With every break up, you learn. Or at least, that has been my mantra for the past months — as if repeating those words would ease the pain. This is the first time I'm admitting to the break up online, and it may very well be the last.

A huge part of our relationship was offline because of the private person that he is, so if you're here for tittle-tattles, the exit is right that way. I'm not about to reveal anything that intrudes his privacy just because things ended between us. Call it narcissistic (I'm pretty sure owning a blog to talk solely about myself is already narcissistic behaviour anyway), but I want this to be about me, and my road to healing. 

***

I detest the timeline society slaps on me. Was I expected to be moping around all day? Can I not embrace life yet? There's a societal expectation that my previous relationship lasted X amount of years, so it should take me X amount of time to let go. Any longer, I've been hung up for too long. Any shorter, I mustn't have been serious.

If love is not 1+1=2 then why is letting go simplified to an equation?

Contrary to popular portrayals by Hollywood movies, us falling apart didn't happen overnight. Hardly any relationship comes to pieces with such great speed. We were prepared for it, and we have been for an extended period of time. At the end of the day, wariness breeds weariness. It's not something you can live with for long, and certainly not something you want to live with for the rest of your life. They say the eyes are windows to the soul; by the time I finally accepted our fate, my eyes already lost their sparks.

Recalling the nights I almost lost my sanity... Nobody can say we didn't try. We wanted, more than anyone and anything else, for things to work. But sometimes love isn't enough. It took me long enough to accept that when fate is a cruel game played by the most sadistic hands, love — no matter how deep or true — will never be enough. Two good people can be bad for each other, and there's nothing wrong with that. C'est la vie.

If you weren't there when the fatigue overtook my body, then who are you to impose a timeline on me? Picking myself up after the fall was laborious enough. I just want to be allowed to heal at my own pace, thank you very much.




曾经最美的风景 你微笑的侧脸
朋友笑我遮了眼 爱上就很疯癫
女人啊 总这样 傻傻爱 忘记了考验
找寻又找寻 像抓不住的烟

偶尔还是 梦到你 我该再收敛
虽然痛 把你藏 心里面

每次走过那间店 总习惯望里面
你碰倒我的咖啡 是相遇的瞬间
爱来了 爱走了 没排练 我牢记每天
要多少眼泪 才能写成一篇

其实常常 提起你 还是会想念
倔强的 我们都 难改变

放开的手 难再牵
没有什么 好亏欠
经历的 每件事 都会是恩典
忘记你的脸 要花好多年
But I know I will let you go somehow

我只想 大步走向前
让阳光 晒到发亮 烦恼放一边
放下你放过自己 夜里 不准有眼泪不准失眠
说好要过的鲜艳

我只想 大步走向前
很不舍 都要能够 笑着说再见
不再依靠谁的肩 终于长大了 终于我勇敢了
没有你一样很好 goodbye my love
再见 my love

Girl Missing — Tess Gerritsen

The hardest truth I'll eventually learn to accept: fate is a cruel game played by brave souls.

Some say fate plays with time. Right person, wrong time. I say no wrong time. When The One comes along, you freaking make the timing right for him because you're so damn afraid of counting what could have been. Some say fate plays with people. Right time, wrong person. I say love should be heartwarming and terrifying at the same time — if you're not feeling confusion from love, you're already wasting your time on the wrong person.

Fate is, fundamentally, a puzzle. A jigsaw puzzle, to be exact. Once a person comes along with the right piece, nothing — no one else — compares. He fell right in place effortlessly. Everyone struggled; much as they tried to squeeze and fit into my jigsaw puzzle, nobody even came close to 1% of him. And that's how I thought I won the grand lottery in life. The biggest prize. I thought I won the game of love.

I failed to remember that in every game, there are winners. But winners cease to exist if losers don't. In my case, fate will forever be the winner and me, the loser.

(Written 2017)

My smile frozed when they mentioned your name. An awkward silence ensued.

They looked over, and they knew.

“How... How is he doing?” I fumbled with my words, knowing I no longer have the right to learn anything about you. I was reluctant to ask because I didn’t want to hear that you're doing better without me. But I hoped you’re doing good because I still care for you, even from afar.

Even if — when — I have long faded from your memory, I remember that loving man you used to be. Although the rhythm of my favourite soundtrack, you laughter, seem distant now, I have grown used to that charming smile I fell in love with.

Hanging out with your friends was like reopening a wound that's not yet fully healed.

Before I Go to Sleep — S. J. Watson

(Written 2017)

I came to realise that love is a word prominent singers, celebrated writers and, perhaps, even the wealthiest person struggle to define. When my freshly-single friends asked what love is, I often shrugged (or even scoffed at the idea of love, pardon my scepticism) before replying, “How am I supposed to know?”

