One day,
You will see him down the streets
And you will look into his eyes
Only to recognise

The one started a fire in you
The one who opened your eyes
The one you promised forever to
The one whom you thought was "The One"

That same person
Was the one who left you in
Such a cruel fashion
You could never love the same again

But when you bump into him
Your heart goes
/ lub-dub / lub-dub / lub-dub /
All over again

In that moment you realised
No matter how old you are
He will always be
Your favourite mistake.

Everyone told me secondary school was going to be the best years of my life, I scoffed and thought, "if these were the best years, I'd hate to think what's gonna happen the rest of my life." But they were right - indeed, those were the best four years of my life thus far.  Just like any human being, I made mistakes. I made most of them when I was 15 and these are the mistakes I come to regret even till today. My brother just turned 15 last month and watching him grow reminded me of the mistakes my friends and I made and the lessons we learnt through the hard and painful way.

In no time at all, I'll be in my final year of Mass Comm. The past couple of years have been extremely taxing but rewarding; I've learnt so much and I can honestly say that I can't see myself else where. However, I can't help but feel conflicted as I count down to the days left till my senior year. On one hand, I've been blessed enough to be given the three electives I chose - Advance Advertising, Social Media Strategies and Creative Writing - and I'm thrilled to be able to work on modules that I absolutely adore again but on the other, I don't know what to do after graduation.

Being a student has been my identity for the past 15 years and I'm not ready to give this up yet. Student discounts and school holidays aside, I don't know if I'm mentally prepared for this. I can't help but feel that I'm neither here nor there. I don't feel ready to enter the working force but I don't know if I'll ever be ready.

I've been spending the past few days thinking about the near future. What I want to do at intern, what I want as a full time job, what do I want to do after graduation, where do I want to be? So many questions, so little time. It feels like I'm charging headfirst into the future without considering too much about the options I have, which terrifies me. Is it just me or does every graduating student feel this way?

One thing I know for sure is that I love travelling and I want to go travelling after ending school. I don't think I can afford to take a month or two off because that will cost waaaay too much but I'm hoping to at least have a week to travel during the period after my internship and before my graduation in 2016. It's my dream to visit the world someday.

I already have a country in mind that I've always wanted to visit but I've never been able to find the right companion because the price to travel to that place is exorbitant and it is generally an obscured and unpopular tourist destination. But all the better right? I've never been an avid follower of the conventional path anyway. 

Because I haven't met a right travel companion so far, this impending trip will potentially be my first solo travel. Although I'm quite apprehensive, I know I will overcome the panicky feelings in no time and the eyeopening trip is going to be so worth it. I definitely can't wait to step foot onto the ground I've only been able to read up on so far! I just know that it's gonna be so wonderfully surreal and amazing.

Well, to justify for such a costly travel, I'm going to work doubly hard this coming semester so I won't feel guilty about spending my savings or taking time off. Jiayou! :)

I contemplated long and hard before publishing this post because I know it'll make me seem like a crazy ex or even girlfriend, which I kind of was and still am, but heck, I've shared so much of myself online that it'll feel like my life presented online is a lie if I hide this in my heart.
 
For the past few years of my life, I kept finding excuses, kept telling myself I'm fine; it's the other party that has a problem and I need to find the problem. I need to kill the problem before it becomes something bigger and more complicated. And that consumed me. I let that green eye monster control my life; my whole life became a constant cycle of waking up, checking up on everyone and their friends and their friends of friends.

I knew exactly when this habit started. I have an ex whom I couldn't trust, not because I didn't want to - I desperately wanted to - but because he betrayed my trust too many times. The moment I found out his many lies was truly when things started changing. I never fully trusted anyone again from that day on. It got to such a point whereby I would login to his Facebook account and check up on every of his female friends. Is that girl someone he knows from school or someone he randomly added on Facebook? If it's a random add, I would delete and block that girl. If any girl added him and I found out that they weren't real life friends, I'd block and report her account. Instead of studying for O Level, this was what I was constantly focused on.

He couldn't even like another girl's photo without me freaking out and going batshit crazy. I'd like to say I have it under better control now that I'm older but I still feel overwhelmed by waves of jealousy over something as minor as this often. Even till today, I struggle with this daily, causing me to deactivate my social media platforms several times because I know I have no self-control and I would continue stalking if I didn't deactivate. Obviously they didn't work out because I earn money via social media and I'm in a media course so I have to use social media someway or another.

When my ex and I went separate ways, I got together with a wonderful guy but I am still damaged. I still don't know how to trust. So many times I found him questioning my fears and telling me, "I'm not that kind of guy." I know, deep down I know. I knew what kind of person he was before we got together else we would have never been together but that isn't enough for me; I grew up being taught that all guys are the same and it's hard to believe otherwise.

Everyone jokes that I'm a huge stalker and I should open a PI firm because I'm so good at finding out information and dark pasts of everyone, even me. Yet in my heart, I know it's unhealthy, I know I have to stop someday, somehow. I just don't know how. I couldn't even admit to myself that I have a problem.

