A few years back, I would countdown to my birthday with my friends and even start reminding everyone as far as a month before. There's something about my birthday this year that's different... I hardly reminded anyone at all and I spent my birthday eve (aka new year's day wtf) working on my resume, piecing together my portfolio and job hunting. I didn't even realise how near it was to my birthday until someone asked if I'm excited. It's almost as if I didn't care anymore - and I thought so too - until the clock struck 12.

No texts.

I waited a bit more.

Nothing.

I don't expect a birthday bash or any surprise at my doorstep anymore because these things never happen to me, but boy, I never expected no one to care either. By 2am, I received a total of five texts which I'm immensely grateful for.  What a stark contrast it was to 2011 or even just two years back. I guess it's true that when you grow up, you lose people huh? You realise that you're friends with some people only because you see them five times a week in school.

Then things that I don't use to care about suddenly mattered again. I suddenly remembered the people that I told myself were out of my life for good again. Old wounds opened up again. The ex-friend whom I thought was my closest friend in secondary school left me behind. The one who said he will be there to listen to my sorrows whenever I need him forgot about me. The people I trusted... Where are they?

And perhaps, the person who disappointed me most has to be the guy who once fought to whatsapp me and tweet me happy birthday first doesn't acknowledge my existence anymore. It's disheartening because he will never admit it but it's so glaringly obvious. I never spoke about this publicly nor have I confided in my friends yet but I can feel myself reaching my breaking point real soon. Maybe I'm exaggerating things but he always knew how important it was to me. I never understood his logic but I guess it shouldn't matter anymore because he doesn't care.

This was how I spent the first hour of 20th birthday in tears. I wanted to crawl into bed and hug myself till I feel better but I had work to complete. I even managed to force myself to finish penning this post, redesigning my blog banner, some sidebar icons and the photo above. Is this how growing up feels like? Being responsible even when you feel like shit.

If I were completely honest with myself, by the first ten minutes of my birthday, I already couldn't wait for it to be over. I bawl my eyes out every 2nd January; it has turned into a routine and routines don't just change. I've had lousy birthdays literally every year since 2009. By now I can officially say that I hate birthdays.

People spend so much of their lives trying to figure out what love is. All the books, songs and movies written about love... But nothing else compares to what you personally feel. I like to think of love as some sort of blanket, kind of like a blanket of security. That when you're in it, you feel warmth, comfort and in that moment, nothing else matters.

I like the idea of being in love but honestly, how many of us can maintain that feeling for long? Do you remember your first text confession and how you felt your heart in your throat upon feeling vibration from your phone? And how your world lights up for that little moment when you receive a call from the person you love? So exactly how much time do we have till love becomes an obligation instead of a feeling that makes you high?

I can't say I've seen many relationships that withstood the test of time and even less happily-ever-afters. What disturbs me the most is how love can fade away so gradually that you do not notice till it's too late. I experienced this once and the next time, I did everything I could to keep things going - put in the same amount of efforts I did when we were dating, wrote him monthly letters and little things like that. But it takes two hands to clap; eventually the cracks that I tried to hard to hide still began to show.

Therefore, is the other party at fault or my expectations of love? To be politically correct, I'd say there's no right or wrong when it comes to love. However, realistically speaking, something must have gone haywire for us to lose that intensity of our love, am I right? And mind you, this is no blame game I'm playing - I don't need that right now - I'm just desperate to figure this out.

How many of you spent the first few months of your relationship soaked in sugar coated words and sweet gestures only to have them taken away once you entered the serious stage of your relationship? That's what I'm afraid of. That all things good come to an end. How can you ensure that the person you're dating now will keep doing the things they did to get you in the first place? You simply can't.

I know I'd hate to love someone with every atom and molecule in my body only to find out that our relationship isn't going the way I envisioned when we first started. Yet at the same time, it's so draining for me to walk around with my defenses up all the time merely because I dare not allow myself to love fully. I hate that people change, things change, relationships change and I have no control over these changes.

