They always say when you're not looking for someone, that person will come. Boy, did he. He came and swept me off my feet. I wasn't looking for anything in particular. I was fine and happy on my own. But when I met him, I knew he was going to change the world as I knew it. It wasn't the first time I fell in love, it wasn't the deepest I've ever fallen, but it was everything intense and insane — everything love should have been.

I remember the bittersweet struggle, the bewildering array of feelings obviously creeping up onto me, the effortless denial. Then one day, a sudden, mind-blowing realisation. I remember the EXACT moment I knew.

I had no problem dealing with loneliness when I travelled solo. The gaps in between — the times I wished I had someone by my side — were filled with adventures I had, the things I would have never done if I weren't alone. I was roaming the streets of Japan when a bewildering thought crawled into my mind. I began yearning to go home, and the moment I wished he was there to witness Japan's magnificent sights with me, I knew.

When I thought of him — approximately 5233km away from Singapore — while snapping a photo of Mt Fuji's glory, I knew. When I found myself wanting to share my joy and sorrows with him, I knew. That feeling was... Amazing. Knowing that I could love again because I met someone who made me believe in love again was perplexing but phenomenal.

I'm extroverted; I click with people easily and I met guys I instantaneously get along well with. I went out with guys who were on the same frequency as me. I called someone else my soulmate — and once sincerely thought that — but when it boils down to it, none of them compares. They pale in comparison. Those guys were nowhere as eerily similar as we were to each other.

I read a lot of stories about people finding their soulmates and so many times it's about finding another them, who just happened to be the opposite gender. It feels like I found that. It's surprising, and very comforting, to know that someone so similar to me exists. It's mind blowing how the pure existence of this brilliantly constructed human being allowed me believe in love again.

When you went through years of torment, you get scared because you don't know what someone else wants from you. You keep running back to who you placed your blinded faith in because that's all you knew. Meeting him allowed me to bid goodbye to my past attachments. Everyone knows that travelling has always been my form of escape, but he made goodbyes hard. I never understood why I wanted to be home, until I realised I have fallen for this man, this man I barely knew.

I call him someone I barely know because it takes years for me to fall in love. I'm a slow lover, but he brought me on a roller coaster ride straightaway. I can't lie about loving every second of it, but I enjoyed the ride. Allowing yourself to fall for someone is like filling in an indemnity form — you're prepared to get hurt but you've already weighed the pros and cons, and understood that it's worth the risk.

Someone told me he knew I would do well wherever I go because I'm a determined person. In a way it applies to my love life as well — I've always gotten what I wanted. A rejection is harsh and rough, but it's about time. I can't go through adulthood sheltered, protected, and always getting what I ask for. I could blame him for not sending clear signals, or I could spend my entire year wondering if I said something wrong.

But that's not what love is.

I don't know if there's a non-cliche way to put this across, but it's goodbye — for now. In a perfect world, where everything is made of happily-ever-afters and fears don't exist, we would have been together in a second. Slapped with the reality of this world filled with maybes and what-ifs, I'm forced to admit that he's everything I wanted, but at too young a age.

Without revealing too much, we're simply at different stages in life and we want different things at this point. There's a lot on his mind and he's not ready right now. I guess in a year, I won't be either when I eventually pack up and leave to work overseas. I wish I could keep him somewhere and return five years later, when stability, maturity, ambiguity and distance are no longer issues. When I have travelled more, seen enough of the world; when I am done fighting for my career, and he has ironed things out.

But the reality is that time never freezes. We just have to keep going. I always believed that when you meet the right person, there's no right timing. When you're so afraid of losing your chance with that somebody, you will do everything in your power to fight for it. When you love someone and want to give that person happiness to the best of your abilities, you will throw everything aside because love is worth it. 

If he asks, I will put aside my dreams and stay, for him. I'm willing to throw aside something important to me because I don't want to spend a bulk of my life wondering about him. But he relishes his current situation, so there's that. I accept and understand that we have different priorities, and I'm happy he knows what he wants. Maybe I met that right guy, but I wasn't the right girl for him. That's fine, people are people and feelings are weird.

I hang on to the thread of hope that we just might meet again at a better time in the future when we're both ready to settle down. Or this might be goodbye forever. Either way, I'm so glad I met him. I'll NEVER regret any second of this. Once you meet someone like that — someone who's everything you ever asked for — you just can't settle for less anymore because he set the standards so high up.

I like him. Man, I do. This is the first night I admitted something like that, and to so many people. But this is going to be the last. Please never mention this again because it's unworthy of your time. I'm sorry I even said anything. I don't want to talk about it — ever again.

如果还能看出我有爱你的那面，

请剪掉那些情节让我看上去体面

When I kissed someone, I wondered how he tasted. When someone held my hands, I remembered his. I haven't gotten him out of my mind. I spent the last few months trying to put a title to this post. Today, I found the word for it. I call this the semicolon. It's not a comma, because I've done what I should do to bid farewell. It's not a full stop, because I want to believe that this is not the end. Not yet, at least. A semicolon.