No longer feelin' 22

It seemed like it wasn't too long ago when I was bobbing along to Taylor Swift's 22 with my earphones plugged in, oblivious to the world. I was almost 17 when Taylor Swift released the song 22 — the prime age of blind optimism. It was safe to say that I had everything going for me. My teenage years were every bit what I wanted it to be; even if I carry some regrets, everything I did was what I yearned for, at that point.

Adulthood, on the other hand, has been less than kind. The twists and turns sent me crashing every time. Now, almost into my mid-twenties, I'm beginning to realise that there are some battles you'll never win.  I tried to plan ahead, to predict my life a few years down the road, but as I have learned, things hardly go according to plan.

I mean, if I stopped being so hard on myself, I did pretty okay as a 22-year-old. I stepped (more like forced myself) out of my comfort zone and dabbled in sectors I previously never explored. Enjoyed most, hated some, gained new experiences and made new connections along the way.

I guess I still need to keep reminding myself that I'm really doing fine. I'm okay. I need to take things one step at a time. There's still a long way ahead.

Nothing bonds a group of people like a shared distaste for something, or someone.

I had the best birthday celebration ever.

Here’s a secret: I always wanted my friends to come together and surprise me for my birthday. I know Chelsea tried to plan that once but the innumerable incompetent people I allowed in my life back then ruined her plans. Chelsea, I sincerely apologise for making you suffer through my bad decisions. 

My dreams came true this year though; I guess I accumulated enough good karma this year with my endless drama in 2017.


Chelsea, who specialised in acting in year 3, ironically sucked at lying. Not that I’m complaining. She unceremoniously brushed me off when I pointed out that we were heading towards the wrong direction, but I was so distracted by some drama she was supposed to update me on and I figured taking the longer route would give us more time to talk (consistency is key: NEW YEAR, SAME DRAMA-LOVING ME).


My sneaky friends formed an allegiance in secrecy weeks before my birthday! All while I was confidently telling Charlene, “Don’t worry, I will pretend to be surprised by whatever tricks (you, Reuben and Pim) pull.” Well, I certainly didn’t expect the people I love most to come together. Who would’ve guessed that my friends can be bigger stalkers than me?

In a perfect world, I would shed tears of joys when my closest friends jumped out to surprise me. Alas, my talent is in salt marination and savage comebacks, not crying on demand or I would’ve interned at Mediacorp. Besides, I’m accustomed to showing hostility, disgust and anger, not delight or love or any of those disgusting positive feelings.


I merely screamed my lungs out in shock in the basement of 313 while Cheryl commented, “Don’t know we scream louder or you scream louder.”

Adrenaline filled my veins and I was in such a state of stupor that I couldn’t make a proper birthday wish. Instead, I muttered something along the wholesome lines of I hope to be happy forever. What an utter waste of my birthday wish. I later retracted that statement and jokingly wished for everyone who pissed me off to suffer.

Imagine my surprise I saw that someone did fall sick a few days after my birthday. Fml. And that person wasn’t even the target of my recent wrath. Fhl HAHAHAHA. Just for the record, I did not sell my soul to the devil for that to happen.

That’s just one part of a series of mere misadventures that my friends have came to associate with my life the past 22 years. I’ve grown used to hearing my friends sigh in exasperation before delivering the standard line: “This kind of thing can only happen to you.” If having that as my motto isn’t enough, I should seriously considering having it tattooed across my forehead already.

I highly suspect all my friends were just looking for an excuse to congregate and scrutinise my sensational life. I mean, what are the chances that your vile birthday wish, albeit an afterthought, comes true? Although I’m positive no one doubted me, it was glorious declaring I-told-you-that-happened when I had friends backing up my drama as I related it.

Thank god I’m not a compulsive liar or I would’ve been scrambling to come up with pseudo explanations or risked getting exposed. Now that I’m 22, I need to ~grow up~ and stop with my snarky double connotations, but it’s fun to watch guilty parties scrambling to see if the shoe fits!

In primary school, teachers loved asking ludicrous questions like, “If you were an animal, what would you be?” The question always stirred anxiety within the shy child I used to be — I hated being chided for being uncreative (dogs are a popular choice, although being called one ends up being an insult as you grow older) but I never wanted to stand out with something creative.