If only there's a checklist for humans. That we can glance at someone and know what they're looking for, be it friends with benefits, a committed relationship or even just a companion. Or even know their characteristics so that we don't have to spend years getting to know them only to face a heartbreak in the end. Wouldn't that make our lives so much easier?

With almost a month since my last post, this might just be the longest break I've ever taken from blogging. I'll explain why in a bit but stick with me while I reminisce the good times.

It's been more than ten years since that day I stumbled upon blogger through a Yahoo search and started documenting my life. I've had ups and downs, although more ups than downs in the recent years. My readership has grown through the years and even shot up in 2015. It amazes me to no end how many people told me I inspired them. I'm just a small town girl you see in your everyday life - the thought of people being interested in me is still a relatively strange concept till today. I'm deeply humbled.

I still adore this space of mine dearly but that's precisely the reason I've stopped writing. Because people are interested, so I have to stop. I hate knowing that I'm no longer providing my readers with what they were here for from the start - my standard of English has dropped tremendously, so much that I have difficulties stringing sentences smoothly, and turning them into paragraphs of ramblings like I used to do. I feel incredibly stupid reading some of my recent posts - I know they are half-assed, written and posted just to keep this blog alive.

Do I want a blog where posts are quantity over quality? I don't think I can do that to something I so painstakingly built up over the years.

I knew for a long time that my English language has been deteriorating and I always told myself it's not my fault I'm too busy to do something about it but I realised it's all excuses. The problem with my generation is that we are all so addicted to our smartphones. If I have the time to refill my food on Neko Atsume (my newest addiction!!!), I can use the time to read a few pages from a book. It doesn't even have to be a novel. Just any book.

With that thought in mind, I picked up reading again, beginning with the few books I have at home that I bought when I was younger. Now I bring a book wherever I go, forcing myself to read even if I feel sleepy in the morning. Barely a week later, I can already feel my language improving. Before, I couldn't even write a short post of three paragraphs without taking a few days and words could no longer flow out as freely as they used to. But today, I finished writing this post in 30 minutes and I could just feel the words rushing out of my fingers as I typed furiously away.

Still, I don't want to commit to writing on here until I'm satisfied with my language skills again. I don't want to just churn out posts after posts that I don't feel passionate about. It's rubbish and I don't want my blog to turn into crap. It's okay if my language isn't stupendous and my vocabulary doesn't have to be remarkable either - I just need to to be proud of whatever content I put up here.

So this is a break I'll take for an indefinite amount of time. Who knows how long will it be till my English becomes as good as it was before. And hopefully, even better. I'm aware that by doing this I may lose readers, but at the end of the day, I think this is for the best in the long run. I will miss writing here but I keep reminding myself, quality over quantity.

I'll see you again by my 20th birthday. :-)

Meanwhile, you can still find me on instagram, twitter and dayre.

xxx

Sure, I love being paid to do what I did for free in school and the fact that I'm being paid to do what I enjoy doing is great but more specifically, I love talking to the stewardesses and stewards from my internship place because they always have such interesting travel stories to share! (｡◕‿◕｡) Since I don't have the financial capabilities to travel yet, just listen to the stories also not bad right hahahhaha.

They get to travel so often around the world and their lives sounded so exciting that for a moment, I was tempted to join them as well! Plus, they get to do authentic designer shopping from locations like US and Europe and things are definitely a lot cheaper there. *shiny eyes* Everyone knows my weakness is Marc Jacobs!!! Doesn't hurt that their paychecks allow them to shop at designer stores without feeling the pinch.

Also because everyone there kept asking me if I'm planning to fly after I'm done with my internship and I'm very easily influenced wtf. But I remembered that I don't hit the height requirement for any airlines so my dreams are shattered before they even begin fml hahahhahahaha.

I'm beginning to sound like a bimbo but the truth is, even if I'm tall enough, I'm not sure if I can handle the responsibilities that come with flying. I think I'll just work hard and pay for my own travels hahahahhaha.

