Had a talk with one of my closest friends recently and she revealed something so appalling and struck me hard. It brought me back to a place where I used to be, where I couldn't see what someone was doing to me. I am glad I got out of it and my life is pretty much perfect now. But I see the old me in her. It's revolting - how you'd neglect someone who loves you so dearly for reasons I cannot fathom.

You are a compulsive liar. You betrayed the trust of these people again and again. Don't you feel guilty? I hope you see what you are doing to them, because the world is round; what goes around comes around. One day you'll be the victim of someone else's deception - that's the only time you'll learn, isn't it? How many chances have they given to you, and how many of these chances did you take for granted?

She's afraid of losing you now, but are you aware that she won't be there forever? One day, she will walk out and see how beautiful the world can be, with or without you. That's when you'll lose her, that's when you will regret, but that's also when her heart is dead, that's when she will no longer be at your beck and call. What makes you think she will wait for you to stop building castles in the air her whole lifetime, while you damage her time and again? What are you doing while her heart's pounding from the misery deep inside her?

You don't deserve someone who thinks the world of you when you don't even consider her feelings. You don't lie to someone who gave you everything she could possibly give. You don't stop trying just because she's already yours. Love has no expiry date - you are the one who gave it an expiry date. You don't just give up when things get tough. You don't just walk away when she's still trying. You don't crush her just for your ego. No, you don't intentionally hurt the people you love.

Now that I'm 18, the inevitable question asked during every single gathering is

"Why don't you go drinking/clubbing?"

My answer for this has always been "No time la." But let me elaborate on that.

1. Really no time

With assignments pouring in every single week, I find it hard to even //breathe// sleep sometimes. True story. Because I want to keep my weekends free to spend with my boy, I tend to rush my work during the weekdays, specifically after school. At the same time, don't want to compromise the quality of the work I submit, so sometimes I work overnight to complete my work. Then my weekends will be spent with my boy. So where got time to go drinking/clubbing you tell me? I don't want to deal with hangovers and wasting a day in not doing my work wtf *nerd*

2. Need my sleep / too tired

My friends do try to ask me once in a while, especially on Saturday nights since my boy will usually be out with his friends anyway. In spite of this, I have always rejected them. Why would I reject them if my weekends are already free? Because I'm too damn tired. Since my boyfriend is mostly out with his friends at night, we meet in the early afternoon. Which means I have to wake up early. Which means I haven't paid my sleeping debts even though it's a weekend. By the time I reach home I'm just like "oh my god, fuck this shit, I am finally home." Then I'll go pay my sleeping debts wtf.

3. All my friends have not reached the legal age. 

I do have friends older than me, or friends who have already passed their birthdays. But these are friends I am not so close to. I am very choosy of the people that I get close to so my social circle is rather small. I have never drank or clubbed before in my entire life so if I do want to go drinking/clubbing, of course I'll choose to go with that small amount of people I'm really close to and trust. And that group of people are mostly underage lolol.

3. Make up / dressing

What exactly do you wear to a club?! I don't have the slightest idea of what is acceptable at a club. I suppose if I do want to go clubbing, I can do some research on that. And I do have to take off my spectacles right? I mean dorks don't go to clubs, do they? But I can't wear contact lenses! So should I risk losing my way, or should I just look nerdy?

Therefore, turning 18 wasn't as adventurous as I thought it would be.

We would go anywhere and everywhere after school in our uniform.

I wasn't kidding when I said we went everywhere in our school uniform. This was when we skipped supplementary lessons to visit the Alive Gallery and I pissed Mona Lisa off HAHA. I'm pretty sure I blogged about it. Hold on. Ahhh, here it is. And for the life of me, I cannot understand why was tucking out the cool thing?!?!?!?! Look at me, I look like a pregnant lady!!! Why didn't anyone tell me I was far off from being "cool"? T-T

Anywhere we go is a photo opportunity.

Even on the LRT platform. Yes, anywhere.