Sardonic 22-year-old me would retort, “Anything dead.” But I know what I am now. A fly that knowingly lands on a Venus Flytrap. It took an assembly of three different groups of friends from the last five years of my life for me to realise what an attention-seeking drama mama I am. I tend to subconsciously provoke people’s anger for the sole purpose of watching their reactions, then whine about drama coming out of their way to seek me.


What a 10/10 solid a$$hole I’ve been my entire life. As it turns out, I do love drama as much as it loves me! I can’t help it yo, I gotta bring ~quality content~ to my loyal readers.

I’m kidding, in case you’re dumb enough to not tell. I had someone going on a rampant Instagram rant because I called a close friend “pekyj’s crisis management team”. S/he thought I made my friends work for my blog. Regrettably, I’m already not paying my friends enough to deal with my constant drama. My friendship isn’t worth enough to make my friends work for free.

I was, in reality, referring to how my friends edit my argumentative essays to tone down the b1tchiness and remove my snide remarks, averting further conflicts. My personal favourite responses include:

“I think we need to write a 1200 word essay on why we think YT should say what we suggested.”
“I’m sorry for not replying quickly, don’t dock my non-existent pay.”
“Cannot la!!! Please don’t tell me you already sent that. Oh. Too late.”
“Stop being impulsive or you’ll face a fate worse than death.”
“Open his/her message to assess damage now.”
“It’s a slow night, there’s not much good content to work with from your drama today.”

I think my friends secretly bask in my chagrin and mocked aggravation. After all, birds of a feather flock together.


I supposed now that I’m a full grown adult, I’ll be expected to act like one — whatever that means. Who are we even kidding? In all honesty, adults have the least shit held together. But maybe this year I’ll finally learn to be kind.

Probably not.

And they dare say change is the only constant in life. The only constant is my intolerance for bullshit and stupidity, puh-lease!

Me, an adult? I never imagined myself saying this, until the day I stepped into adulthood. Whatever fantasies I had about having my shit together the moment I turned into an adult proved themselves to be futile. I spent the bulk of my first year at adulthood — trial period, I like to call it — feeling isolated and forsakened, but I soon learned the most comforting fact ever presented to me: most adults don't have their shit together.

Birthdays have always meant a huge deal to me. I cared about who texted first, who sent the longest message, who took the day off for me, who celebrated it with me. Cared, as in, past tense. As if not celebrating my 21st birthday wasn’t a big enough sin, I didn’t even want to do anything for my birthday this year. At least I wanted to club last year. This year, I told my friends let’s just catch up over dinner.

Something about growing up shifts your priority. I realised its not who wanted to spend my birthday with me, but who wants to spend their lives with me. I’m not solely talking about love — I plan to stay single for the rest of 2018 anyway — but the people in my life in general.

My birthday is quickly becoming something I dread. I hate the thought of someone spending a bulk of that day pretending that they care about my life. My birthday is just one day. 24 hours. When my birthday is over, what happens? In reality, the people who fuss over making the day perfect for me are usually not around when I had bad days during any other 364 days of the year.

Watch who’s really there instead of listening to those who claimed they will be because words mean nothing when not accompanied my actions — I guess that’s one of the many things I learned the year I turned 21. For memory’s sake, I compiled a list of 21 hardest lesson I learned during my first year as an adult. Hopefully, they will remain reminders to myself.

I'm an adult now!

Mandatory blog post because I turn 21 today. No parties, no gatherings, just hanging out with a few people I love. That's not the 21st birthday celebration I imagined a year ago but 21 years is enough for me to learn that life hardly turns out the way we envision it to.

My 21st birthday planning had been a roller coaster ride. I started out wanting a typical big celebration like the rest of my friends, but decided against it after a dear friend left me. It was a tough and trying period as I was broken and shed tears over our lost friendship. Till today, her photos sit on my office desk because I can't bear the thought of removing them.

