Singapore Travel Blog: 2013

I guess I've grown to learn that everyone leaves someday. I don't mean to sound like a bitter teenager but the truth is, as you grow up, your circle of friends will inevitably become smaller. I no longer wish to please everybody, or get to know more people, because the people I have in my life is enough. It scares me how everything is changing everyday, sometimes so gradually that even I myself do not notice it.

Today, I visited your Facebook page again for the first time in years because we don't even bother wishing each other a simple "happy birthday" anymore. A wave of nostalgia hit me hard. When was the last time we met each other? I don't know if you remember but it was three years ago, right after my end-of-year examinations. We had so much fun then, even though we were only camwhoring and gossiping, even though we had nowhere to go and were only sitting down at a random corner in Compass Point.

How are you? Are you doing fine? I realised I don't have the answers to these questions so I visited your blog, and I don't remember when was the last time I did that. Well, it's nice to know that you've been doing great, that you're enjoying school and loving what you're doing. Then it dawned upon me that I don't even know what course are you in right now. And I had to ask a friend to know what school you're in right now. Kinda pathetic, isn't it?

Do you still think of me and reminiscence about our friendship as much as I do? Because whenever I talk about my primary or secondary school life, you're one of the first few faces that appear in my mind.

You were my first best friend in primary school and the only one I still met up frequently with after graduation. My first sleep over was at your house, where we had so much fun together. I was there when you had your first boyfriend and your first heartbreak. And you were here when I went through mine. Who would have thought we would end up not talking for no rhyme or reason at all?

Who would have thought that one day, you just decided to walk out of my life without any last words? I wouldn't have thought so. But you did. One day, you just decided that I was no longer needed in your life. Poof, and off you go, leaving no trace our past friendship. What happened?

I tried. I tried to reconnect with you, I tried to meet up with you, I tried to accommodate to your schedule; I even gave up several gatherings for the chance of catching up with you. But you played me out.

You treated me like a fool. You really did. And I was a fool to have believed you.

Depression / eating disorder

Disorders November 28, 2013

My boyfriend reminded me yesterday that I haven't been updating my blog. I told him that I don't know how to write anymore and I have nothing to talk about anyway. But my mind wouldn't shut up about this so I need to let this out.

Before I go on, I just want to gently remind whoever reading this: I am only writing this to let it out cause it's been bothering me for a LONG time and not for anything else (i.e. attention).

Depression / eating disorder.

I won't say I have them. These terms are so loosely thrown around nowadays and everybody is using them unwisely. I'm really not saying that I have them. I'm definitely not clinically diagnosed either. I just feel like I have something close to it, somehow.

I've never really spoken to anyone except my boyfriend about it yet, but since a month ago, whatever this is, started to get a little bit out of control.

Sidetracking a bit, I've been self-conscious about my weight ever since I hit puberty and I talked about it here. It's a funny thing because I shouldn't have a reason to feel so since I've been underweight all my life. What I didn't mention in my post was that till today (yes, right now), I am still skipping meals on purpose, as if it's no big deal. I always told my friends "oh I'm so busy with all my assignments that I forgot to eat."

It got slightly better after I got together with my boyfriend because he nags at me to eat just about every hour and his mom would cook delicious meals when I go over his house sometimes. (She's wonderful by the way, in case any of you are wondering.) And of course, they often encourage me to eat more. But the more I eat, the more weight I gained, the fatter I felt.

My mom is an amazing woman. But because she's not aware of how weight has always been a sensitive issue for me, she never lets me forget how fat I am. She tells me almost everyday that I am gaining weight and getting fat. She reminds me everyday that I do not have a flat tummy and I am getting out of shape. It got to a point whereby she merely said the word 肥, which is fat in Chinese, and I broke down.

