hello i am back. haha, i knew i couldn't stay away for long.

i was so stressed out by my life the past week with too many things happening all at once. it's like the drama never ends and i was so frustrated because i had no outlets to vent that i kind of snapped, got myself shit drunk and made tons of people worry about me. i think i was more miserable away from my blog than i was putting myself online what the heck hahaha.

still, i thought the break was necessary. i discovered a little more about myself during this time and also learnt to control how much of my life should i put online. i also found a few drafts in my old blog that i'll be posting here over the past few days. some poetries, some half-written posts that i lost inspiration for, some posts written about the exes or the guys i dated that i thought weren't good enough to be published. but since i'm starting anew, i guess i could post some of them here.

i'm still deciding which direction this blog will go. i kind of like the state my blog is in right now - clean and new, and i can write in whatever way i want because there's no prior expectations. my posts don't need to be of a "certain standard" before i hit publish. no stress whatsoever, i love it.

at the same time, i had quite a few useful posts on my previous blog (which is now locked up) ranging from movie reviews to study tips to jpsae interview guide so i really don't know if i should reopen that blog again. i guess it's a psychological factor - i definitely can treat my old blog like this blog too and just let my thoughts flow; it's my own expectations that jams up the process.
i'm back but i still need more time to figure things out but as the saying goes, sedikit-sedikit lama-lama menjadi bukit. i'm stepping back into social media, slowly but surely.

hello, it's good to be back. :)

the pain consumes you like a monster, overwhelming you, causing you to suffocate and somehow, you relish the pain because that's all you ever know of.

you feel a tight feeling in your chest, something that tells you your heart is still beating and you're still alive. you should be thankful that you're alive but you just want to be dead, for maybe a day. what's that called? oh yes, sleep.

you try to sleep but whenever you shut your eyes, you remember the pain - the pain beating in your chest and that overused, cliche quote about how pain demands to be felt suddenly makes so much sense to you.

time is no longer on your side, you don't know what to feel. sure crying doesn't solve anything but you may feel better after crying it out. the only problem? you're so sick and tired the tears don't even flow anymore.

so you worked. you worked so hard to forget everything. sometimes only leaving the office at 10pm. everyone around you tells you to find work life balance but you just want to bury yourself and forget everything else.

you drank, and you drank a lot. you know your limits yet you went beyond, you tried drowning yourself in liquor, not because it solves anything but because you're better off not remembering anything. you get so drunk you don't remember how you got home that night.

the aroma of whiskey follows you as you climb on your bed and when you lie there, that's when it begins again. first the emptiness then waves of... you don't even know what it is. waves of a mixture of different feelings just keep hitting you.

you can't forget that sick feeling at the bottom of your stomach that slowly sneaks up on you when you're caught unaware. that feeling that causes you to lose your breath.

come on, how can you forget how to breathe when you've been doing this for more than two decades???

ha, you're such an idiot, you don't deserve to breathe. go to hell.

原本超 happy-go-lucky 的我，今日不知为何就是开心不起，笑不出，精神有点小示弱。真是好烦好烦哦。一整天总是不怎么想跟任何人沟通，只想一个人静一静，等自己哭过了，眼泪也流干了，也许情绪就会好转些。世界那么大，人也那么多，为什么我却偏偏在最后一秒钟遇见你，还渐渐的爱上你…？现在我一个人，乱得不得了，眼泪停不了。累了，太累了……


还是为自己加油吧！明天一定会更好～～～ 😎

Do you remember the first time a good friend sold you out? I do. I was 11 and I remember feeling pain from the betrayal. I couldn't believe that someone I loved and cared so much about would do something like that to me. Slowly, as I grew older, I realised that this is life.

Sometimes people just screw you over for the fun of it, for their sick, twisted pleasure. No explanation needed. With that in mind, my circle of friends became smaller and I trusted less people. It was only beneficial to build walls around me and remove all toxic friends immediately.