That incident alone caused me to rethink holding a birthday party despite my love for planning parties in general. The friends I invite to my birthday, if I held one, might not even be the people I turn to a month from now if something were to happen to me. I thought, the only thing worse than not celebrating my 21st birthday was celebrating my 21st birthday with a party attended by 50 people disinterested in my existence.

But a tiny voice protested (along with my mom who really wanted me to hold a party LOL), reminding me that I could always hold a small party and invite all of my closest friends who have been there all along, for several years now. So I had almost everything planned out, right down to securing sponsors for my dessert table, cake, food catering, hotel etc.

The last month of 2016 saw me being so overwhelmed by the countless things I had to settle before the year ended. It burnt me out, and the fact that I haven't even confirmed the date for my celebrations two weeks to my birthday added to my stress.

At the eleventh hour, I decided, heck it, I already have an upcoming work trip — why not clear my leave since I'm already travelling and do something I always wanted to do instead of conforming to society's standards of a huge 21st birthday bash. If I'm procrastinating the planning, I probably don't want a celebration that much. So I shelved my birthday plans and immediately booked my air tickets to Japan.

It's my first official solo travel (I've travelled solo for work before but it doesn't count as solo travel per se), and it's to Japan, a country I wanted to visit since I was 15. I think experiencing Japan will be better than any celebrations I hold because I waited way too long for this.

A yearly affair

As a kid, I thought turning 21 would be a crucial turning point in my life. I don't know what I expected — that maybe a fairy would descend upon me, sprinkle some sparkly magic powder and I'd suddenly turn pretty, grow taller, and have my life together? I'm 21 today and while that didn't happen, 21 years of living did change and mature me.

Being 20 made me scared. I was continuously pushed out of my comfort zone. I started contributing to the household and gave my mom money on a monthly basis. I was proud of myself yet at the same time, envious of my friends and their university lives. I detested the fact that I had to be an adult when in the eyes of the law, I was hardly an adult.

I made mistakes — some costly, some scarred me emotionally and some made me sobbed uncontrollably. At the end of the day, I learn. I learnt things the hard way, but I always learnt from my mistakes. A few mistakes even led me to beautiful people whom I eventually opened my heart to. I stopped being afraid of making mistakes. I stopped being afraid of the unforeseeable future. Most importantly, I stopped being a terrified girl who's unsure of herself.

I became confident of myself.

Leaving some of the most toxic people in my life allowed me to gain the confidence I always lacked. I used to cry if I had to meet new people, but now I go up to them and introduce myself. I shuddered at the thought of any social interaction (even with my close friends), but now I find myself turning strangers into friends, chatting and laughing with them within minutes.

Being a working almost-adult helped too, I was forced to improve my small talks skills and overcome my shyness. Because I stopped being socially anxious, I began mixing with people and actually enjoyed being around people. I laugh a lot more, and loudly too, because I was no longer restricted by people who told me you should do this, you should behave that way. I became my own person, and I started living for myself.

I might have went a little wild with the live-for-yourself and #noragrets attitude by clubbing three times a week but... #noragrets, right?

Being a late bloomer, I only started drinking at 19; the year I turned 20 was the peak of my drinking habits, with the break up I went through early 2016 and the sudden increase in spending power when I started my first full time job. Drinking quickly turned to clubbing when we didn't want the night to end. If everyone has a 'clubber siao' period in their lives, this would be mine.

Not all clubbers are bad influencers and clubbing isn't necessarily half as immoral as the general public makes it out to be. If it was, my traditional mom would have never allowed me to go clubbing thrice a week, even bringing me to the clubs she frequents in Malaysia #truestory.

Taking care of myself (and sometimes my friends), controlling the amount I drink so I don't get dead drunk, making sure I complete whatever I need to do if I want to spend the night out — these are some responsibilities I learnt that comes with clubbing. I even met some friends in the club I frequent, people who are just there to enjoy the music and have fun.

If you told me a year ago that this would be the person I am today, I wouldn't have believed you. Energetic, hopeful, outgoing, optimistic about the future and as a new friend called me, bubbly bunny. I've never been happier and more satisfied with my life. Looking back, if there's a truly defining year in my life, it's definitely between the time I grew from an unsure teeanger to self-sufficient young adult.


