“If you can wish for anything, what would you want?"

For the longest time, my answer to this question had been simple yet completely impossible.

With no hesitation, my heart would shout, "I want my best friend back."

I wonder what you'll think if you hear this. Would you think I'm pathetic and stupid for clinging so tightly onto our past friendship? I guess I am. Kinda. But doesn't that prove how much you meant to me? I keep saying this, but it's true. I never realized how I loved myself and the world when I was with you. The girl in the mirror had a brighter smile, a goofy grin, and a loud, echoing laugh. She was happy, and I can see it in her skin and eyes. Even though I am content with my current life, I can't beat back the sudden waves of nostalgia and hidden sadness.

Is that what life is about? All these people who come in and out of your life. Some you want to keep forever but can't for so many complicated reasons. All these people you adore and cherish slipping away from you. You have to learn to move on? You have to learn to live without them? How are you supposed to do that? How are you supposed to reduce someone who meant the world to you into some bland memory that you'll recall when you have nothing better to do? I don't want that to happen. Even though it hurts and I cry when I think of you, I don't want to destroy the powerful emotions associated with you to disappear. I don't want you to completely walk out of my life. Even if we are far apart from another, emotionally and physically, I want to hold onto our memories together. Maybe as a selfish proof that we once existed.

I fell in love with my best friend. That's the best thing that has ever happened to me.



We met all the way back when we were both in the same class in secondary one. I really cannot remember how did we started talking. He said it was because we were in the same group for some group work but I don't remember anything like that at all. But I remember we got along pretty well and I often confided in him.

Moving on my secondary two, we were still in the same class but we talked lesser as he had a girlfriend and I had a boyfriend at that time. We would still text each other occasionally, but no longer on a daily basis. At the ending of secondary two, we became really close again, all the way into our secondary three year, where we became together. We were more than best friends but less than a couple for like a month plus or so, I didn't blog about how we got together because our relationship/friendship was really rocky back then and I only wanted to blog if something comes out of it but I got lazy like always :S.

It was the third day of the Lunar New Year and a day before his birthday. We planned to go kite flying together, with a few of our mutual friends. I don't recall much of what happened that day except that we spent lots of time together. I remember us laying on the mat, watching the clouds and talking about anything under the sun. I miss that so much.

Anyway, at night, he gave me money and told me to cab back home as he was worried about me. It was a small, but sweet gesture. After we went separate ways, he went home and I went off with my best friends back then, he texted me and asked if I liked him or not. I kept putting him off because I didn't want to jeopardize that friendship that we had but he persisted and finally, at 12midnight on his birthday, I confessed that I liked him as well. So, he asked me to be his girlfriend and I agreed. This is the part where it gets really complicated.

I guess I was really hurt and scarred from my previous relationship. Up to that point, I still believed that nobody would truly love me because of my bitchfits. I wasn't confident at all that this would work out, and again, the risk of losing our friendship in the process was just too big and I know deep down that I would never ever want to lose him.

That night of his birthday, we agreed on just being best friends. So this is the part where we became more than best friends but less than a couple. During school hours, in between classes, we would always meet outside the toilet to exchange letters. Subsequently, our first hug and first kiss took place there as well.

Somewhere around mid-March, we went out together, just the both of us, for the first time and it was also during that weekend that he listed me as his wife on Facebook. Sidetrack a bit: He actually listed me as his wife instead of his girlfriend because we have this small soft toy keychain that we shared (it was actually his but he gave it to me during secondary two because I shamelessly begged for it).

He was the daddy and I was the mommy and we actually created a Facebook account for her! Back to the story. Because Facebook had this place where we could fill in our anniversary. I asked him what date should I put, and he said anything so I just left it as 14 Febuary 2011 since I like the number 14, hahaha! From then on, we celebrated all our monthsary on the 14th. And yes, it means that we've just passed the 1st year mark this Valentine's Day!



Meeting someone like ZhengLei was a miracle. He was always there for me to confide in. Sometimes I feel as though he's my guardian angel. I'm not even peeved as I normally would be cause I typed something as cliched as that. Now that's something. Another cliche thing I'm about to mention is that he teaches me how to let go, to be patient, to be humble, to have faith, and mostly, to love myself. This part's in present tense, because he never stops trying. I never thought I'd find anyone like that, in my life, ever. Now I feel truly blessed.

At least one part of my life's so much more bearable. It's always great to feel like you're not alone anymore.

A few days ago, I updated my Facebook profile to the new timeline which enables me to go through all statuses I ever posted and all posts that my friends left on my wall. So naturally, curiosity got the better of me as I began scrolling through the archives instead of revising for my upcoming test.

I chanced upon this post that a hi-bye friend left on my wall. I remember clearly it was during the time when everyone was doing the "Like this status and I'll......" Her status was, "Like this status and I'll tell you what I admire most about you." I liked that status and she posted on my wall (not her exact words but it's somewhere along the line), "I admire how you're strong and treat haters like they're just bees, buzzing around and never take real notice of them."

It made me think. Am I still that strong girl that I was two years ago? If not, what changed me? What has changed? I realized it's just a matter of my perspective. I'm really thankful for so so many valuable opportunities happening right now. I've missed out so much in the past. Now's the time to get right back on track. Now.