And we made the stupidest pose.

 

We hung out at Punggol Plaza after school and tried to escape teachers who would patrol Punggol Plaza to catch the students who are "loitering". And we take photos with that light-lipped ah lian smile wtf. 4 years on and I never managed to master the smile-without-teeth kind of smile fml.

With all the teachers patrolling, Koufu is the safest place for us to hang out. "We're still eating!" we would protest whenever a teacher tried to chase us home.

Side tracking a little, these are the two girls I used to be closest to despite not being from the same batch. But well, things happened and I fucked things up eventually so........

We did the lamest things after school just because. This photo is significant because I lost my phone on that day and I was trying to get through my phone wtf. As expected, I lost my phone for good but thank God the phone was just a lousy Sony Ericsson phone with a crack on the screen anyway. To the person who stole my phone, joke's on you HAHA.

Wearing the class tee was a priviledge and everyone would get so excited over it because well, everyone hates their school uniforms.

Not tying your hair to school was apparently photo-worthy too wtf. Also I remember this photo clearly because it was the first time I got suspended from school wtf #badass.

I always thought I did not bad for art, although I seem to have lost all my artistic skills by now.

And, uhhh, this is my first boyfriend lolol. When I first posted our photo on Facebook, a huge number of people commented things like "last long!" It's what people used to always say whenever a couple got together - I'm not quite sure if they still use that phrase now... But we certainly didn't last long HAHAHA wtf. We broke up after 3 months due to our immaturity (oh, the irony).

Having dark brown hair and using pink hair band is considered #badass. I miss my healthy hair though. My hair is longer as smooth as it used to be after countless bleaching T-T

 Mandatory class photo. Significant because it's not your everyday class photo - like hello, we are in a cave! And also because here I am, being a badass again and not tying up my hair.

This photo has a funny story behind it. While we were hiking down the mountain, I slipped and fell on my ass at this spot. I laughed so hard at my stupidity I almost peed in my pants (which was already dirty since I fell on my ass) wtf wtf. I told my camp instructor the story of how I slipped and fell; while demostrating, I fell again!!! Fml. My instructor laughed so hard at me. Then, he slipped fell on his ass on the same spot too HAHAHA wtf. Serves him right lololol.

 We used to be soooo obsessed with Photobooth because the quality is good for a webcam. But now that I have Photobooth on my Macbook, I'm just like psssshh.

 Who gives a fuck about getting STOMPed when you're having fun wtf.

Learning journeys used to be the best shit ever because YAY no lessons!!! And nobody cared about the reflection at the end of the learning journey. We just went, took photos, and forgot about the trip altogether wtf.

 The only tattoos we had.

Getting chased out of class together because we forgot our D&T apron wtf. I actually had my apron in my bag with me that day but because all my friends forgot, I decided to sit outside the D&T studio with them wtf. There is no I in a team ok hahahaha wtf.

 Going to the sickbay to avoid lessons or going to the toilet to camwhore was a norm.

 So was camwhoring in the toilet at ungodly hours before school starts.

Or camwhoring outside your classroom when you got punished wtf.

The decorating of our classrooms at every start of the year.

 And being so proud of it, we used it as a backdrop to camwhore.

And camwhore even more. Yes, I was one of those girls who refused to pay for the alteration of my skirt and decided to fold it instead lol.

 Then again, camwhoring can be done anywhere.

 Anywhere. Anywhere at all. And we got drunk by studying too much, not drinking too much.

Uhh, sidetracking again, if you realised halfway through my secondary school life, I stopped being close to the friends I used to be with. That's because I fucked things up again wtf. But things are cool between us now. And even though we aren't as close as we used to be, I'm still thankful for whatever we have.

Annual camps Greendale organised. Our class bonded a lot through this camp and even though we didn't win anything, I was so proud of my class.

 When we learned the meaning of one for all and all for one.

It was through my Secondary 4 camp that I learned one of the life values I still hold close to my heart now. That I can't control what life throws at me, but I can control my response.