May the rest of my adulthood be as fruitful and as exciting. I'm readyyyyyyy!

(Written 2 January 2016)


When I was younger, I thought by the time I turn 20 surely I would have gotten my shit together (i.e. have a stable job, got married). Today, I turn 20 and well, let's just say that the 10-year-old me would be severely disappointed. I don't know what universe I lived in but my maths must have been nowhere near excellent. Even after taking the fastest generally-held route out there, I'm only on the brink of graduation.

Stable job? Ha. The most terrifying item on my to do list now is job hunting and let's not talk about getting married. This is Singapore we're speaking of, one of the most expensive cities to live in. For the life of me, I cannot fathom why I thought it was possible to get married by 20. Sure, shotgun marriages maybe but I'm not into that.

Thus, I learned my first lesson in my twenties. The difference between turning 10 and 20 is that reality check. You exchange your dreams for something more realistic, something less fun but earns you enough to keep your family going. You find yourself saying the kind of things you thought would only come out of your parents' mouth.

A tiny part of me haven't given up on my childhood dreams either. Just like a flame waiting to be rekindled. When I was 10, I wanted to be an author but let's be real here - how many Mr Midnights and True Singapore Ghost Stories can we have here? As far as I'm concerned, this blog is an outlet for me to visit my childhood dream once in a while and that's enough for me.

Growing up, it has been drilled into me that I have zero basic artistic talent, so much that I decided to take D&T instead of Art for my O Levels despite having taken a liking to art. Entering poly, I chose Mass Comm over a media design course because I had no confidence in my art sense. I never once thought I'd be talented in designing but surprise! After ten years of getting below average grades for Art, suddenly I'm told that I do possess a sense of art - I just can't draw. Thank god for the invention of computers.

Never underestimate the wonders of technology. Years ago, I would have never imagined myself in this position. Because of the bloom of Internet and social media, I found my calling and I'm living my childhood dreams both at once. I'm more than thankful to be born in this generation.

If I had a chance to speak to my 10-year-old self, I would tell her to continue blogging because one day, this once useless blog will actually aid me with what I majored in. While adults are stumped by the rapid advancement of the Internet and social media, I've been part of the growth and given the chance to work with amazing companies.

I would let her know that it's okay to dream big but 平凡也是一种幸福 (simplicity is a sort of happiness as well). I still don't go into a luxury store pointing to things I want with my perfectly manicured nails. Heck, I haven't been painting my nails and they've been breaking off often since I started on Invisalign. But I'm still happy, and I'm always working on making my life better.

I would remind her to keep her feet grounded. Never stop working hard - there's always someone better no matter how good I think I am. And that's okay too, because I don't wish to compare myself to anyone else. I just need to be the best version of myself.

I'd remind her to save up for more travel adventures. The world is a huge place and there is nothing more outrageous than staying stagnant in one spot. The thought of that alone frightens me. Travelling opens my eyes and humbles me; it's the best gift I can ever get for myself.

感覺有雙翅膀，能飛越高山和海洋 • missing Hong Kong, can't wait to be back 🇭🇰 #flySQ #singaporeairlines

A post shared by Yi Tsing 怡靜 (@pekyj) on Aug 14, 2016 at 4:18am PDT

Here's to another decade of living, loving, experiencing and exploring.

A few years back, I would countdown to my birthday with my friends and even start reminding everyone as far as a month before. There's something about my birthday this year that's different... I hardly reminded anyone at all and I spent my birthday eve (aka new year's day wtf) working on my resume, piecing together my portfolio and job hunting. I didn't even realise how near it was to my birthday until someone asked if I'm excited. It's almost as if I didn't care anymore - and I thought so too - until the clock struck 12.

No texts.

I waited a bit more.

Nothing.

I don't expect a birthday bash or any surprise at my doorstep anymore because these things never happen to me, but boy, I never expected no one to care either. By 2am, I received a total of five texts which I'm immensely grateful for.  What a stark contrast it was to 2011 or even just two years back. I guess it's true that when you grow up, you lose people huh? You realise that you're friends with some people only because you see them five times a week in school.

