Cried till I have nothing left, sobbed till I lost my voice but I still woke up with an aching heart. To say I'm disappointed would be a severe understatement. If God exist, he must be a sadist laughing so hard at me right now because my life is a series of jokes.

Treated myself to an expensive but cute-looking luggage because I convinced myself that I haven't went overseas in such a long time, I probably deserve a luggage of my own. Ha, ended up not going anywhere. Gave up a Taiwan trip because I thought I was heading to Hong Kong and didn't want to spend too much money this year. Guess what? Staying in Singapore for the rest of the year because of the bad decisions I made.

Few years ago, I believed so much in the law of attraction. I watched the movie more than four times. I try my best think positive thoughts everyday. The universe gives you what you often think about and because of that, I tried to not talk about bad experiences on my blog Positive mindset will attract positive things because your thoughts manifest into things, no?

Bullshit.

I had nothing but good feelings the whole time. Staying hopeful despite the odds. Looking forward to this for the past two years. At one point, I was so excited I even had photos of Disneyland as my wallpaper. I did my research and thought about Hong Kong every night before I sleep. Even dreamt of the places I could visit there. I thought I could finally touch the places I could only see in pictures.

I did my research, changed my dental appointments, planned the whole itinerary, emailed hotels, checked the weather forecast, read blog posts on Hong Kong every single damn day. I did everything the universe said to do, I followed the law of attraction.

Maybe it's silly to anyone reading this. It's just Hong Kong right, just Disneyland. But that's not how it is to me. I loved Disney since I was a kid. Just like any other kid. But the difference between them and me is I could only watch on as my friends brought photos of their Disneyland trips to school. Those fuckers. It was nothing to them yet they had no idea how much I envied them.

I vividly remember the day they announced that they were building Disneyland at Hong Kong. I was only 8. Who cares if it's the smallest in the world, at least it's somewhere near and relatively affordable. I finally have a possibility of going to Disneyland before I'm 18!!!

Before 18, two different people promised to bring me to Disneyland. Didn't happened. Years passed and I turned 18 without stepping foot in Disneyland, or even Hong Kong. It's okay, I told myself. I already have plans, at least I'll be there before my big 2.

Bam.

Nopenopenopenope. Hopes shattered, dreams destroyed. I don't know what to believe in anymore. Not the universe, not God. Just nothing. Stop believing - that way you won't get hurt. Don't hope for something - expectations lead to disappointments.

I don't even want to go online anymore. Every site I go reminds me of how I worked hard for nothing.

I went on Facebook, my friends are sharing cafes in Hong Kong that everyone should definitely visit at least once. Those were the cafes in my itinerary. Maybe I'll visit them at least once, but just not anytime soon.

I checked my email, and tripadvisor sent me an email telling me prices of the hotel I looked at have dropped. So what if they dropped, I can't even visit them anymore.

I went on Twitter, and Hong Kong was trending. Didn't even cared what were people talking about before I bust into tears of disappointment again.

I went on instagram, and my friends are posting photos of their Hong Kong trip. It seems like everyone is overseas at once or at least planning for something. Well, except me.

I went to read some blogs, read that some DJ is going to Hong Kong during the time I was supposed to go. Have fun in my place lol.

I watched the news, and they talked about the new Hello Kitty dimsum restaurant at Hong Kong. Yes, two of my favourite things combined in a place I cannot visit.

I went to school, my friends asked me how's the preparation for my trip. That's my fault, because I was so excited I told people I would get souvenirs for them before I even confirmed my trip.

I went to class, and my teacher talked about going to Hong Kong or Japan this June holidays. Yeah, my initial plans. Now ruined.

I hate this so much. I'm feeling so fucking bitter I just flat out refuse to go on social media sites or even go online anymore.

Eleven years of waiting, two years of visualising led me to nothing. Perhaps only more waiting. I'm sick of waiting. My whole life I've been waiting and waiting and waiting for things that don't even happen. Disneyland, when will my dreams ever come true?

I'm exhausted.
Let me sleep.