I started shouting and sobbing and it was just horrible. I won't deny that through eating regularly, I did gain a lot of weight (3-4kg or so - the most I've gained in my entire life since puberty somewhat stopped for me) and I started going towards the healthy weight range. I should be happy about this since me being underweight has brought many problems in my life (irregular periods and constant dizzy spells, for example). But everyday, I focused on how fat I felt and I felt so fucking terrible every single day.

I never used to work out and would complain at the slightest bit of exercise (example: climbing the NP hill lolol) but last week, I did a few sets of exercise. It made me feel lighter and happier but it didn't work out (no pun intended) for two reasons. Firstly, with assignments piling in, I really can't find the time to commit to this routine. Secondly, living in a two-room flat with my mother, brother and grandfather, I practically know of no privacy at all. So where do I find a place to work out? It is impossible to do so in the living room and since we all share a room, I can't work out peacefully either. My mother never understood this and went on to call me lazy and said I deserve to be fat.

And so, my confidence melted. I cried so often because I felt fat. I no longer look at life with optimism. I cried at the littlest things and picked on every single thing in my life. Even my boyfriend and friends were not spared because I lost my temper at them so often and I couldn't see what they were doing for me. I became tiring to get along with and even I was tired of myself. I shut myself out.

My friends couldn't understand what was I upset about because they can't see what I see the same way I can't see what they see. They say that it isn't obvious I've been gaining weight and that I'm still skinny. But what I see in front of the mirror is a fucking fat pig, with a ton of flaws everywhere.

I started to feel worse because of the stress that comes along with all the assignments piling in. Thus, I sunk into a deep hole. I won't say it is depression, because I'm not clinically diagnosed but I knew the signs. I was suicidal once in secondary school, and I guess deep down, I knew that it was coming for me again. I just refused to admit it.

Until the other day, my school brought us to the Institute of Mental Health (IMH) for a visit and they briefly touched on the topic of depression. That was when everything started to match up. Everything made sense again. Why I've been feeling suicidal again recently, why I've lost interest in everything I used to love, why I've been having headache so often, why I've been losing my temper so much.

Instead of trying to pick myself up or seeking help, I played the blame game. I blamed it on everyone except myself. But last night I realised I can blame the tv and the media and everything else, but I should blame myself too for falling for that crap. For letting the media shape my idea of perfection. For thinking doing well in school equates to a brighter future. For thinking stick thin is beautiful.

The same night, I told myself it's time to stop all these nonsense so I started a little project on my Dayre. Please check it out and follow me if you haven't. I'd love the support of everyone right now. So instead of nasty comments, I will really appreciate it if you leave some encouragements on my ask.fm.

Thank you all for listening. ♡

Back to School.

Life November 19, 2013

In a year.

Life November 12, 2013

The better things.

Love November 05, 2013

Forevermore.

Love November 02, 2013

幸福可以很简单。

October 21, 2013

Here again.

Love October 14, 2013

Time.

Love October 06, 2013

Relationships are like glass.

Emo Nemo October 01, 2013

Scared

Poetry September 27, 2013

Promise me.

Poetry September 24, 2013

To love is to be stupid.

Love September 21, 2013

My (lack of a) father.

Emo Nemo September 19, 2013

I hate father's day. Every father's day I see girls (mostly) posting about their fathers, showing how much of a daddy's girl they are to their father. I hate that. I feel like they are mocking me, taunting me, because I've never experienced the same amount of love from my father, and that I probably never would in the future.

To be honest, I feel a tinge of jealousy whenever I watch my father and step-sister interact with each other. Don't get me wrong; my step-sister is extremely adorable and I love her to bits but I'm just scared that I will be replaced in my father's heart just because we are no longer as close as we were. I'm afraid that one day, when my father is old, he won't even remember me anymore. I wish that I can spend more time with him, but it's always awkward hanging out with him. It has came to a point whereby my brother and I only call him when we need something and I think it's really pathetic. My father thinks that we are only after his money and we dread calling him because we don't know what to say since we know that he feels this way.