Now I know. Last year, I met someone who defined love for me.

“What do you look for in a guy?” he interrupted my habitual but half-hearted whines of singlehood.

I scoffed at that question. Too easy. I always imagined myself loving a guy with great hair, good looks, an amazing personality, someone who holds a proper job... The list could go on. And I answered as such. I wanted someone who fits in at least 80% of what I’m looking for.

“That’s not love,” he prompty dismissed my list. “That’s fulfilling your wants.”

He proceeded to a personal story and, whether true or not, it stuck with me.

Love is being there in times of need. Love is not what he can do for me but what I can do for my partner, because love is selfless. Love is caring for someone unconditionally. Love is staying and working things out no matter how difficult the situation gets, because love is always worth it.

Time flies. 14 February 2018 marked my third single Valentine's Day. Declaring that you're single on this day of love always has negative connotations attached. Single awareness day, my friends called it.

Only bitter spinsters spend Valentine's Day alone, my mom proclaimed. She's one of those traditional aunties who believe women must get married and give birth by a certain age or they'll be considered monsters. Yup, no pressure at all.

Surprisingly, the loneliness that's often associated with singlehood hasn't seeped in for me. For someone who, for seven years, lived in the shadow of another, my independence is still refreshing, even after three Valentine's Day. Being single is actually liberating.

I'm not obligated to reply messages when I'm too busy. I don't revolve my week or life around someone. I wake up and sleep as and when I like, the same with buying plane tickets. I go when I want to because I don't have to answer to anyone.

Everyday, I'm discovering new things about myself. And I'm glad I stuck by my decision to love myself before seeking love from someone else.

No one can love you more than you. Always remember that.

With him, everything is a test, affection is measured, that given weighed against that which has been received, and the balance, more often than not, disappointing him.

He leans across to look at me. I think how attractive he is, that if he had been less damaged, I might have been in real trouble.

“Will I see you again?” he says.

“No,” I reply. “No. It’s over.”

— Adapted from Before I Go to Sleep, S.J. Watson


The image of us in bed crept into the back of my mind as I read that passage. Interestingly, different as we were, 同床不同梦 never applied to us because we were both after the same thing. It was a pure oversight on God's part for bringing two self-seeking souls together.

The clouds parted to reveal an orange yolk. The chirping birds witnessed your fingers intertwining with mine for the first time as we crumbled into each other’s arms. You firmly clasped my hands in yours and, with an occasional soft squeeze, silently reminded me that you were there.

For someone who never liked opening up, talking to you was, surprisingly, a cathartic release. Is it cliche of me to say I’m glad we met only after I was stripped of my innocence and credulousness? It would have caused a catastrophe — possibly one that you silently sought — otherwise.

An absurd thought crept into my mind as we watched the sun painted the buildings a dirty yellow — the second time that fortnight. Despite it being excruciatingly obvious we were never meant for the aisle, I wondered, for a fleeting moment, could I live with this forever?

After all, they say the brain is like a muscle that you need to keep active. You picked my brains, you gave me challenges, your mind worked quickly to compete against mine. And I liked being around you because it comforted me to know that someone is as messed up as I am, perhaps even more.

“Leave.”
“I can't. Not yet. She’ll never really let me go. She likes the game too much.”
“Then stop playing it.”

 I can't. I'm getting so much better at it.  

— Gone Girl, Gillian Flynn

A few quotes from the newest Netflix release, The End of the F***ing World, reminded me of you. Us. The aberrant yet remarkable feeling we shared that left me curious and cautious, all at the same time. Like Alyssa and James, who each had their own reasons for their actions — perhaps selfish, but definitely genuine. Maybe some would even see them as cries for help.

Episode 1

Alyssa: I get these moments when I have to lie down because everything feels sort of too much. And I look up and see the blue, or the grey, or the black, and I feel myself melting into it. And, for like a split second, I feel free and happy.

—

Alyssa: I'm not saying he's the answer, but he's something.

—

Alyssa: I kind of think I could fall in love with him.

Episode 2

Alyssa: I’m bad at apologising to people, but sometimes I know I should.

—

James: Sometimes I just... Let things happen. Even though I don't want them to. I'm not sure why.

—

Alyssa: Do you want me? What? Do you want me, or do you just go along with things?
James: I want you.

Episode 3

Alyssa: Sometimes James feels like a boy I could love. Like really love. Then other times he feels like a total fucking stranger.

—


James: As a rule, I didn't dance. But it was hard to say no to Alyssa.

—

Alyssa: I thought you said you wanted me.
James: I did.
Alyssa: Liar.
James: I tended not to feel things. For a long time, I was good at it. Good at feeling absolutely nothing. I didn't even have to try. I just, didn't.

