Happy birthday to you, the one who got away.
Happy birthday to you, the man I never got to hold.

My mom told me, when I was a little girl, that you don't necessarily marry your soulmate. I never understood what she meant — until our paths crossed, and diverted.

I like to imagine that in an alternative reality, we would've met at a better timing and I would've let go of my fears before we missed our time.

Happy birthday to my soulmate.
Happy birthday to you, the goodbye I didn't say.

-

This year, I actually forgot — a definitive sign that I have let go of what wasn't meant to be. Besides the fact that I can now openly admit I felt something for you, of course.

I haven't changed, if you're wondering. If you realised that I still only reveal my feelings when it's a little too late, you'd be laughing at my idiocracy again.

Halfway into editing my Taiwan travelogue, I ended up in tears. I know it sounds psychotic but I already guessed this would happen, which was why I put off the travelogue for some time. Only a few colleagues, and none of my friends, were aware that I was quite depressed during my last few days in Taiwan. Perhaps I didn't want to give up my new found freedom to return to my heartache at home.

When you left me, a part of me died. That innocent part of me that believed love is unconditional and it conquers all? All gone. You took every last bit of my nativity with you when you chose her over me. I once thought, if you can't beat them, join them. But as you imagined, I sucked at your twisted games.

My life came to a halt. I found myself stumbling and tumbling through every day, unable to find pleasure in life even though I was supposedly doing things I love. I was desperate to forget you, forget what we had, forget how much I freaking loved you. I did everything I could, including replacing you with anyone who walked into my life. To forget you, I forgot how to love and respect myself.

Hong Kong should have been many firsts. My first time in Hong Kong and the first time I travelled with a guy, and a boyfriend. Hong Kong would have been the first country we travelled to together, marking the first of many times we could have travelled together. Thus, I thought travelling to Hong Kong without you would've been painful.

Surprisingly, I had fun in Hong Kong — more fun than I would have ever dared to conceive. Life, after you, turned out to be amazing. I have put down my pride, I have begged and now, I have moved on. Hong Kong healed my heart and allowed me to see that I am enough, what I did was enough. More than enough. Maybe that's why Hong Kong, together with Taiwan, will always hold a special place in my heart.

In Hong Kong, I learned I could live without you. I stopped giving you chances.
In Taiwan, I learned independence. I stopped relying on others for my happiness.
And that's why I never wanted to be back in Singapore, where I'm only reminded of my weakness.


-

I wrote the above in September 2016 but never published it, possibly because the paragraphs don't seem to flow smoothly no matter how hard I tried. I found the post while sorting out my drafts and, instead of mending it, decided to post it as it was since it accurately represented the confusion I felt back then. One year can do a lot to someone — last year in particular taught me a lot about love.

Around this time last year, I also wrote about why I didn't want a boyfriend yet. It's conflicting. I'm an independent person now, I've found myself, I'm happy on my own, I'm finally my own person. I talked about loving yourself before you can love others — I've done that, so I think I'm ready for a new relationship. But every time I meet someone new I connect well with, I suspect his intentions.

I know it sounds cliche, but it became easier to just build a wall around me. Whenever I get close to someone, I react by recoiling to my shell. I take one step forward, then leap two steps back. I'm stuck in that deep hole of fears created by my paranoia. Only because I know how love can demolish someone. I remember losing my appetite, my passion and my drive. I remember sobbing, I remember days when no one was there for me. I remember feeling afraid. So, so afraid. 

Once you fall in love with someone, once you've really loved that person, you're just no longer the same after that. You grow afraid of love because you know what love can do to someone. You're afraid to fall because falling means giving someone the opportunity to hurt you yet trusting that he won't. You're afraid to trust, because trust means you are vulnerable.

My family hails from Malaysia and it’s not surprising that I’ve been to Malaysia more times than my fingers and toes can count. With favourable exchange rate between SGD and Ringgit, there’s an influx of Singaporean travellers to Malaysia, especially Penang. Penang has the best of both worlds — food, and a relatively slower pace of life compared to Kuala Lumpur. But there’s only so many times you can go to Georgetown, take photos with murals until Penang gets boring. Here are the 7 other things you do in Penang the next time you travel, as recommended by my Penangites relatives.

1. Travelling funfairs

Travelling funfairs in Penang

Pasar malam in Singapore? London Christmas market? Pfft. Why settle for our tiny night markets or travel all the way to European countries when you can easily find funfairs right next door? Like most of Malaysia, Penang frequently has travelling funfairs complete with pirate ships, giant ferries wheels, flying chairs etc.

Travelling funfairs in Penang

Even if you don't have an adventurous soul, these travelling funfairs make a great place for Insta-worthy photos.

Because the fun fairs are constantly moving around Malaysia, it's best to do a quick Google search for the next funfair before booking your flight tickets.

2. ESCAPE Adventureplay

If you find yourself reminiscing the good ol' days of school camps, gather your friends for a round of adventure in Penang!

ESCAPE Adventureplay

Hosted in a forested area, ESCAPE Adventureplay is heaven on earth for thrill seekers who want a taste of zipling between the trees, crawling in underground caves or rock climbing on a building.