I disconnect myself from reality, I told myself to stop expecting. When you're nice to me, I keep reminding myself that you are not the same person I fell in love with. I always told myself to not have any expectations anymore because I know you cannot fulfill them. Sometimes I put on an act so well that I fool even myself. Hmmm, maybe I really don't care anymore...

Yet, at the end of the day?

It still hurts because I still love you. I don't know how can I stop and it's tearing me apart. I cannot talk about it to anyone, I cannot understand you, I don't know what I want. One sentence from you is enough to bring me up to heaven or drag me down to hell. My heart still skips a beat when you flirt with me, I still feel butterflies in my stomach when you kiss me.

But none of these change the fact that you're the different person from who you were two years back. If you're different, then who and what am I in love with? The tiny cells that make up who you are? Or am I blinded by who you were? Am I waiting for a miracle to happen so that you could be the same again? How long can I hold on to this hope till it gets too tiring?

Why won't you talk to me?

I feel disgusted. A few months ago, I thought I have finally recovered from this illness that has haunted me since I was 13 but as I started putting on weight, it happened again. I can't stop weighing myself, I can't put down that measuring tape. I spend my free time looking at myself in the mirror and criticizing every flaw I could find.

I have no one to turn to anymore because I don't know how to tell people that it doesn't work and I've lost hope. I can't even bring myself to write about it because I feel like such a failure. All the time I wasted seeing my counselor didn't help at all.

Perhaps what scares me the most is the fact that no one might ever understand... Or even try. I hate being brushed aside, I hate it when people tell me I just need to change my mindset. Mental disorders are such a bitch; you keep telling yourself that it's all in your mind but it starts affecting you physically and when it consumes you in every part of your life, you're forced to admit that it's no longer just in your head.

How is it not affecting my life when I get panic attacks even while taking public transport? The anxiety sets in even when I think about getting on a crowded bus. People keep telling me to see a therapist and I'll get better but how can I afford long-term therapy?

Every weekday I get up and go to work. It's almost like I'm on my autopilot mode. But I can't escape forever. Autopilot on, I feel nothing. Autopilot off, terror sets in. I hate that even mundane things like walking home frightens me and I have to constantly look behind me or even run to my void deck to feel safe.

Why can't I just eat without worrying about the oil in my food? Nobody else feels grossed out eating the same food, so why do I face this problem? And I don't get why can't I just go exercise instead of freaking out about my weight gain. I don't even understand myself, how do I expect anyone to understand this disaster that I am...?

Why can't I feel comfortable in my own skin and why can't people let me be without trying to change me? It took me so long to grow this little bit of self-confidence but you had to destroy it with one sentence but I don't blame anyone. The smallest thing can be my trigger and it's just so shitty.

Is this just a relapse or are my monsters here to stay?

[ad]

Last week, McDonald's invited me and a guest down to try out their newest burger - the all new GOLDEN Samurai burger! I picked Wanyi, who shared with me her inspiring inner samurai story.


Samurai values include respect, courage, honesty, compassion, honour and/or loyalty. As for me, my inner samurai story was when I decided to do what none of my peers have ever done - drop my combined science to focus on my remaining five subjects for O Levels. Stupid or not, I believe my courageous inner samurai moment defined my results and brought me to where I am today.


Of course, what's a samurai without his food right? The newly launched Golden Samurai burger has new secret ingredients and it's up to you courageous samurais to try it out!

I'm usually not courageous with my food at all as I'm superrrrrrrr picky but I have to say I loved both the samurai and new samurai burgers! I'm no food expert - I can only tell you what I tasted without the flowery language - the buns were really soft, the meat tender, the sauce was just the right amount and paired with the all time favourite seaweed shaker fries?! What more can I say!


The Golden Samurai burgers are available from now, while stocks last, and the original Samurai burger, seaweed shaker fries and Mocha flavoured McFlurry will also be available during this period.