—

Alyssa: The world is fucking bleak. I guess I try and do things to forget that it is. Keep busy, keep blind. I thought that's what me and James were doing.

—


James: Being with Alyssa had started to make me feel things. She made me feel things. And I didn't like it at all.

—

James: When her eyes were closed, Alyssa looked a lot less angry.

Episode 4

Alyssa: It's strange. A lot of the time you don't register the important moments in your life as they happen. You only see that they were important when you look back.

—

James: I realised that she was scared of me. That felt kind of unfair. I'd been her protector.

—


James: That was the day I learned that silence is really loud. Deafening. I think maybe my dad spent his whole life trying to avoid silence. When you have silence, it's hard to keep stuff out. It's all there, and you can't get rid of it. I used to be able to get rid of things, banish them. But I knew after that day, it wouldn't be so easy anymore.

—

James: I was never Alyssa's protector. She was mine.

Episode 5

James: I knew she was probably long gone but it seemed important to try.

—

Alyssa: He saved me and I left him. I'm never going to see him again and it's my fault.

Episode 6

James: As the hours passed, I realised that I felt different. Sort of new. She'd come back for me. We were really doing something, going somewhere, and it felt good.

—

Alyssa: His trust in us is kind of heartbreaking But what are you going to do?

—

Alyssa: I think I'm starting to feel a bit more like myself. Sometimes I think I feel more like myself with James than I do on my own.

—

Alyssa: Sometimes you realise you've had a thing keeping you going that might be a lie. When you actually really understand that, 'that the whole thing might have been a lie the whole time, it's like you swallowed a stone.

Episode 7

Alyssa: So what do you think of him?
James: (Sometimes it was important to lie.) Yeah, he's all right.
Alyssa: All right?
James: All right like good.
Alyssa: You don't get it.

—

James: Alyssa felt far away from me. It was like we'd gone back.

—


James: I can't do it
Alyssa: Are you crying?
James: No.

Episode 8

Alyssa: Normally, I always kiss him first.

—

James: Are you OK?
Alyssa: Can I say something? Can we wait? Just for a bit. Like, I don't know, for a few days. Is that OK?
James: Yeah, of course.
Alyssa: I think it is OK. We've got, like, our whole lives.

—


Alyssa: It's like we're on the edge of the world. Like we're safe. Only, we're not.

—

Alyssa: It's much easier to think someone's the answer if you haven't seen them for years. Because they're not really real. People can't be answers. They're just more questions.

—

Alyssa: I love him so much.

one memory always stuck out: me, huddling on my sides in the middle of the night, weak from your sweet-nothings.

now, with my knees pulled up to my chest, my shoulders trembling, and my cheeks wet, i see what your words were — nothing.

i was stupid.
unforgivably, stubbornly stupid.

When you're young you don't worry about anything before jumping into a relationship. Love was simple and pure back then; you like someone, you get together if the feeling is mutual. When you're young you just love.

There's never a love quite like your first. You're reckless with your heart because you have a lot to give. You didn't know that someday, you'll run out of love and start doubting everyone's intentions because it's part of growing up. Once you've been broken and shattered, you lose that innocent part of you and hard as you try, you can't possibly piece it back.

As an adult, it seems, relationships are built on several factors. Whether you share the same family background, cultural background, religious beliefs, his short term and long term plans for his future. You watch his habits, whether you can accept it if they're a little quirky. You learn about his past, whether it's something you can live with. You bring him to meet your family and friends because you know now that relationships don't revolve around just two people.

Ironically, none of it is love. Nowadays, you can even be in a relationship without love because we are creatures of habits and sometimes it's just easier staying in a loveless relationship than to go out, look for someone new and risk getting hurt again.

-

Wrote the above some years back, about a relationship I was afraid to get out of because I didn't want the trouble of starting anew and getting to know someone all over again. My friend sharing her boyfriend troubles last week reminded me of how relevant this still is.



分开以后的痛苦 并不是怕不幸福
只是两个人太久 我不习惯孤独

躲在回忆的仓库 快乐的屈指可数
也怕自己走不出给自己的埋伏

A mixture of gnawing indignation and waning stoicism left me with an inexplicable urge to pen something. I might be a little better at making peace with myself when I'm intoxicated but alcohol only fortifies my growing disillusion — I don't need that tonight. I'm blessed with enough cynicism to last me another a decade.

Funny how, for once in 2017, I longed for someone to prove me and my darned scepticism wrong. My bad, I was so desperate to be wrong, I made an erroneous assessment, a fallacious assumption that it was safe to tear down my walls. To my chagrin, my unerring sense of intuition hit the nail on the head. Again. "You should've listened," the staccato murmurings that flooded my mind reiterated. Yes, I should have listened my injudicious self. The irony.

