I'm talking writing this on a public platform even though I only talked to a couple of close friends about this because writing has a really therapeutic effect on me. If you are likely to find this post offensive then please kindly maneuver your mouse to the 'x' button.

I'd like to say that after about a year, I have finally moved on from my last relationship. Unfortunately, the truth is far from such. No, I do not long for him to come back or have feelings for him anymore; it's just that I am still recovering from it.

I think it's rather safe to say that every broken girl is a result of a bad relationship. I've been damaged and I have lots of blemishes left on me emotionally. They have such big impact on me that even I notice the difference. I can't seem to make peace with the monsters inside of me. How do I shake off these behaviours that built up over a couple of years?

There are many questions that bombard my mind each day. Would I find the need to go through my boyfriend's phone if it wasn't for the fact that I once found undesirable texts in my ex's phone? Would I be trying to attract my boyfriend's attention every minute if I wasn't denied attention in my previous relationships? Would I be as clingy as I am to my boyfriend if my ex didn't lie to me about his whereabouts countless times?

Before I got together with my ex, I was confident, very bubbly and outgoing. He was, however, the opposite of me. So would I be this shy around strangers if it wasn't for his friends who constantly put me down whenever I try to break the ice and get to know them better? Would I be socially awkward if his personality did not rub off me?

Another thing is that the guys I was previously with, for some reasons, had a habit adding girls on Facebook then leaving inappropriate comments. One of my ex(es) praised every girl on his friend list, except me. I was young and ignorant back then, and I fell for the challenge. I started comparing myself to every girl out there because I never felt good enough. At least, not good enough for him to praise me. Eventually, I lost myself; I lose my sense of style and my enthusiastic self.

But now I realise it's silly because he was the problem, not my looks or body. A long while after the break up, though, I am still scarred. In my opinion, most of the leftover distrust or insecurities girls have are because of their previously failed relationships.

You see, if a girl's first boyfriend treated her absolutely like a princess, she would expect the same level of appreciation from the rest of her later partners. On the other hand, if she was abused emotionally, she's going to walk out of the relationship feeling like dirt. It's difficult to not carry the effects to her other relationships, and it's even harder to shake off the influence of someone once so important to her.

Negative behaviours create the most lasting impacts. After my break up, I couldn't sort my thoughts out and I found it hard to pick myself up, especially when I was already in a mess as a result of that relationship.

With the help of my friends and my current boyfriend, I slowly learned self-acceptance; I knew that I don't want to be a product of a toxic relationship. I concluded that I didn't need someone to define what I'm worth. I accept those awful experiences, but I refused to allow my personality to be confined by someone else's harmful actions.

I found who I was again. 

The girl you see today is only a shadow of who I once used to be. I dream of one day when I fully recover from that problematic relationship; one day when I bounce back to being my jubilant and hopeful self again. I am so glad that my boyfriend has been nothing but encouraging and he reminds me so much of who I used to be. I will work towards it and I know that day will come soon enough.