Spending the last few days alone made me realised four things.

• My perception can change everything 

It's normal to fall into a slump sometimes but what's important is I snap myself out of it. For the past few days, I didn't let myself listen to the songs that would affect me and if I accidentally played them, I refused to succumb to my sadness or even write about it. I knew what were my trigger for tears and stopped thinking about those issues.

I'm ashamed to say I sobbed the first night then teared a little on the second. I knew you would have hated that. By the third day, I still find myself thinking of you, especially when I received good news because you were always the first one I turned to with good news, but I felt tranquility for the first time since forever. I am in control of my own emotions and I never even knew how much control I had till today.

I gave myself a break and stopped blaming everything on myself. For once, I learned to love myself, accept compliments and lived for myself; I didn't even do that on purpose, it just gradually happened. Instead of my usual volatile mood swings, I feel like I'm surrounded by serenity. Everything became brighter, the bleak future suddenly felt warm and hopeful. I guess, the world is not as bad as I thought it was after all.

• It's okay to not be okay

Initially I kept asked myself why but now I know change is necessary and inevitable. It's okay to leave some things unresolved, it's okay to not rush through things just because it's expected of us, it's okay to slow down, it's okay to have different opinions. Sometimes it's necessary to take a break so that we have the energy to continue the journey.

When I face a problem, my first instinct is to solve it; I focus so much on how to solve this problem and overthink, resulting in me missing out the better things in life. I've since learned to slow down and just enjoy the pace of life. Sometimes things don't happen the way I want them to, but that's okay because I'll still be okay in the end.

• My happiness relies on myself

I've relied on others for my happiness for long enough. It's time for me to take charge of my own happiness. In the past, I needed validation from others. They tell be I'll be fine, I'm good enough, my work is of excellent quality. When I receive no such affirmation, I assumed I'm not doing well causing me to feel paranoid and insecure. When I'm upset and the people I turned to did not reply fast enough, I thought I wasn't important and they didn't care about me.

It hasn't been this case for the past few days. I don't need others to tell me what I am or what I'm not; nobody knows me better than myself. For once in a long while, I feel okay with myself. I don't need constant assurance or replies to feel better. I don't have to compare myself to anyone else because I'm living my own life and nobody leads the same life. I'm fine with not having what other people have and I'm okay with moving at my own speed so long as I'm comfortable with it.

I know this sounds cliché but I spent the last few years looking for someone to love me when all I needed was to love myself. The few nights I spent alone reflecting taught me I have to love myself before anyone can even love me. I kept trying to find someone who could fix me when all I needed to fix was my perception, give myself a break and stop being my own biggest critique. When I find peace within myself, everything will fall into place. I realised, hey you know, I can survive on my own.

I never understood why people say, "find someone you don't need in your life but still want to have" but today I finally got it. The fact that I don't need anyone for my survival but still chose to be around the people I hang out with makes things even more precious.

• How fulfilling heavy workloads can actually be

I always loved school, and have always made it clear to everyone that I love whatever I'm doing. But this week, in particular, made me understand the saying "the roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is sweet." There's no better feeling than getting praised for something you've worked so hard on and getting A(s) for unexpected assignments. 

At least when I'm busy, I know I'm doing something productive with my life instead of wasting my years away not knowing what's up or what's coming for me. Times like these I'm motivated to go on despite the crazy last three weeks of school. 

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I keep forgetting how much control I have over my life. Nothing makes me sadder than me and nothing makes me happier than me.

Hell month is here again with the endless submissions, tests, presentations whatsoever. As usual, when it comes to me, bad things don't just happen once in a while - they hit me like a wrecking ball all at once. It seems like everyday, someone just has to ruin life for me. I dread waking up every morning because I don't know what's going to hit me and I'm tired of acting like I don't care when I do. I'm sick of pretending I'm fine with everything and life is just a bed of roses when it's more like piles of shit. 