You court spontaneity — one that's on a brink of recklessness — as ardently as I once did. We're identical to a fault. In a parallel universe, we would have been kindred spirits. Soulmates. Better halves of each other. But in this, our rapacious thirst for success only pulls us apart.

Behind the towering walls I erected — the same ones I allowed you, a stranger, to tear down — I have long forgotten how dismay tasted; how disappointment is an obstinate refusal to leave until it shatters you over and over; how despondency comes in willful, unyielding waves. In the face of calamity, I reverted to my 15-year-old self — a meek, timorous adolescent who was eager to please.

I don't know what's expected of me now. Should I keep up my sardonic humour? Am I supposed to glow with misplaced pride and laugh your caprices off? Or impersonate the role of an impassive mortal? What can I do to eradicate the swirl of rueful remarks — my defence mechanism — that are threatening to whittle me down?

My ostentatious display of defiant fortitude continues to conceal my proliferating despair. Maybe that's enough. Perhaps one day, we'll find our place in this world.

Happy birthday to you, the one who got away.
Happy birthday to you, the man I never got to hold.

My mom told me, when I was a little girl, that you don't necessarily marry your soulmate. I never understood what she meant — until our paths crossed, and diverted.

I like to imagine that in an alternative reality, we would've met at a better timing and I would've let go of my fears before we missed our time.

Happy birthday to my soulmate.
Happy birthday to you, the goodbye I didn't say.

-

This year, I actually forgot — a definitive sign that I have let go of what wasn't meant to be. Besides the fact that I can now openly admit I felt something for you, of course.

I haven't changed, if you're wondering. If you realised that I still only reveal my feelings when it's a little too late, you'd be laughing at my idiocracy again.

Halfway into editing my Taiwan travelogue, I ended up in tears. I know it sounds psychotic but I already guessed this would happen, which was why I put off the travelogue for some time. Only a few colleagues, and none of my friends, were aware that I was quite depressed during my last few days in Taiwan. Perhaps I didn't want to give up my new found freedom to return to my heartache at home.

When you left me, a part of me died. That innocent part of me that believed love is unconditional and it conquers all? All gone. You took every last bit of my nativity with you when you chose her over me. I once thought, if you can't beat them, join them. But as you imagined, I sucked at your twisted games.

My life came to a halt. I found myself stumbling and tumbling through every day, unable to find pleasure in life even though I was supposedly doing things I love. I was desperate to forget you, forget what we had, forget how much I freaking loved you. I did everything I could, including replacing you with anyone who walked into my life. To forget you, I forgot how to love and respect myself.

Hong Kong should have been many firsts. My first time in Hong Kong and the first time I travelled with a guy, and a boyfriend. Hong Kong would have been the first country we travelled to together, marking the first of many times we could have travelled together. Thus, I thought travelling to Hong Kong without you would've been painful.

Surprisingly, I had fun in Hong Kong — more fun than I would have ever dared to conceive. Life, after you, turned out to be amazing. I have put down my pride, I have begged and now, I have moved on. Hong Kong healed my heart and allowed me to see that I am enough, what I did was enough. More than enough. Maybe that's why Hong Kong, together with Taiwan, will always hold a special place in my heart.

In Hong Kong, I learned I could live without you. I stopped giving you chances.
In Taiwan, I learned independence. I stopped relying on others for my happiness.
And that's why I never wanted to be back in Singapore, where I'm only reminded of my weakness.


-

I wrote the above in September 2016 but never published it, possibly because the paragraphs don't seem to flow smoothly no matter how hard I tried. I found the post while sorting out my drafts and, instead of mending it, decided to post it as it was since it accurately represented the confusion I felt back then. One year can do a lot to someone — last year in particular taught me a lot about love.

Around this time last year, I also wrote about why I didn't want a boyfriend yet. It's conflicting. I'm an independent person now, I've found myself, I'm happy on my own, I'm finally my own person. I talked about loving yourself before you can love others — I've done that, so I think I'm ready for a new relationship. But every time I meet someone new I connect well with, I suspect his intentions.

I know it sounds cliche, but it became easier to just build a wall around me. Whenever I get close to someone, I react by recoiling to my shell. I take one step forward, then leap two steps back. I'm stuck in that deep hole of fears created by my paranoia. Only because I know how love can demolish someone. I remember losing my appetite, my passion and my drive. I remember sobbing, I remember days when no one was there for me. I remember feeling afraid. So, so afraid. 

