My biggest regret was thinking that you would be different.

That you would take time to care for me.
That you would love me and treat me right.
That you would not do what they did to me.
That you would talk to me to understand me.

I willingly gave you my heart and trusted you with it.

I thought this could be my happy ending.
I thought what we had was real.
I thought we could always work things out.
I thought I found true love.

Of all things I assumed, nothing hurts more than the fact that I thought you'd be different.

I stopped talking to you because you stopped listening. It's as simple as this.

A long time ago, we used to be able to talk things out because we both listened and tried to change for the better. For you, for me, for us. But today, it's no longer like this between us. This feeling is unexplainable... I don't know which is worse, meeting someone whom you thought was perfect for you till he changed or not meeting your soulmate at all?

I hate wasting my energy on someone who knows how certain things make me feel but refuse to rectify them. I hate the fact that you know what makes me happy - and these are things that don't cost you a dime - but you refuse to do them simply because you're "too busy", "have nothing to say" or worse, you brush me off with, "is it really that important?"

Yes. Yes it is.

If it's not important, would I keep repeating myself? You think I enjoy pestering you huh?

But so what if it is? You wouldn't do anything about it. You know it yourself too.

So just leave it.

...

After a while, you give up.

You give up explaining because it takes longer than a lifetime to explain something to someone with the stubbornness of a mule. Why waste your saliva and life? No matter what you say, nothing will go through his thick skulls. To him, he's always right. And when he's wrong, don't expect him to apologise - he never will - he'll find an excuse to twist his words until he's right. Yup, he's right even when he's wrong.

You give up trying because no matter what you do, he'll never see it. You talk to him, you show him through actions, you tell him how you feel. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is how HE feels and what HE thinks is right. He gives you deadlines to meet his requirements, but he doesn't tell you that. Go figure out what he wants yourself.

You give up on 'us' and 'we' because it's so easy for him to do the same. It takes two hands to clap, two people to make things work. At the same time, when things don't work out, it should be both your faults. But not the way he sees it. You're just there to shoulder the blame when things go wrong. One mistake and you're out.

You give up being proud because you can never hold your head up around him. It's easy. He made a mistake, you made a mistake, nobody is mending anything. He doesn't show you off anymore either. People have been questioning if you are still together. Just as well too, you don't have to explain how everything is falling apart.

You give up trying to explain anyway. Day by day, you look more like you're in a delusional relationship when he has already erased every trace of you. His phone's password? You don't even know what is it and you don't care because it's no longer your anniversary date. His wallpapers are no longer your ootd or Hello Kitty. You can try pestering him but he'll only brush you off. He will no longer tweet you cute tweets or post photos of you on his Instagram. You ask him why he doesn't post anything anymore and his perfunctory replies remain the same. "Soon," he will say.

You give up what's most important to you because that's not what he thinks is important. He stops showing appreciation. No thank you, no words of appreciation. Eventually you stop saying those words too. Not because you stopped appreciating, but because countless people, including his friends, told you your problem is you show too much love and you let him know that you love deeply.

You give up telling him how much you love him for the same reason. He doesn't tell you he misses you anymore too. Maybe he does but doesn't say it, or maybe because he simply doesn't miss you anymore. He stopped telling you 'I love you' randomly in the day. He doesn't sweet talk you anymore. He doesn't even call your selfies cute and you don't remember the last time he praised you without you digging for it. He doesn't call you at night and haven't done so for months.

You give up wondering about your future together because there's no 'together' anymore. To be together, he needs 'to-get-her' but he's not trying anymore. You stopped trying too. He doesn't see you in his future - his words, not mine. He can argue that actions speak louder than words, or that he was just kidding. But ask yourself, has he ever included you in any of his future plans?

After a while, you give up.

And that's when the end comes.

I'm trying to reduce angsty rants on my blog because they do no good to this blog or my life but I'm damn pissed off today. I'm so annoyed that all the travel opportunities in the recent years never materialised. Maybe I sound petty now but if you've been reading my blog for quite some time, you would know how much I love travelling. So much that I would even say love is an understatement.

But all the chances I get really just 擦肩而过, which makes me really depressed. Like God is trolling me. if I don't have the destiny to travel then don't give me false hopes la!!! Make me happy then sad. :( It's not even because I have financial problems or no freedom to do what I want. It's literally these chances brushing by me and mocking at me.

It got so bad sometime this year that I was seriously contemplating visiting Hong Kong alone since I already had my itinerary planned out. I didn't in the end because I thought it would be a busy period for me at that time so I'd rather stay in Singapore and get my work done than to worry about them in Hong Kong. Obviously, in an attempt to mock me even more, the things that I cancelled my trip for didn't happen AND I wasn't even needed at work during that period of time!!!


I was so frigging dejected that I cried for days because I've been looking forward to this trip since 2013 and I already had everything planned out! Including the hotels and even the places to dined in. This led me to feeling damn miserable and hateful when I see my friends posting their travel photos because


I felt even more horrible after that because I knew I shouldn't be feeling this way but at the same time I couldn't help it. I'm so freaking jealous of my friends who get to travel several times a year to different places. To places I can only dream about going. To places I've only read about in books. Why them? Why me?

Less than six months to my 20th birthday and I've never been to Disneyland. Not even the smallest one while my peers are conquering Disneyland, Disney World, DisneySea. Heck, I've never been out of Southeast Asia on my own (the two times I was out - to China and Australia - were school trips that were more educational than anything else and I was too young to know anything or even have photos as memories).

All the trips promised by the people around me? Never fulfilled. I mean, I can't blame them for having commitments but I can't help feeling disappointed and let down too.

I guess sometimes I just have to be brave. Trust myself. Throw caution to the wind. Go out there and explore on my own. Or I'll just get McBreakfast tomorrow to I can cheer myself up. Lol.

giant creatures flew across the gray sky
their hide made of stone
and they had diamond eyes

beasts crawl out of their cave
after hiding for a millennium
with their skin intricate like a maze

they tore and scratched yet
with light came the dark
and he left his evil scars

a blood-curdling scream makes its way
out of her tired throat
before it was ripped into pieces

it has been done
she is now a part of
the never ending dark