The past weeks has been dreadful due to several events happening over July. They leave behind an unpleasant taste in my mouth that I haven't been able to get rid of since. I haven't felt this way in a long time and it sucks that I can't talk to the person involved. It drives me to the edge that I'm unable to talk about it because I know nothing can be solved this way but sometimes I just wonder if some words are really better left unsaid...? I used to be so sure to say whatever I feel in an outright manner so that I don't have to hide my feelings but now I'm not sure anymore.

Anyhow, I'm glad my friends have been my pillar of strength, giving me difficulties keeping a straight face in class, encouraging me and keeping me sane :') Even though I know I'm being super spiteful towards people who intentionally hurt me, these friends are the ones who stayed to support me, laugh with me and occasionally remind me I'm being too extreme. I wish I could post screenshots of what we talk about but that would just get me into trouble so I'm not gonna do that. Lol.

In a way, I'm also thankful for the upcoming hell weeks because at least school will keep me distracted as it always does when I'm upset. Looking at the upcoming projects, I can only say despite how terrible I'm feeling deep inside, I know I'm really blessed. To be able to study what I love, to even enjoy what I'm doing when I'm drowning in my work. I've never experienced anything more satisfying than what I'm doing right now.

I'm busy and unhappy.
But that's okay.
Because I'll be okay.

Dear you,

I'm sorry I'm so clingy.

I wish I don't have to apologise or explain myself yet at the same time I feel the need to. Perhaps it's because I'm afraid of annoying you or the fact that I know you won't try to understand. Introversion is something I need to grow out of, social anxiety means I'm being a pussy. Well, then I hope you know how freaking special you are, that I'm willing to crawl out of my shell for you.

When you said, "It's all in your head", I didn't know how to feel. Most people say that to imply that I'm not trying hard enough. I try to look at it from the bright side, I try to believe you're trying to show support - maybe with the wrong choice of words - but I see it as a sign that you believe I can get out of this alive.

When you said, "Everything will be alright", tears flooded down my cheeks. To any other person, these are simple words, words that can be said by anyone, words that may not mean anything. However, to have you actually worded your support felt amazing; if you knew how much better your words actually make me feel, would you be more generous with them? I wish you knew what a huge difference your words of encouragement can make.

Anyway, I digressed.

When you ask me why am I so emotionally dependent on you, I couldn't give you an answer. Today I sat down and forced an answer out of myself. Why do I insist on more time more time more time when I'm perfectly happy being alone? Why is it that the time we have together never seems enough when in reality, I prefer spending time with myself than anything else? Why do I crave spending more time with you when I find joy in solitary?

Because you make me happy.

It's this straightforward. I can be happy alone, but I'd rather be happy with you. I'm contented being alone, but with you, everything gets much better. I talk more, open up more, laugh more... I feel happier more, and I feel it so easily. All signs of an unhealthy person - the constant insecurities, the irrational fears, the uncontrollable jealousy, the self-hate - all gone with the wind, just with your presence. The dark clouds seem to lift themselves and I never remember those issues when I'm with you.

When you're with me, you cuddle my angst away instead of letting the demons inside my head swallow me up. With you, it feels like all my endless worries disappear, as though they were never troubling me in the first place. When you're by my side, you're the logical part of my brain, you chase away my irrational fears. When I succeed at making you laugh, it's as if the world stops and marvel at my ability to trigger such a wonderful sound.

Of course, I know this is me being selfish. We can never return to the past where you were just as eager to spend time together. I know I probably drain your energy because it's not easy caring for such a sensitive person but I forget this sometimes because I'm so desperate to feel better. I neglect your personal needs and wants while I'm on my quest to find myself.

So what is the perfect balance?

I want to feel better but I don't want to burden you when you're already so busy. I don't know if there will ever be a solution. Maybe the situation will get better with time as promised? Or maybe I'll get better. I don't know what's the point of this post either. It's all really confusing right now. I guess I just want you to understand how being with you affects my mental well being in a good way, and how much all of these means to me.

It's not that I expect you to give up anything for me - trust me, I don't. I just wish there's more than 24 hours in a day, more than 7 days in a week, more time for me to be around you so so that I can heal. Yes, I can survive on my own but my world just feels a little better and spins a little faster with you around.