Once you fall in love with someone, once you've really loved that person, you're just no longer the same after that. You grow afraid of love because you know what love can do to someone. You're afraid to fall because falling means giving someone the opportunity to hurt you yet trusting that he won't. You're afraid to trust, because trust means you are vulnerable.

很久很久以前，听过一种说法：“人与人之间的爱情只设定经营三年。”

质细想想，身边的朋友们，包含我在内，感情都在大约三年的时候开始变淡。
这样说来，每段恋爱的保存期限也只有三年啰？

三年后，感情是习惯还是爱，多数人也傻傻分不清。
有多少人还能毫无疑问地宣布，我爱他，我还是一样，不顾一切地爱他？

三年了，然后呢？
分手、劈腿、逼自己跟不愛的人相处一辈子？几年的关心换来无法摆脱的悲伤，值得吗？
不知道，也因为害怕知道，不想再谈恋爱。

现在的我只能希望，自己会遇见一位让我迟疑、让我克服恐惧感、让我想知道爱情是否规定萎、想寻找答案的他。
在那之前，觉得一个人风平浪静的过真的还不错。

12am.

I was there when at 14, 17, 20, 21... But never to listen to waves crashing against the shore, never on serene nights like that. I chattered endlessly for I was certain if I stopped speaking, someone would've heard my palpitating heart. I don't know why I agreed to something my usual cautious self would have never dreamt of. It seems that, no matter your age, heartbreaks turn you silly and mindless.

1am. 

I'm not sure when would our paths will cross again after that night, but meeting him reaffirmed my belief that we came from worlds apart. I liken us to two zigzag lines, crossing paths once in a while but deviating further after each time. That wasn't to say I regret him. I'd always be thankful I let him in, thankful he taught me so many lessons, thankful he allowed me to feel love again.

When his gaze met mine, everything felt the same. My world brightened up again, with just his pure existence.  But his arms are so used to someone else now that they felt awkward around me.

That night, I saw her — the girl I could never be. I hope she grows to love him as much as he adores her. I hope she loves him the way I wanted to. I hope she never breaks his heart. I still wish him happiness. All the happiness in the world that I wanted to, but couldn't, give.

2am. 

I'm too young to be having quarter-life crisis.
Have I made the right decisions that will lead me to become a better person?

I'm too old to be trying something new.
Every decision I made this year made a turn for the worse. I feel so inadequate and, in turn, scared.

3am. 

I spoke of my first love, my longest relationship. Our dates revolved around hanging out at the pathetic shopping mall near our school. We threw the word 'forever' around — didn't we all thought we'd marry our first love? The corner of your lips turned upwards, because you did too.

I don't remember how he tricked my shy teenage self into holding his hands, I don't remember how my heart probably went wild when we first hugged but I remember the location of our first kiss. The unromantic location, in hindsight, is the only reason my first kiss remained fresh in my memory.

How is he doing? I'd never know. It's true that your first love hurts you the most.

4am. 

What do you do when a girl's first supposed hero happened to also be a villain in disguise? I spent the first few years of my life tossing and turning in bed at night until he carried me down the streets of Clementi, teaching me to read signs with his limited vocabulary. 20 odd years later, I still battle insomnia daily; instead of him, now I seek solace in books and occasionally, laying words down side by side.

The night faded. Y2K, suddenly I was four again, the crybaby who was afraid of school. A gross mixture of mucus and tears smeared my face as I begged, "I don't wanna go to school." Those two hours in nursery felt like days; days grew into months, months into years. My desire to become a student 17 years later, ironically, became the cause of our most recent confrontation.

5am

It hit me when I took a whiff of his cologne.
Some things a girl never forgets.

6am. 

He was my second. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. What have I done wrong? I'm sorry. Speak to me. Tell me what's wrong. I will be better for you. I'm sorry. I'm begging you. Everything he took from me during the two years we were together... I closed my eyes and clenched my teeth. He returned my all — every bit of my heart, my love and my pride — with prevarication.

I never want to remember, but I always do. The sweet surprises, his first book out, nightly phone calls during his BMT, action movies I always fell asleep watching, every book in, his POP / POC / ORD. Then, words that stung more than the things hurled across the room, constant yelling, a broken phone on the floor, and the steep descent from  "you're my motivation"  to "I stopped trying to love you."

The waves got stronger as they attempted to cleanse me of my fears. Had I imagined it?
Hearts heal, but scars always remain.

7am. 

And then there's you.

I tried so bloody hard to not think about you. How your smiles made me sick to the stomach, weak to the knees. How this cynical girl is still helplessly in love with you. I stopped believing in love but you came in, made me fall, then you left. I'm telling you right now, you were bloody selfish.

But I miss you. Damn hell, I do.

