You don't have to keep up with this facade in front of me anymore because I can honestly say I no longer give a fuck about your opinion of me. Once upon a time, you've had me in your game, trying to gain your approval. But you can only hurt so much before you get numb. And this is what I am now. Numb. Cold. Unfeeling.

I don't know how to feel anymore. I swore to never ever shed another tear over you again and I must say I've been doing a darn good job. But there are some days when memories of the past hit me like a bullet train. These are the days I lay in bed curled up like a ball, fighting back my tears.

I keep reminding myself of how gross you can be. That instead of protecting the people who adore you, you decide to join in and hurt them. Just because you don't want to be in that fight alone? Just because you couldn't find the strength to stand up for the people you love? Just because you're weak and you're a coward?

Yes, I am a bitch. Yes, I bitch a lot. Yes, I am very bitchy. But you know what? I'm still better than you in every possible way because at least I stand by my words. I don't go bitching about someone then acting like I've got no problem with them. I'm not ashamed of what I said and I can give you a long, lengthy, detailed explanation on why I did what I did, but I won't. Because you're not worth my time. AT ALL.

You, on the other hand, should be ashamed. If you want to be a bitch, I invite you to be a better bitch than me. Don't hide behind that wall of security. Don't follow the opinion of others just because you don't have your own. Stop being so insecure and stop putting others down so that you can feel better about yourself.

With Chinese New Year round the corner again, I'm getting more and more stressed out. Even before the obligatory yearly visits, I already know what are the questions I should be expecting.

"How old are you?"
"Where are you studying?"
"What course are you in?"
"Do you have a boyfriend?"
"Where's your boyfriend?"
"How come haven't grow taller?" (I actually find this rather amusing wtf)

And the one I dread the most...
"Why don't you talk more?"

I've always been this awkward and shy cousin since young but I always felt the need to talk and try to fit in because my father has always told me, "you need to be more social."

I always thought I was abnormal because I hated what most people seemingly loved to do. 

But now that I've grown up, I know that we all have different comfort levels and for me, I'm just not a people person. I get anxious in crowds, I get panic attacks when I'm around too many people I don't know. I prefer to keep my thoughts to myself because I don't have the nicest thoughts but people only like to hear nice things about themselves. So just because I'm quiet doesn't mean I'm unhappy. 

Maybe I'm quiet because I don't understand your language (my paternal family speaks in Singaporean hokkien while I only understand Malaysian hokkien). Maybe I'm quiet because I don't find the need to make small talk with the people I'm only gonna see once a year. Maybe I'm quiet because after a whole day of socialising, I just want a moment to myself to relax and recharge.

I'm a bit fickle-minded on the Chinese tradition to do house visiting. I love visiting my relatives but I don't like having to do PR with the other relatives that I don't even know existed just for the sake of it. Yes, I love the angpaos I'll be getting (hey at least I'm honest) but I hate the dressing up to impress people you'll never see till the next CNY, the exchange of social pleasantries, the CNY greetings that you don't mean, and the fake smiles.

On the other hand, but I will do it if you are special to me. I don't like people assuming that I would/wouldn't want to socialise. I'm rather capricious on this I guess. Let me break it down to you.

1. I don't mind socialising with my friends' family or having a gathering with the friends of my close friends occasionally because I know there are some occasions whereby there is an absolute need for this. I don't like being excluded with the excuse of "oh, because I thought you were awkward." Nice try wtf. Thankfully, none of my friends are like this and I'm grateful for that. (People guilty of this: ex-boyfriends)

2. I don't mind socialising, but not when you give me a notice at the eleventh hour. I need time to prepare myself, I need to rest a few days before and after socialising, I need to brace myself for that day (wtf). I hate it when I'm informed at the last minute and I have no choice but to attend the social event. It usually turns out better than expected but I'm a nervous wreck before that and I don't like it.

If I bother to try socialising with the people around you, it really shows how much you mean to me but if you don't help me or see the effort I'm putting in then I'm sorry, but it will never happen again.

I don't like people much - be it hanging around them or just people in general - and I'm okay with that. I don't understand why do people make a huge deal out of it.

Despite the setbacks and hiccups along the way, I think 2015 has been great thus far. My new year resolution was to love myself more and it seems like it's working out up to this date; I'm finding myself in a much better place than I used to be. Although it's only February and I don't want to jinx anything yet, it seems like this is the year I finally learn to let go, allow myself to grow stronger and become more confident.

I'm still over-sensitive sometimes and I still hurt easily but I find it so much easier to bounce back up and get my life together again. I cry, but I let go of things that don't belong to me. I'm insecure, but I learned that it's fine to to poke fun at yourself sometimes. I hurt, but I get over it. I feel bad about my body, but I accept that I'll never be perfect. I feel sad, but I move on. I'm not okay all the time, but I've learnt that it's okay to not be okay.