Annual Racial Harmony Day celebrations when we were encouraged to wear ethnic costumes.

And we won the first prize because 100% of our classmates are dressed in ethnic costumes! But we cheated because I was a bad chairperson and I told those who didn't wish to wear ethnic costumes to be absent for class HAHA. So this was what was left of my class on that day. Also significant because we had O Level Mother Tongue Listening Competition after this wtf.

 National Day celebrations when we all sang Home loudly.

But all good things come to an end eventually.

This post was written some time ago when we first got together. I wanted to publish this only when we are in a more stable stage of our relationship, but I kinda got busy with school work and all so I forgot about this post :x I decided to publish my post today instead of on Valentine's Day because today marks my boy's 6th month of serving the nations so I thought it was rather apt. I don't know how to begin so uh... If you're reading this, you can go figure out how long we've been together. Haha.

Us getting together wasn't like a "Will you be my girlfriend?" thing. Instead, it was more of like a mutual understanding that we were both together. Which is quite funny because I didn't thought of us as being together at first because he mentioned to me several times that he preferred to be single, so I thought he didn't want commitment.

I only learned that he thought we were when he sent me a long text before his field camp and the content was something along the lines of him asking me when was the exact date we got together and telling me that it doesn't matter what others think of us as long as we are happy together.

So this is the story of how we got together. Kinda.

The first time I saw him was during November 2012 when I just started my second week of working at Metro - he was still on internship so he was taking a break from working at Metro but he came to Metro to buy something. I guess you could say it was love at first sight. But I had a boyfriend back then so maybe it's eye-candy at first sight? Lololol. At that point, I was rather new at work and I had no idea he actually worked at Metro so I thought he was just some random customer that I will never see again *drama*. After his internship, he went back to Metro to work during the weekends and I still thought he was very very very adorable. I remember clearly that he smiled at me once (out of politeness) and it made my day because his smile was so captivating. It sounds so cheesy now that I'm talking about it, but at that time I really thought he looked perfect wtf.

After working together for a month, we finally got the chance to talk for a bit. So that's when we officially met - December 2012. I then jumped on the opportunity to get his number and we have been texting each other daily since then. Errr, yes, I shamelessly asked for his number because I thought he was cute wtf. I think I've used up my whole life's supply of courage though, so I will never pull that kind of stunt again lolol. He turned out to be quite intelligent and a good listener. He was different from the other guys I know... Maybe because he's older and, therefore, more matured. He was always there whenever I need a listening ear and always nagging at me because I'm a blur queen.

We went out several times but we were just friends, and nothing more. In fact, I even said that he's like my older brother wtf.

We eventually became closer friends and it's quite evident from our conversations that we got more comfortable with each other and knew each other better. We would meet more often and I think it was around this time that I started developing a crush on him. I'm rather straightforward and I hate hiding things so I dropped several hints to him. As time passes by, I dropped even more hints because my friends and I thought that he was just a stupid guy who didn't get any of my hints but he later revealed to me that he was just acting dumb -___- Anyway I thought it was just gonna be a passing crush since I never thought that we would ever get together. Especially since he has mentioned his girlfriend criteria to me several times and I never met any of them wtf. And also he was always telling me about this cute girl from his work place so I didn't think much of us.

Then the day I dreaded came - 15 August 2013, his enlistment date. Lesser texts were understandably exchanged between us after he enlisted but still, we texted daily. He would drop me a morning text at 5am and I would usually wake up just to chat with him a little before his training. He stayed up a little after his lights out at night to chat with me too.

We met on a weekly basis on when he booked out, and it was more than enough for me. I also sent him to Yew Tee for his book in frequently. I won't deny that it's super inconvenient for me because when I do so, I have to travel from Marine Parade to Punggol to Yew Tee then back to Marine Parade again. The journey was dreadful, but just to be able to hang out with him for another few hours was worth it all.