Then things that I don't use to care about suddenly mattered again. I suddenly remembered the people that I told myself were out of my life for good again. Old wounds opened up again. The ex-friend whom I thought was my closest friend in secondary school left me behind. The one who said he will be there to listen to my sorrows whenever I need him forgot about me. The people I trusted... Where are they?

And perhaps, the person who disappointed me most has to be the guy who once fought to whatsapp me and tweet me happy birthday first doesn't acknowledge my existence anymore. It's disheartening because he will never admit it but it's so glaringly obvious. I never spoke about this publicly nor have I confided in my friends yet but I can feel myself reaching my breaking point real soon. Maybe I'm exaggerating things but he always knew how important it was to me. I never understood his logic but I guess it shouldn't matter anymore because he doesn't care.

This was how I spent the first hour of 20th birthday in tears. I wanted to crawl into bed and hug myself till I feel better but I had work to complete. I even managed to force myself to finish penning this post, redesigning my blog banner, some sidebar icons and the photo above. Is this how growing up feels like? Being responsible even when you feel like shit.

If I were completely honest with myself, by the first ten minutes of my birthday, I already couldn't wait for it to be over. I bawl my eyes out every 2nd January; it has turned into a routine and routines don't just change. I've had lousy birthdays literally every year since 2009. By now I can officially say that I hate birthdays.

My birthday has never been so crucial to me. Turning 19 means that it's my last teen birthday; this is the year I need to tie up loose ends before I inevitably enter adulthood in 2016. I've learnt a lot when I was 18 but the most important lesson I learnt was that there's nothing more important to my mom than my happiness. 

It made me realised how important I am to her. And as I grow older, I realise more things I never knew when I was younger. Like the fact that my mom won't be there forever. As I sit on my sofa typing this post, my mom is fiddling with her fake Pandora, laughing at the fact that she didn't know Pandora was a thing before I told her. This moment, however simple, is so precious to me because it may never happen again.

Most of us forget that our parents age together with us and we often neglect them. Watching so many parents passed away last year and their kids mourning has taught me a lot. It's funny and ironic how death taught me much more things than life ever did.

So many times my brother and I both went out, leaving our mom alone at home to eat dinner. We have fun while we're outside and forget the things she asked us to do but my mom never stopped thinking about us even when she's out.

Sometimes she buys us our favourite food, sometimes she go to the temple and pray for us. I, on the other hand, am guilty of feeling annoyed when she calls me repeatedly when I'm out with my friends or rushing for my project.

But growing up made me realise how much my mom has done for both my brother and me. One day, I'll be her age, have my own kids and I will realise the sacrifices she has done. One day, I'll be waking up early to work so that I can provide for my family. And one day, my biggest fear will come true and my mom will leave me.

I wish I could stay young and have my mom by my side forever but that's impossible because growing old and dying eventually is unavoidable. I just hope that when that day comes, I would have already made my mom proud of me and I'll have no regrets because I know I've done my best and I've been around when she needed me.

It may have been my birthday yesterday, but I wouldn't be anywhere if not for my mom who, to put it crudely, pushed me out. She's the only one who has been there since the beginning and will be there till the end. I've never been an expressive daughter but I love her so much.

P.S. Will blog about my birthday real soon hehe.

I really had a blast this year. I love all my friends who planned this for me.

On the 28th of December, I met up with my boy in the morning before heading to my mommy's workplace to collect prawns for the BBQ and we cabbed to Bedok thereafter to collect more food for the BBQ. After which, we cabbed to Downtown East to check in. I was down with a fever by then and was feeling really nauseous. Took panadol and my boy soak his towel with tap water and draped it across my forehead. I got better by the of of the BBQ. I really enjoyed myself that day and I think it was really one of the best days ever.

The next day, on 29th December, those who stayed over went home around afternoon and bby and I spent some time together before he left for tuition. Freddie, Benedict and Zhiyun came over to accompany me till bby came back for tuition. We checked out early in the morning on 30th December.

This is a really summarized post of what happened in the three days but I'm really in a rush (school starts tomorrow and I haven't even packed) right now. I'll be back soon with new surprises! Till then! xx