To you:

You should have realised by now - missed calls, unreturned texts, unanswered tweets. They didn't happen for no reason, I didn't just ignore your attempt to reach out by accident.

I'm going to be honest – I’ve dated many guys and made mistakes. A lot of mistakes. I’ve been cheated on and I’ve been a cheater but I never thought I would be in this position. When I found out, it wasn’t as earth shattering as I imagined it would be. Perhaps I already saw the warning signs; a girl’s constant texts and calls when I’m with him, the way he tensed up when I asked him about his plans later in the day, how he suddenly goes missing during the weekends. Or maybe it didn’t hurt because I always knew we don’t stand a future together anyway, with or without her.

Still, I was at a loss when I found out.

It wasn’t something I expected. He never talked about her, not in front of me anyway. Or maybe he shared a couple of stories about her but it was always “I once dated this girl.” He never mentioned she was anything serious. I guess neither was I. This naive girl, who stupidly believed in his words, was just one of his many conquests.

I couldn’t fathom out the reason he would do this. Why was he so protective of me when I'm not his and he knew very well that we didn’t have potential? He knew from the start nothing would come out of it, he knew he was cheating, he knew he was leading me on. But he continued doing everything – all those little things. And he's still acting jealous, being overly protective even till today.

He spammed my phone with calls, he apologised, he said he cares about me. But you don't intentionally hurt the people you care about for your own selfish desires, do you? I don’t understand how can someone hold my hand in his car, play with my fingers, kiss me at every traffic light, turn around to look at me when I talk and laugh, hug me so tight when I'm leaving before driving off to meet his girlfriend? How can he bear to do this to her if he loves her? Or so he claims...

If every relationship turns out like this, I don't want to fall in love again. I wouldn't dare to. I find it utterly disgusting how someone can say something to me then turn around and say the same thing to another person. How he can sit in his car talking to me for hours, laughing about everything under the sun and kissing me when she's texting him, calling him, looking for him?

How can he do this to someone he “loves”?

This year has been a year of turbulence and change. I anticipated this long ago with the prep talks given by my colleagues who have been there, done that but still, I'm currently overwhelmed by life and the amount of major decisions I have to make barely two months into 2016. If this is something that everyone experiences in their twenties, when will it finally be over for me?

Being twenty is neither here nor there; I'm no longer a teenager but I'm also not an adult yet. Somehow, I think this is the prime time for me to make mistakes and learn from them. I can only live this life once and I don't want it to be a shielded life and thus, losing my chance to break free and gain experiences on my own.

I've always been so afraid of everything, especially change. I think it's time I come out of my shell and start exploring on my own. I'm only live once; if not now then when? One day, I'll find the right person who gives me stability and security, we'll settle down and I'll enjoy the serenity.

But not now.

For now, I love being rash and not having a care in the world. I live for myself, for today, for the moments that might never happen again. I know what people are going to judge my decision no matter what and the challenges might be too much for me to handle eventually; the odds are stacked against this, but I'm still going ahead with it. I'm going to be reckless with my heart. After all, I'm only young once and I only can be wild once.

There's no denying it, it's still going to hurt when my heart breaks. But I learnt through regrets that what hurts the most – even more than heartbreaks – is not taking the chances when they were right there in front of me. Taking that chance, that unconventional path, might just prove to be better than not knowing a definite answer for the rest of my life and having that what if feeling tugging on my sleeves.

“In the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take.”

I'm trying to live by this. I don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering anymore. If only I was brave enough to go against the odds, if only I cared less about what others think. If only if only if only. I'm so sick of these thoughts. This is my life; even if I make mistakes, I want to be responsible for them. I want to learn through my own mistakes, not live a politically correct life sheltered by everyone's mistakes.

Despite having my heart broken a thousand times, I'm still going to love fearlessly with all the remaining pieces. Although it may not lead us to anywhere, I still believe in this love. I still want to love like a fool while my heart still can afford to. I want to keep loving, keep caring, keep trying.

And I'm going to do that, even this one ends in a heartbreak.