burn a bridge like that.

I'm 19 and I've seen a lot more things that you think I have. But never have I seen any father remotely treat his kids the way you treated us. As if we were properties that require monthly maintenance. As if we want nothing but money from you. Why should we treat you like a dad if you don't treat us like your kids?

Even if we want money from you, why don't you ask yourself why do we behave this way? Ask yourself if you honestly think your $500 per month is enough for the both of us? My brother, who is going through puberty, can spend up to $20 a day just on eating. That's already $600 per month. Transport fees? Miscellanies stuff? What about me? Do I survive on air? If you had a heart and you really loved us, would you bear to see us struggle financially?

When you decide to not be a dad to me, I hope you realised how much you damaged me. My mom can work hard, try to be both parents to my brother and me but the fact is that we still needed a fatherly figure in my life. Did you know how happy you made my brother when you taught him how to style his hair? That's something my mom could have never taught him.

Don't tell my mom to ask me to stop dating when all I'm looking for is the love you failed to give me. All my relationships, my partners found me childish and treated me like a kid. Why? I looked to them as protectors - the role you were supposed to take. Of course, nobody can ever replace that role and because you have proven to me yesterday that you're still not willing to take up that role, I will be my own protector. I will be independent. I will show you that I don't need you to survive or do well.

You can say I don't respect you as a father but the truth is respect needs to be earned. You can say whatever you want about my mom, about my brother, about me but I don't care anymore. I'm no longer giving you the power to hurt me. I'm taking that privilege back.

I no longer care and because of that, you can no longer hurt me. Before yesterday, I always told my mom, my aunt and my brother that I can never be as heartless as you. Yes, in spite of all the things I heard about you and how money-minded I know you are, I said that when you're old and fragile one day, I'll still help you out and give you money because you're my dad. That I'll still be there for you when you're sickly. That I still love you. But not anymore.

You can say I'm not filial but I know the truth and my mom knows the truth. I respect and love her more than anything else in the world because she has done so much for me. Can't say the same for you, sadly.

I don't think I can ever see you in the same light again after you chose to leave me in the lurch yesterday. Don't tell me your sob story - I know how much you earn per month, I know you had a choice. And you chose money over me once again. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

I'm sorry but I'll never be able to bring myself to call you daddy.

---

My father can't read but he has family members who can. If any of you ever read this and decide to pass the message to him, please also tell my father that after yesterday, I don't want to hear him telling anyone that he misses us or that we don't have him in our hearts. It grosses me out to know what kind of hypocrite he is. That he can make it sound like we don't see him as a dad when he doesn't bother to try and act like one to us.

I gave him a chance, I tried to mend things. I made conversations with him, my step-mother, my baby sister even though I hate small talks. I gave it a shot but he proved to me that I am worth nothing in his eyes. I wasn't even worthy of a return call. I left him six missed calls in two days. None was returned. When he finally picked up my call, he promised to call back at night. He didn't. But it was nothing, I'm used to his antics anyway.

It was the fact that he gave me false hopes that maybe I could still have a fatherly figure in my life. I cannot even begin to tell you how much it sucks to know that I'm not worth anything to him. Tell him to man up and reject me directly if he thinks that our kinship is not worth that amount. I wasn't asking for much, I just wanted a little to help out with my situation. But it's fine, at least now I see what kind of person he is.

I have lived without his significant presence in my life for the past six years and I can go another 60 years without him. I'm fine without him in my life. So is my brother. Please tell him to don't ever come back in our lives or give us false hopes when he doesn't plan to be a dad to us.

Just stop. It's disgusting.

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2 comments

  1. sorry to hear your story however he is still your father...please cherish the affinity.

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    Replies
    1. thank you for your words, but he has never proven to me that he's capable of being a dad to me. he is a dad to my step-sister, but to me, he's just the person who had a part in making me. if he doesn't cherish his kids, tell me again why should we subject ourselves to this torture and care for him when he obviously doesn't give a shit about us? we are the ones getting hurt in the end.

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