I miss your laughter, it made the world stop spinning.
I miss your smile, how I break into a smile when I see yours.
I miss the warmth of your embrace, how you made everything alright.
I miss your words, how my stomach knotted when I read them.
I miss the comfort you brought me, how you were my home to return to.  
I miss you, all of you, and the way you felt.



When I'm done erasing you from my memories, I will never feel again. I will never allow myself to feel again. I was the one who let you in to hurt me and I blame no one else for that, but I hate that I let you break down my walls. I've had enough, I don't want to fall in love again.

Not anymore.
Not after you.

Same school, different stage in life.

When you're young, you give everything you have and love recklessly because you don't know how it feels like to have your hopes crushed and your heart shattered. You only learn after several heartbreaks that the love you can give is limited. Stepping into society gives you more to worry about and love gets more complicated. If there's something I learn about growing up, it's that you gain new perspective towards things as you enter different stages of life, causing these the differences between loving someone as a teenage student and as a working adult.

Falling in love

Then
You don't need a special reason to have a crush on someone. Your crush can be, and usually is, the captain of your school's basketball team, your table partner or someone you've been texting a lot. You look up to him or enjoy his company rather than love him. Your feelings for him are more of adoration than anything else.

Just because you have a crush on him doesn't mean you die die must have him. You don't really know how to chase a guy or attract a guy either — simply bumping into him on school grounds or watching him smile is enough to make your day.

Now
You're falling in love? Good luck battling yourself internally as you struggle to not let your past experiences shape your current relationship. Will you stick to society's norm and let the guy chase you or take the initiative? Which will the guy prefer? Wait, why do you care? Can't you just be yourself?

He's showing interest? Now you worry about whether he's being especially nice to you or he's this nice to everyone. You ask his friends and mutual friends about him in an attempt to know him more because you've seen how ugly a person's true self can be. You give things more time because you don't want to commit till you are 100% sure.

Oh, he genuinely likes you too? Congrats, now you have to worry about whether you have seemingly endless topics (remember that looks alone don't last forever), his family background (you don't want to be called a gold digger if he's rich) and whatnot. There's lots of considerations before you decide to even date him.

Getting together

Then
You like someone and the feeling's mutual? Get together then, what's so difficult about that?  "Ai gia steady mai?" (Literally: Want to be my stead? — an old fashioned Singaporean way of asking someone to be you girlfriend.) No mind games, one sentence solves it all.

You don't have to worry about how long you've known each other or how long you'll be together — relationships that age sometimes last only about a week anyway — as long as you're happy together, who cares if it's infatuation or love? You don't even care if the world is against it.

Now
You test water by bringing him to meet your family and friends — any unanimous unpleasant opinion about him and he's out. By now you know there's a good reason behind the saying "outsiders see it best"

You consider other factors like whether his interests and beliefs are aligned to yours, whether you can accept his weird habits, if the topics between both of you will run out someday. You wonder whether the differences in background and culture, if any, will bring you together or drive you apart.

You look at the people he surrounds himself with — are they good or bad influences, what do they usually do as a group, where do they usually hang out? Do they like you as much as he does? Do you like them too?

Other than feeling comfortable with each other and developing some good feelings, there are so many factors to consider prior to entering another relationship because you're tired of getting hurt.

The future

Then
You have everything planned out from the kind of house you'd like to live in with him to the theme of your wedding. You make plans about your future honeymoon spots, you talk about going through the rest of your lives together and even attend the same universities.

You're hopeful about marriage. You dream of a wedding attended by your family, your best friends and you might even be thinking of throwing a huge, grand wedding to celebrate your love. You swore you'd marry him and proudly declare that on every social media platform you own.

Now
You stopped saying I love you forever because you know now that forever is a promise you can't guarantee even with a marriage certificate, what more when you're just dating. In fact, if he mentions marriage this early in your relationship, you'd be paranoid.

You know that it's not that easy to determine that you want to spend your whole life with someone. You're afraid because you've never been married and you've seen married couples end up in ugly divorces.

You know marriage is not a bed of roses, it's about give and take, you'll learn when is the right time to stand firm and to give in when there's a need to.

You learn to understand and accept some of his bad habits because there's no perfect person in this world and you love him enough to see that his good outweigh his bad.Maybe you even stay in lackluster relationships because they feel comfortable. You're no longer looking for that spark.

Breaking up

Then
You wilted away, spent your whole day mopping around, sobbing your heart out because you can't believe someone you loved with your entire existence can just walk out of your life like this. Spoiler: they can, and they will, and it'll take you many lessons before you learn so.

It feels like your world crumbled and you lost everything you ever know of. You might even take a day or two off school to recuperate because you can't stand the thought of bumping into him in school. When you're back in school, the sight of him is enough to send you wailing and you hide in toilets to cry instead of listening in class.