A few nights ago, during a 4am conversation, I broke down and admitted for the first time. I'm paranoid, I'm insecure, I'm jealous over seemingly nothing. I know it may be a small-scale issue to some but to me it's tenfold and I struggle on a daily basis. I don't even know what's socially acceptable for me to feel jealous about and what's not anymore - I just feel jealousy in every atom of my body, every single day. I want to feel normal for once and not be overly obsessed, controlling and jealous all the time.

I think a big part of my jealousy issue stems from my BPD but I always remind myself that this shouldn't be an excuse. At the end of the day, I still have control over my own life and I still need to find the root of this problem so I can get rid of the unhappiness. I've tried, believe me when I say I've tried my very best. I don't want to go back to that place where I let jealousy control my life again. I have so much to look forward to and this issue shouldn't be an obstacle.

Yes, there were people who called me clingy and controlling because they didn't know what I was and am still dealing with; I forgive them. Then there were those who made use of my paranoia to hurt me, to try and destroy me even more. I knew they were trying to trigger a reaction, to know that I've been affected, which is why I always kept my silence. I didn't want anyone to have the satisfaction of knowing their words had a negative impact on me. They are part of the reason I hesitated before posting this and I know this might invite more hurtful words but I can't hide forever. I don't want to either.

But more than anything else, I realised I'm very lucky to be surrounded by people who care so much about me. No matter how many times I sobbed incessantly on the phone, telling them my suspicions, going haywire over something minute, nobody ever dismissed me and said, "I think you have issues. It's just your paranoia, you shouldn't be this affected." They understood that it was a real fear that was gripping me, they sat me down, analysed every movement with me and constantly check up on me to confirm and reconfirm that I'm feeling better. For that, I'm eternally grateful.

However, I'm also aware that I can't be crippled by this forever. Sure, I can blame it on an individual but do I want to? Do I want an incident, no matter how emotionally scarring it was for me, to define my life forever? Do I want to let someone who's totally irrelevant and out of my life to still have a control over me?

No. 

I don't want the past to define who I am. I want to be in control of my own life and my own feelings. No matter how hard it is, no matter how much I have to struggle, I want to come out of this alive. Even if I end up with countless scars, at least I can say that I am a warrior. I want to be a warrior, I want to fight and get out of this alive. And I will.

"You don't understand her at all, right? You never asked why. She broke with you because she thought that she wasn't good enough for you, that you deserve better. Something happened or something you did - she never ever told anyone what was it - but she's not able to let go of the past.

If you know her well enough, you would have known that you're her first love, the only one she cared about. If you noticed her, you would have noticed that she comes to school with swollen eyes everyday. And these are the days whereby she would be extra quiet.

If you understood her, you should have known that when she said goodbye, all she wanted was for you to assure her that you still love her, and it didn't change during the holidays. All she wanted was for you to show that you still care, that you still wanted her by your side  And that you're willing to accept whatever mistake she makes, made and will make.

If you really loved her that much, why didn't you pull her back when she walked out of the door? Because you say love, but you don't feel. You say forever, but you don't understand. Because like what Mr Z told her, all guys are only good at big and empty talks; they don't mean what they say. One minute it's I love to till the end of time, the other it's leaving the girl alone to pick herself up. Because if you really loved her, a minute with her would have been worth a thousand years of pain.

If you really love her, you'll be willing to wait for her. Because if she's worthy, you'll wait. If you don't wait, you're not worthy of her. If she's amazing, it won't be easy getting her. If it's easy, she won't be amazing. It's as simple as this. If you love her, go for it."

I wrote this when I was 14. Just five years ago. I've repeated this on my blog numerous times but 2010 will always be the year I cherish the most. Not only did 2010 bless me with many amazing people who made me view the world differently, that year shaped me to who I am today.

I don't think this is significant to anyone but stumbling upon this brings back memories. I remember that day clearly; I even remember writing this in tears on my iPod Touch on the way home from school. I was hanging on to a relationship that I ended but that guy has already moved on. So silly of me.

At 14, I thought I knew the world and how it works but I was just another young girl who's reckless with her heart. Just one of the many teenagers who thought she was in love, and that passionate love would last forever. But I was just one of those that would get her heart broken many times.

I was lost and in tears every day. I didn't know what was ahead but I didn't care. I was brave and I just knew that things will work out in the end. I think that's what I miss the most. I miss that little selfless girl who is willing to give up anything for the people she loves, even if it means hurting herself.

I don't know what happened along the way. Somehow, I lost that part of me and started being more self-centered. Maybe it's because I'm afraid of getting hurt and falling into a deep hole again. Maybe it's because I cared too much and lost myself. Maybe this is who I really am.

I feel like I've lost a part of me while growing up and I don't know if I'll ever find it back. Hanging on to memories never helped and I know because I've tried. Nobody feels the same way as I do. When did I suddenly grow up? When did this change happen?

Funny how everyday feels the same but one day when you take a walk down memory lane, you realise everything changed.