We have lots of fun during the weekends (window shopping, ice skating, watching movies) but I missed him so badly during the weekdays that I decided to stay over at his house for one night. My friends went completely berserk when I told them of my plans because everyone said that it's too early in our relationship to do so (heck, we weren't even together yet) but I stood firm with my decision, packed my bag, and headed to his house.

Ok lol no, it wasn't adventurous like that. We discussed about it on Monday and I only stayed over on Friday night. But still! It's the first time I slept over at a guy's place and my friends were hysterical.

Yup, meet my friends. ಠ_ಠ

So anyway, I met him at his house on Friday night after he booked out and we watched half a movie with my laying on his lap before I noticed him dozing off yet he insisted that he wasn't tired because presumably, he wanted to accompany me a bit more since I don't sleep early. But yeah right, as if I would believe that he wasn't exhausted after a day of training -__- I lied to him that I was really worn out and I wanted to sleep (it was a white lie!!!).

We chatted for a while with me in his arms before he fell asleep and I was just staring into space - my phone was running out of battery and his phone was some distance away from his bed because he insisted that sleeping near your phone is unhealthy (some radiation shit) lolol.

I finally fell asleep some hours later only to be woken up by his snore wtf. I tried to wiggle my way out of his arms to get his phone without waking him up but the more I moved, the tighter he hugged me ಠ_ಠ He eventually got up to use the toilet and I desperately fumbled around in the darkness for his phone lolol. I ended up using his phone to talk to my friend/s till 7am when I fell asleep.

We got woken up at 9am by his alarm because we wanted to go for breakfast but we got lazy. I don't remember what we were doing at that time, probably just some cuddling and tickling each other. I do remember kissing his cheeks though (god knows where did I get my courage). And he kissed me back on my forehead and nose.

After we bathed, he made breakfast for me, and I volunteered to wash the dishes but he insisted that he'll do it and I stay in bed. We did nothing but cuddle in bed that day. I wanted to kiss his nose but that bugger moved his head up and kissed me on the lips instead. I hid my face in his chest because I got shy but everything just felt so right at that moment. I could lay in his arms all day and feel completely happy.

He held my hand and sent me to the bus stop at the end of the day. It was a little awkward considering it was the first time he held my hand but I didn't let go. And when my bus came, he pulled me in for a long hug and kissed me. So... I guess that's the story of how we got together. 

I don't deny that I had my doubts at first but he has proven to me that I have nothing to fear. I just know it's gonna be worth it all. :))

My alarm rang loudly, waking me up from my dreams. Ugh, presentation day, I thought. I did my usual morning routine of checking and replying messages before finally getting out of bed to prepare for school. I left out one message - it was a message from my mom asking if I'm awake. I thought nothing of it because it's very usual of my mom to request me to help her with something that she had forgotten the night before.

While I was plugging in my earpiece and leaving for school, my mom called. "Are you on your way to school?" she asked. I told her impatiently that I was in a rush, I didn't want to be late for my presentation. However, what she said next changed everything.


I was in shock. I couldn't react. You know all those drama serials depicting someone dropping his phone after receiving such news? I always thought, wa so drama ah, won't happen in real life one la! But that was the reaction I had. I didn't drop my phone, but I froze. I didn't know what to do next. I refused to believe it. How could it be?

He was such a strong man. He was just transiting in Malaysia and meeting up with my extended family two weeks back! They were even planning to visit us in Singapore at the end of this year. No, it couldn't be. It has to be a sick joke. It just has to be. But the logical side of me knew that there was no way my mom would joke about this. Reality set in, and I broke down. I cried on my way to school, and rushed home after my presentation.

There were, and still are, many questions in my mind, so many answers I can't find. I don't wish to reveal too much on such a public platform but the news came as such a big shock to everyone. Nah, big shock is an understatement. Nobody knew what went wrong.

Yet, in just a night,
A mother lost her favourite son.
A step-father lost his best friend.
A brother lost his traveling companion.
A sister lost her eldest brother.
A family mourned for the loss of yet another individual.
Friends lost their chance to say their last goodbye.

