It's April, the month I have been anticipating since I impulsively bought my tickets to Europe in December last year. From then till now, my life has almost made a 180 degrees turn. It wasn't a new year resolution but for the whole of 2018, I've been subconsciously making a difference in my life. I picked up reading again, and forced myself to finish at least one book every month no matter how busy — excuses — I am. I'm on my eighth one now and it's only the start of April!
I went back to running, a sport I gave up together with the rest of my active lifestyle when disorders hit me. It's nice to feel the breeze against my face again, and the sound of seas crashing against the shores shoots a sense of calm into my veins. On better days, I forget why I even let my own thoughts take over my life.
Most of all, I let an important friend I was afraid to lose go. I might never have had the courage to do so if it wasn't for a series of coincidences that made me realised no matter how far apart we are, we will always own a part of each other. I think that realisation made it easier to accept things as they are and move on. C'est la vie, am I right? Verbalising my thoughts seems to signify that everything has been set in stone. 有些人，只能留在心里，不能收在身旁。
Then comes the perfunctory, "How have you been?"
This week, I've been productive. Prepared some presentation slides, got most of my credit card issues ironed out, took photos for some advertisements, finished an essay for school. But as a whole? I can hardly find a simple answer to that. I find myself wavering between the truth and a simple, dismissive, "I'm good, what about you?" Lately, I've been leaning towards the latter. How do I summarise the uneasy, sometimes even distressing, situations I landed myself in?
"You stop growing once you become comfortable," my lecturers used to drill in our minds. I believe that. But it's contradicting, because I'm also okay with not giving myself unnecessary stress. I try and try to remind myself, especially at twelve midnight, when cries get the loudest, that we all operate on our own timelines. That I'm really okay. That as long as I'm a better person than I was two years ago, I'm doing well. I'm still far from who I aspire to be, but that's fine. I have a whole life ahead of me to work towards that, right...?
One day, I'm going to be dead forever, but I only have from now till then to be alive. To feel alive. I need to keep reminding myself that.