Now
The sun rises and earth continues spinning whether or not you're going through a break up. Your heart is shattered? Better hold those pieces together till you reach home. Don't even cry on public transport — you don't want potential clients seeing your mess now, do you?

You lost your relationship — that's okay — but you can't lose your job. No matter how swollen your eyes are or how broken you feel, you still wake up at 7am, put up a strong front and head to work. Love is important but it's not everything.

You've been thorough enough break ups by now to know that you'll survive and the darkness does not last forever. You've figured your coping mechanisms out long ago and you know how to handle yourself. Still, you grow a little more despair with every break up because time is ticking and no longer on your side for long.

If you're lucky — or naive, like me — you'd find the courage to love again. And again, and again. Maybe you'll find someone who reminds you of the days when you believed that love is unconiditional and hopefully, you'll learn to shower him with the love he deserves, the love you always wanted to give but was too afraid to.

Love is a strange feeling even the deepest philosopher can't put into words. Maybe thats why the smartest adults are wary when it comes to love.

The insufferable distance closed as he drew me in. He wrapped his arms around my waist and a familiar sense of longing enveloped me. Warm, safe, tender — what homes are made of. Damn, I thought, how did I get so lucky again. I found home. I never met a person worth staying for, then suddenly I had someone I wanted to return to. I sighed deeply. If this isn’t the epitome of trite and cliché…

Ravished by his sudden embrace, I revealed a beatific smile — a heartfelt one from deep within my heart — and in my chest, a psychedelic of fireworks threatened to burst anytime. The rush of adrenaline was repulsive in hindsight but in that moment, I was light-headed and saturated with euphoria. The bliss I radiated was palpable, unmistakable even to the blind.

But that’s what I was — blind. 

I mistook affability for affection, solicitude for endearment, benevolence for passion. His blithe disregard for my wretched self was blatantly obvious. Etched in his heart was a mission for utter destruction yet he remained ecstasy to my credulous self.

When the next ray of sunshine streamed through my window 1923 kilometres away, the happiness I grew used to dissipate. It didn’t just vanish. No, that’ll be just too mellow, too merciful. Instead, the euphoria that cloaked me gradually waned. Fleeting, ebbing happiness — the kind I’m destined to have all my life. It faded, ever so gently. Just like how he once was with me.  

The comforting voice that I sought solace in has lost its words. One moment I was high on love — that stupid morphine on steroids. The next, darkness swallowed me. Its raucous roar almost deafening, a relentless taunting. That sick, twisted, familiar ache in my stomach grappled what was left of me. The ever-growing, intense fear filled my lungs and crawled its way to my chest with an obstinate refusal to leave. The lump in my throat swelled; even swallowing was arduous.

He left nothing but lingering stains following his evanescence — an unyielding look of disdain in the mirror, and my friends’ assumption that my heartbreak will sink into oblivion eventually.

Memories are easily forgotten.
Photos inevitably fade.
Everything is impermanent.

Everything, but the triumvirate of fear, pain, and how I felt — insolently feel — towards him.

~

Inspired by the novel, The Girl On The Train.

They always say when you're not looking for someone, that person will come. Boy, did he. He came and swept me off my feet. I wasn't looking for anything in particular. I was fine and happy on my own. But when I met him, I knew he was going to change the world as I knew it. It wasn't the first time I fell in love, it wasn't the deepest I've ever fallen, but it was everything intense and insane — everything love should have been.

I remember the bittersweet struggle, the bewildering array of feelings obviously creeping up onto me, the effortless denial. Then one day, a sudden, mind-blowing realisation. I remember the EXACT moment I knew.

I had no problem dealing with loneliness when I travelled solo. The gaps in between — the times I wished I had someone by my side — were filled with adventures I had, the things I would have never done if I weren't alone. I was roaming the streets of Japan when a bewildering thought crawled into my mind. I began yearning to go home, and the moment I wished he was there to witness Japan's magnificent sights with me, I knew.


When I thought of him — approximately 5233km away from Singapore — while snapping a photo of Mt Fuji's glory, I knew. When I found myself wanting to share my joy and sorrows with him, I knew. That feeling was... Amazing. Knowing that I could love again because I met someone who made me believe in love again was perplexing but phenomenal.

I'm extroverted; I click with people easily and I met guys I instantaneously get along well with. I went out with guys who were on the same frequency as me. I called someone else my soulmate — and once sincerely thought that — but when it boils down to it, none of them compares. They pale in comparison. Those guys were nowhere as eerily similar as we were to each other.

I read a lot of stories about people finding their soulmates and so many times it's about finding another them, who just happened to be the opposite gender. It feels like I found that. It's surprising, and very comforting, to know that someone so similar to me exists. It's mind blowing how the pure existence of this brilliantly constructed human being allowed me believe in love again.