I always thought I was the only one who misses my father but the other day, I heard my brother listening to a sad song about divorce and I realised that I'm not the only who feels this way. I am very well aware that my parents are better off this way but it somehow still sucks to know that I will never have a perfect family.

My brother and I stopped visiting my father when I was going through a rebellious age and I can honestly say that ALL I ever wanted at that point was to have a normal functioning family like my peers. I tried everything I could to achieve that. I moved in with my father, but that didn't work. And when I moved back with my mother, I decided that I don't want to visit my father every weekend anymore because I just want every weekend to be a normal family day for us. It was a huge mistake. This mistake caused my brother and I to further drift apart from our father.

My father is a man of few words - he will not show how much he actually cares and being his daughter, I inherited his genes. That is the main reason I blog - because, as stupid as it may sound, I find it so much easier to tell a non-living thing how I feel. I wish there is a way I can tell him that I care about him, and that I love him but no, that is near impossible...

Before my parents' divorce, while we were still living in Clementi, my father and I were really close. Though I was really young back then, I remember all the things he has done for me. From bringing me down for a midnight stroll when I couldn't sleep, to holding my hands as I go down the slide at the playground so that I wouldn't fall, to buying me every toy I want despite us being poor, to comforting me when I'm crying, to catering to my every whim and fancy.

Sure, he had a bad temper and my family wasn't well-to-do, but he was a perfect dad, at least to me. I'm not sure when did things start to change. Was it because I grew up and realised how cruel reality is? Did things turn sour because we weren't rich? Or did things take a turn during my parents' divorce? Was it because we grew apart? Does everyone grow apart eventually? I'll never find the answers to my questions but I guess it isn't important anyway.

I hope that when I get married, my husband will be a good father to my future kid(s) and that they will never have to go through what I went through because being in a broken family just doesn't feel right. Yes, my mom dotes on me a lot and I am extremely pampered by everyone in my family, but there is still a void in my heart. And this void can only be filled up by the love of a father.

Boo, blue hue. // La Riche Neon Blue

Beauty September 12, 2013

I like seeing you smile.

Love September 08, 2013

I'm sorry that I haven't been updating lately. I've been feeling moody recently. I can't explain what's happening in my life either but I just really don't feel like talking to anyone. I've somewhat forgotten how to put my feelings into words but writing has always been a way for me to vent my frustrations so here goes...

This is a rather personal post and I WILL take offence if you choose to leave nasty comments on my ask.fm; if you don't have anything nice to say, please don't say anything at all. For those who follow me on twitter (if you haven't, then do so now ಠ_ಠ), you should know that I recently developed feelings for another guy in my life. I do like him a whole lot but I'm not so sure if it's love yet... Besides, I'm keeping my guards up because I'm afraid of getting hurt again. I spent nights in denial because I'm afraid of falling in love again. I still believe in love but I no longer believe that relationships this age can last long.

But what I can't deny is that he makes me really happy; even my mom notices the change in my mood whenever we talk on the phone / go out together. And to be brutally honest, I never felt like this, even in my last relationship. We say all sorts of things to each other, mostly to annoy and insult each other, and it has been this way since the start of our friendship. It's the dumbest things we say sometimes that make each other laugh. We make each other laugh a lot and as corny as this may sound, his laugh is the best sound I have ever heard.

I actually realised my feelings for him a little before he enlisted for NS. We were good friends throughout and we got along really well but after his enlistment a few weeks ago, we started becoming closer. I am still unsure of his feelings towards me, which is why I've been avoiding some ask.fm questions :X I really have no idea how can I explain this situation either - I don't think we're just friends because of the things we do/say (not gonna elaborate because it's kinda too personal) and I guess we are more than friends now but I can't say so for sure. I don't wanna hold my hopes up too high when nothing's confirmed.

Well, over the years, I started to self-censor as more people read my blog and I don't know how long will this post stay up on my blog actually. Who knows, this entry might just be deleted by tomorrow. Or it might just stay up here forever.