I've lost lots of friendships in 2014 and even in the earlier parts of 2015. I'm still bothered when I get reminded of the good times we shared or randomly think of them. It still disturbs me to no end and it's still painful, but it's a lesson learnt. I don't, and can't, deny that these people still hold a place in my heart but I will always be wary of them

Looking back, maybe I haven't lost much after all. I'm definitely not the best person alive but I dare say I'm a good friend. They lost someone who's willing to stand up for them no matter the circumstances, someone who's loyal, someone who never leaves her friends in the lurch. Sometimes I ask myself, what did I lose? 

I've tortured myself with those memories and mourned for long enough. I've spent nights crying because I was confused, lost and hurt. I've tried to mend things only to hurt myself in the process. Now it's really time for me to move on. Not just friendships, but also basically everything else that isn't working out in my life. It's time for me to let go of people and things that don't belong to me.

In 2015, I aim to finally be brave enough to put an end to all toxic activities and cut all toxic people out from my life. No more holding on to memories and falling in love memories instead of people/things. The fact is that memories don't change, pictures stay the same but people grow and sometimes we just don't recognise them anymore.

I'm still learning to stop looking back and just look forward to the future. Hopefully 2015 will be a good teacher. I can do this. I can do this! :-)

Two years ago, I chanced upon a song and downloaded it because I liked the tune of it. When he enlisted and we became closer, the same song randomly played in my playlist one day. This time, I fell in love with the song, almost as much as I fell for him. Almost. I replayed the song so many times it came up as the most played song in my playlist within a week.



I took comfort in every word in this song. Every line spoke so much to me. I soaked in the song for months, even after we got together because I couldn't believe how blissfully happy I was. I don't think any song would have described things better.

We were both individuals who got so hurt in our last relationship so much that we didn't want to get into another one. He once told me he doesn't believe in love and I said I don't believe relationships at this age can last. I knew that he couldn't give me any assurance but I have never felt happier or more secured than that. We were apprehensive, we were confused but we were in love. And so, we took the plunge.

I remember that night like it was just yesterday. I reached his house at around 11pm because he booked out late. Digressing a little, throughout our relationship, this seems to always happen whenever we're meeting after he books out. So much that, though frustrated at times, I joked that SAF hates me. I wish I realised the value of that moment. I wish I could still make the same joke.

When I reached his house, he treated me like a princess. He bought some snacks in case we get hungry, my favourite drink and Kinder Joy (because he thought my favourite chocolate is Kinder Joy but it's actually Kinder Surprise). I still keep the toy from that chocolate. We played a few songs on my phone and he commented that he liked the songs I had. He was so worn out after a long day but still stayed up accompanying me and we watched Rapunzel on my laptop for a while before going to bed.

I watched him sleep but I couldn't fall asleep no matter how hard I tried. Was it the new environment or was it because I was afraid I would lose that moment if I sleep? Was it because I screwed up my body clock or was it because I was scared of screwing up what we had? I'll never find out.

I stayed up the whole night texting a close friend, telling her all my fears. What if he turned out like my ex? What if the beautiful friendship we shared turned into a disaster because of a mistake? What if we weren't meant to be after all? What if he changed his mind? What if he cannot handle who I am? What if what if what if? I had so many things running through my mind that it was impossible to keep track of them.

To say that I was terrified would be an understatement.

But was it worth it? Yes, yes and yes. It was worth more than everything. I wouldn't trade what we had for anything else in the world. He gave me whatever little time he had, he made me so happy, so pampered, so spoilt, it hurts to even think about it. Have you ever experienced constant sharp stinging sensations in your heart? Yeah, it's that kind of pain. I loved every single second spent with him and I can't imagine giving up on what we had.

Chancing upon this song again more than a year later brings back so much memories. Did we really forget how we used to be or did we try to forget because it's easier than talking about it and working things out? We used to be so in love, so eager to spend time with each other. I kept doing the things I did for him before we got together so that I would never take him for granted? But what happened in between? Hard as I tried, I still couldn't prevent shit from happening.

Is this how love always ends up? Because I have never seen a happily ever after in my whole life. I know I love him. I loved him with the whole of my heart, I loved him with everything I had. They say to keep someone, you have to keep chasing. I never stopped trying, never took things for granted. But things still changed. I have tried my best and I know there was nothing I could have done to stop this. If this is love, then was the momentary happiness worth the pain?

He never knew why was this song so important to me but if he reads this eventually, he will.