When you went through years of torment, you get scared because you don't know what someone else wants from you. You keep running back to who you placed your blinded faith in because that's all you knew. Meeting him allowed me to bid goodbye to my past attachments. Everyone knows that travelling has always been my form of escape, but he made goodbyes hard. I never understood why I wanted to be home, until I realised I have fallen for this man, this man I barely knew.

I call him someone I barely know because it takes years for me to fall in love. I'm a slow lover, but he brought me on a roller coaster ride straightaway. I can't lie about loving every second of it, but I enjoyed the ride. Allowing yourself to fall for someone is like filling in an indemnity form — you're prepared to get hurt but you've already weighed the pros and cons, and understood that it's worth the risk.

Someone told me he knew I would do well wherever I go because I'm a determined person. In a way it applies to my love life as well — I've always gotten what I wanted. A rejection is harsh and rough, but it's about time. I can't go through adulthood sheltered, protected, and always getting what I ask for. I could blame him for not sending clear signals, or I could spend my entire year wondering if I said something wrong.

But that's not what love is.

I don't know if there's a non-cliche way to put this across, but it's goodbye — for now. In a perfect world, where everything is made of happily-ever-afters and fears don't exist, we would have been together in a second. Slapped with the reality of this world filled with maybes and what-ifs, I'm forced to admit that he's everything I wanted, but at too young a age.

Without revealing too much, we're simply at different stages in life and we want different things at this point. There's a lot on his mind and he's not ready right now. I guess in a year, I won't be either when I eventually pack up and leave to work overseas. I wish I could keep him somewhere and return five years later, when stability, maturity, ambiguity and distance are no longer issues. When I have travelled more, seen enough of the world; when I am done fighting for my career, and he has ironed things out.

But the reality is that time never freezes. We just have to keep going. I always believed that when you meet the right person, there's no right timing. When you're so afraid of losing your chance with that somebody, you will do everything in your power to fight for it. When you love someone and want to give that person happiness to the best of your abilities, you will throw everything aside because love is worth it. 

If he asks, I will put aside my dreams and stay, for him. I'm willing to throw aside something important to me because I don't want to spend a bulk of my life wondering about him. But he relishes his current situation, so there's that. I accept and understand that we have different priorities, and I'm happy he knows what he wants. Maybe I met that right guy, but I wasn't the right girl for him. That's fine, people are people and feelings are weird.

I hang on to the thread of hope that we just might meet again at a better time in the future when we're both ready to settle down. Or this might be goodbye forever. Either way, I'm so glad I met him. I'll NEVER regret any second of this. Once you meet someone like that — someone who's everything you ever asked for — you just can't settle for less anymore because he set the standards so high up.

I like him. Man, I do. This is the first night I admitted something like that, and to so many people. But this is going to be the last. Please never mention this again because it's unworthy of your time. I'm sorry I even said anything. I don't want to talk about it — ever again.

如果还能看出我有爱你的那面，

请剪掉那些情节让我看上去体面

When I kissed someone, I wondered how he tasted. When someone held my hands, I remembered his. I haven't gotten him out of my mind. I spent the last few months trying to put a title to this post. Today, I found the word for it. I call this the semicolon. It's not a comma, because I've done what I should do to bid farewell. It's not a full stop, because I want to believe that this is not the end. Not yet, at least. A semicolon.

It's been exactly a year since I first started on my lifelong dream of seeing the world. I conquered 11 cities in 5 countries since then, and spent 52/365 days overseas. Each time, I returned to Singapore with post-travels depression and bought tickets for my next holiday almost immediately; the shortest, only a week break between my travels.

I travelled alone most of the time, and I had no problem dealing with loneliness. The gaps in between — the times I wished I had someone by my side — were filled with adventures I had, the things I would have never done if I weren't alone.

A wandering soul who constantly craves for adventures, I knew I wanted to spend my future travelling. I wanted to be in anywhere but Singapore. I gave myself three years, I worked hard for a month-long backpacking travel, and I planned to relocate in a country I fell in love with. But all of my plans came crashing down when I turned down a travel opportunity, initially scheduled to be in March.

I knew what was wrong.

"How dangerous," she paused then sighed, 
"and beautiful to meet someone worth staying for."

I acquired new knowledge with every travel, learning more about people as I travelled. I learnt what having feelings can do to someone, and the human's fickle mind scared me. I flinched when someone inched closer; it usually takes only one month before I'm out again. I never thought I was ready, much less capable of feelings again.


I fell for him, but I'll drown myself in three bottles of whisky before I admit it.

(Written 22 Feb 2017)