ESCAPE Adventureplay

Little kiddos can have their fair share of fun too — ESCAPE Adventureplay has a fair share of educational games for the younger ones and mildly adventurous activities for tweens.

One full day of adventure at ESCAPE Adventureplay only costs RM83 for adults and RM55 for children 4 to 12 years old.

ESCAPE Adventureplay

Address: 828 Jalan Teluk Bahang,  11050 Penang, Malaysia
Email: info@escape.my
Telephone: +60 4 8811 106
Opening Hours: Tuesday to Sunday 10am to 6pm, closed on Monday

3. Catching sunrises at Gurney Drive

Gurney Drive sunrise

Gurney Drive is home to a stretch of expensive housing estate along Penang, but it's also becoming increasingly common to catch sunrise-chasers there waiting for the golden hour. Its calm waters reflects the rising sun painting Penang a vibrant orange, making Gurney Drive one of the best sunrise spots in Penang.

Gurney Drive Hawker Centre

Go fill your tummy with some Penang delights before the sun rises! Mere minutes away from the sunrise spot lies Gurney Drive Hawker Centre, the biggest street food hawker in Penang. Although a popular tourist destination, Gurney Drive Hawker Centre, undeniably, serves some of best Penang food like rojak and char kway tiao.

Gurney Drive Hawker Centre

Address: 172, Solok Gurney 1, Pulau Tikus, 10250 Jelutong, Pulau Pinang, Malaysia
Opening Hours: 4:30pm to 11pm daily

4. Clan Jetties Of Penang

Clan Jetties Of Penang

Clan Jetties Of Penang is a cluster of 8 rustic, floating houses — each house belonging to a family with a different surname. Some of the houses have been converted to hostels for travellers while others remain residential homes. Tan Jetty, in particular, is now a popular restaurant where patrons can admire the sunrise while enjoying some kickass Thai food.

Clan Jetties Of Penang

Penang has gorgeous sunsets, period.

Tan Jetty Thai Food Restaurant

Address: 56A, Pengkalan Weld, George Town, 10300 George Town, Pulau Pinang, Malaysia
Opening Hours: 11am to 2pm, and 5pm to 10pm daily

5. Snake Temple, Penang

Snake Temple, Penang

Located near Penang International Airport, Snake Temple is a unique Taoist temple with actual living snakes slithering around. Snake Temple was built in 1850 in memory of Chor Soo Kong, a buddhist monk who occasioanlly gave shelter to snakes living in the jungle nearby. The snakes began appearing at the temple on their own after Chor Soo Kong passed away and, subsequently, the renovation of Snake Temple.

Although there are fewer snakes now compared to the past, the temple remains one of the strangest temples around the world.

Snake Temple

Address: Jalan Sultan Azlan Shah, Bayan Lepas Industrial Park, 11900 Bayan Lepas, Pulau Pinang, Malaysia
Opening Hours: 6am to 7pm daily
Entrance Fee: RM5 for adults, RM3 for children

6. Penang Street Food

Forbes named Penang as one of the top 10 cities in the world with the best street food — understandly so, if you've tasted Penang delicacies. Why else would Singaporean restaurants try to mimic the Penang taste, at five times the price?

Penang Street Food

Fortunately, Penang is lined with amazing street food every corner you turn at affordable prices that will not hurt your wallet. If you're looking for Penang hawkers with more variety of food that you can share with your lunch kakis instead of a specialised coffee shop, Genting Cafe and Chulia Street Hawker Stalls both have their fair share of delicious and cheap street food.

Genting Cafe, Penang

Genting Cafe

Address: Lorong Delima 3, Taman Island Glades, 11700 Jelutong, Pulau Pinang, Malaysia
Opening Hours: 7am to 5pm daily, closed on Wednesday

Chulia Street Hawker Stalls

Chulia Street Hawker Stalls

Address: Lebuh Chulia, George Town, Penang Island, Malaysia
Operating hour: 6pm to 11pm daily

7. Rest Well

Most travellers severely underestimate the importance of a good night's sleep when travelling. Travelling is tiring no matter your age because you want to wake up early and sleep late to explore the most of a city, especially one as vibrant as Penang. It's not called a retreat if you return home even more tired than before your holidays!

Secure a comfortable hotel room when you book Lexis Suites Penang online to ensure that you'll be recharged and ready for a day full of activities in Penang. Traveloka Malaysia is a hotel and flight booking site that gives users the assurance of secured transactions so you don't carry the burden of extra worries when you travel.

With Traveloka Malaysia, you can easily check your bookings online with a few taps on your smartphone. Traveloka Malaysia also has the most competitive hotel and flight prices in Southeast Asia!