The judo community lost an incredibly talented player.

New Zealand lost an amazing and committed athletic.
The world lost an inspiration to many, a man loved by many.

But reading the messages written to him warms my heart. It's wonderful to hear of the little things he did that touched people's life or made people laugh, to know that my cousin was such a great man when he was alive. It's also nice to see my family coming together to support one another but I wish it didn't have to take a tragic event for me to see this.

A, you were not even 30 yet; it's weird to even think of you this way. We haven't spoken in years, and honestly, even though you crossed my mind sometimes, I never really asked about you or took the initiative to start a conversation with you. Maybe I should have. Maybe we all should have. But maybe doesn't change anything now. I wish things didn't have to end this way but I hope you're in a better place and have found peace now. You've fought a good fight. Rest in peace. We miss you so much.

---

Location: on the bus ride home.

Mood: with tears streaming down my face.

8:51pm: I know I'm gonna be back there again.

Location: the chess table at my void deck.

Mood: with a void in my heart.

9:16pm: Hi, it's me again. I'm back here. I remember I used to come here whenever I'm feeling upset; be it with my ex-boyfriends, with school, with my friends, or whatsoever. This became my place of comfort. At one point, I was here weeping daily. But slowly, life got a little better for me and I stopped visiting this place. It's been, I guess, a little more than a year since I last sat here. Tonight I'm here again. I'm already used to the curious stares of those passer-bys. I know what they are thinking; they must be wondering why is this girl sobbing her heart out in the middle of the night. Is that what's on your mind too?

How do I say this? I have too many thoughts going in my mind all at once. So how do I put this into words? I should be speaking to the person involved instead right? Why am I penning down my thoughts here? These are questions I asked myself daily. But I know the answer to this - to avoid an argument.

I never liked arguments. Wait, I don't think anyone likes them any more than I do. But I hate arguments. I hate them with every ounce of energy in my body. I do everything I can to avoid them, which is why I never brought up my unhappiness. Excuses or reasons, I knew what would happen so long as I break my silence. I thought that by giving you more space and time, you could see what's happening.

Maybe you forgot. Maybe you never saw the significance in the things you did. Maybe we see things from different perspective. But you should have never given me false hopes from the start. I know you didn't promise me anything, but you gave me a wrong outlook. I was aware of the situation from the beginning, but I thought things would stay the way it was before. Maybe it wouldn't stay forever, but I never expected this to happen so quickly.

Here's an analogy to paint you a clearer picture. I'm not good at kite flying and neither are you. But it really simple - you're like a kite and I'm the one flying the kite. If I hold on too tightly, you won't fly. Instead, you want the string to be cut off so that you can soar higher on your own. But on the other hand, if I hold on too loosely, you'll fly away. I don't want to take a wrong step and let my kite go unintentionally. Have you ever flew a kite? I did, once. The more I tugged at the kite, the higher it flew.

You see, there are so many things I could do with or without you, but there's nothing I love more than to do them with you. I know you don't see things the same way. You belong in the sky where you can be free as a bird. But just because I stopped tugging doesn't mean I stopped caring or stopped expecting. I simply stopped showing, stopped pushing to get my way. I don't want my kite to be too far away from me but I'm still waiting. And once in a while, I can't help tugging my kite, giving my luck a chance, waiting for a positive reaction, wondering if the wind will ever stop blowing in our direction so that you could come back to me willingly.

You know that feeling of looking forward to something so much only to get disappointed in the end? Maybe that's why my father warned me time and again when I was young that expectations can kill, that expectations will only lead to disappointments. I can tell you that's the cruelest feeling in the world. To have your hopes built up high, to anticipate something so much you can't sleep at night, to tell your friends all about it. And then to watch it fall apart; watch your plans fall apart, watch things that weren't supposed to happen happen. In the end, I always choose to let loose of my grip so that my kite could rise.