Promise me that
you will not leave
as soon as things
get tough or difficult.
Don't just leave if
I make a mistake.
I can't stand to
see another walk
away like he did.

I hate father's day. Every father's day I see girls (mostly) posting about their fathers, showing how much of a daddy's girl they are to their father. I hate that. I feel like they are mocking me, taunting me, because I've never experienced the same amount of love from my father, and that I probably never would in the future.

To be honest, I feel a tinge of jealousy whenever I watch my father and step-sister interact with each other. Don't get me wrong; my step-sister is extremely adorable and I love her to bits but I'm just scared that I will be replaced in my father's heart just because we are no longer as close as we were. I'm afraid that one day, when my father is old, he won't even remember me anymore. I wish that I can spend more time with him, but it's always awkward hanging out with him. It has came to a point whereby my brother and I only call him when we need something and I think it's really pathetic. My father thinks that we are only after his money and we dread calling him because we don't know what to say since we know that he feels this way.

I always thought I was the only one who misses my father but the other day, I heard my brother listening to a sad song about divorce and I realised that I'm not the only who feels this way. I am very well aware that my parents are better off this way but it somehow still sucks to know that I will never have a perfect family.  

My brother and I stopped visiting my father when I was going through a rebellious age and I can honestly say that ALL I ever wanted at that point was to have a normal functioning family like my peers. I tried everything I could to achieve that. I moved in with my father, but that didn't work. And when I moved back with my mother, I decided that I don't want to visit my father every weekend anymore because I just want every weekend to be a normal family day for us. It was a huge mistake. This mistake caused my brother and I to further drift apart from our father.

My father is a man of few words - he will not show how much he actually cares and being his daughter, I inherited his genes. That is the main reason I blog - because, as stupid as it may sound, I find it so much easier to tell a non-living thing how I feel. I wish there is a way I can tell him that I care about him, and that I love him but no, that is near impossible...

Before my parents' divorce, while we were still living in Clementi, my father and I were really close. Though I was really young back then, I remember all the things he has done for me. From bringing me down for a midnight stroll when I couldn't sleep, to holding my hands as I go down the slide at the playground so that I wouldn't fall, to buying me every toy I want despite us being poor, to comforting me when I'm crying, to catering to my every whim and fancy.

Sure, he had a bad temper and my family wasn't well-to-do, but he was a perfect dad, at least to me. I'm not sure when did things start to change. Was it because I grew up and realised how cruel reality is? Did things turn sour because we weren't rich? Or did things take a turn during my parents' divorce? Was it because we grew apart? Does everyone grow apart eventually? I'll never find the answers to my questions but I guess it isn't important anyway.

I hope that when I get married, my husband will be a good father to my future kid(s) and that they will never have to go through what I went through because being in a broken family just doesn't feel right. Yes, my mom dotes on me a lot and I am extremely pampered by everyone in my family, but there is still a void in my heart. And this void can only be filled up by the love of a father.

Last month, I randomly decided to dye my hair blue after my green hair has faded. I'm not really excited to blog about it as it turned out a lot darker than expected and I didn't really like it a lot since it kinda looked like black indoors.







I didn't bother to take too many photos of it either since it was just a temporary colour before I bleach my hair blonde. The dye I used was Neon Blue from La Riché Directions, which is the same brand of hair dye I used to dye my hair green. I would say that blue is a more lasting colour than green because it didn't fade as much even after two weeks.

The colours did come out kind of uneven after a few washes though, but I guess I can blame it on my amateur dyeing skills. But if you're thinking of dyeing your hair a lighter colour in the next few months, please don't dye a colour like dark blue because it is really hard to bleach it off!

I'm sorry that I haven't been updating lately. I've been feeling moody recently. I can't explain what's happening in my life either but I just really don't feel like talking to anyone. I've somewhat forgotten how to put my feelings into words but writing has always been a way for me to vent my frustrations so here goes...

This is a rather personal post and I WILL take offence if you choose to leave nasty comments on my ask.fm; if you don't have anything nice to say, please don't say anything at all. For those who follow me on twitter (if you haven't, then do so now ಠ_ಠ), you should know that I recently developed feelings for another guy in my life. I do like him a whole lot but I'm not so sure if it's love yet... Besides, I'm keeping my guards up because I'm afraid of getting hurt again. I spent nights in denial because I'm afraid of falling in love again. I still believe in love but I no longer believe that relationships this age can last long.

But what I can't deny is that he makes me really happy; even my mom notices the change in my mood whenever we talk on the phone / go out together. And to be brutally honest, I never felt like this, even in my last relationship. We say all sorts of things to each other, mostly to annoy and insult each other, and it has been this way since the start of our friendship. It's the dumbest things we say sometimes that make each other laugh. We make each other laugh a lot and as corny as this may sound, his laugh is the best sound I have ever heard.

I actually realised my feelings for him a little before he enlisted for NS. We were good friends throughout and we got along really well but after his enlistment a few weeks ago, we started becoming closer. I am still unsure of his feelings towards me, which is why I've been avoiding some ask.fm questions :X I really have no idea how can I explain this situation either - I don't think we're just friends because of the things we do/say (not gonna elaborate because it's kinda too personal) and I guess we are more than friends now but I can't say so for sure. I don't wanna hold my hopes up too high when nothing's confirmed.

Well, over the years, I started to self-censor as more people read my blog and I don't know how long will this post stay up on my blog actually. Who knows, this entry might just be deleted by tomorrow. Or it might just stay up here forever.