很久很久以前，听过一种说法：“人与人之间的爱情只设定经营三年。”

质细想想，身边的朋友们，包含我在内，感情都在大约三年的时候开始变淡。
这样说来，每段恋爱的保存期限也只有三年啰？

三年后，感情是习惯还是爱，多数人也傻傻分不清。
有多少人还能毫无疑问地宣布，我爱他，我还是一样，不顾一切地爱他？

三年了，然后呢？
分手、劈腿、逼自己跟不愛的人相处一辈子？几年的关心换来无法摆脱的悲伤，值得吗？
不知道，也因为害怕知道，不想再谈恋爱。

现在的我只能希望，自己会遇见一位让我迟疑、让我克服恐惧感、让我想知道爱情是否规定萎、想寻找答案的他。
在那之前，觉得一个人风平浪静的过真的还不错。

There's no better teacher than pain — the first time, my heart and dreams were shattered; the second time, I felt pain in places I never knew was possible; subsequently, I edified myself to be good at goodbyes.

I know you’re thinking I’m heartless
I know you’re thinking I’m cold
I’m just protecting my innocence
I’m just protecting my soul

I’m never going to let you close to me
Even though you mean the most to me
‘Cause every time I open up it hurts
So I’m never going to get too close to you
Even when I mean the most to you
In case you go and leave me in the dirt

I’m way too good at goodbyes
No way that you’ll see me cry

I'm not a huge fan of English songs, but this song resonates with me.

I'm a solo budget traveller and hostels are my go-to whenever I need cheap accommodation. But my terrible experience with a mixed room with shared bathroom in a hostel in Taipei is where I draw the line. I could pay a little more for comfort and safety.

After checking in, I was uncomfortable upon learning that the bathroom is in the room — I had expected a gender segregated bathroom — but I could live with it. I thought. My experience was mortifying. Shavers, with hair from god knows where, left on the toilet bowl. Toilet paper stained with you-know-what left in plain sight. Hygiene standards? Sorry, what hygiene?

With the walls paper thin, I could hear every movement in the bathroom. Yeah, go figure. They also knew my every move, which made things awkward when I had to rip off my pad.

Additionally, males are, I'm sorry, less considerate. They often switch off and on the lights as they wish and make loud noises. If you're unlucky, you get a group of male friends travelling together. You know how males are around their friends — obnoxious. Loud chatters can be heard throughout the night as they nudge each other on doing stupid things.

Because most hostels have the option of females only or mixed dormitories, the mixed dormitories are dominated by males. I was a single female with five males in that room. It was slightly intimidating and my mom would have screamed bloody murder if she knew. Granted most of the males I spoke to were polite and merely wanted a cheaper accommodation alternative but I had better experiences with females-only room during my hostel stays.

Thankfully, as I continued travelling around Taiwan, I had better experiences in other mixed hostel rooms, thus slightly changing my initial stance about never booking a mixed room ever again. Will I stay in mixed room in the future? Yes, only if the bathrooms are gender segregated or at the very least, located outside of the mixed rooms.

(Read my full review of the hostel here.)

Morning, Narita! I stayed at 9 Hours Capsule Hotel in Narita Airport Terminal 2 because I had to catch an early morning flight to Taipei for work. Early morning flights will be the death of me and till today, I try to avoid morning flights as much as I can. I woke up at 5am to take a hot shower before checking out and heading to Narita Airport Terminal 3 for my 9am flight.

It was 2°C in Narita, but I decided to dress lightly because I expected Taipei to be ~20°C

Had to take a shuttle bus to Narita Airport's terminal 3 and people were giving me incredulous stares because of the way I was dressed — long sleeve top and jeans when everyone else was in several layers of huge coats.

12am.

I was there when at 14, 17, 20, 21... But never to listen to waves crashing against the shore, never on serene nights like that. I chattered endlessly for I was certain if I stopped speaking, someone would've heard my palpitating heart. I don't know why I agreed to something my usual cautious self would have never dreamt of. It seems that, no matter your age, heartbreaks turn you silly and mindless.

1am. 

I'm not sure when would our paths will cross again after that night, but meeting him reaffirmed my belief that we came from worlds apart. I liken us to two zigzag lines, crossing paths once in a while but deviating further after each time. That wasn't to say I regret him. I'd always be thankful I let him in, thankful he taught me so many lessons, thankful he allowed me to feel love again.

When his gaze met mine, everything felt the same. My world brightened up again, with just his pure existence.  But his arms are so used to someone else now that they felt awkward around me.

That night, I saw her — the girl I could never be. I hope she grows to love him as much as he adores her. I hope she loves him the way I wanted to. I hope she never breaks his heart. I still wish him happiness. All the happiness in the world that I wanted to, but couldn't, give.

2am. 

I'm too young to be having quarter-life crisis.
Have I made the right decisions that will lead me to become a better person?

I'm too old to be trying something new.
Every decision I made this year made a turn for the worse. I feel so inadequate and, in turn, scared.

3am. 

I spoke of my first love, my longest relationship. Our dates revolved around hanging out at the pathetic shopping mall near our school. We threw the word 'forever' around — didn't we all thought we'd marry our first love? The corner of your lips turned upwards, because you did too.

I don't remember how he tricked my shy teenage self into holding his hands, I don't remember how my heart probably went wild when we first hugged but I remember the location of our first kiss. The unromantic location, in hindsight, is the only reason my first kiss remained fresh in my memory.

How is he doing? I'd never know. It's true that your first love hurts you the most.

4am. 

What do you do when a girl's first supposed hero happened to also be a villain in disguise? I spent the first few years of my life tossing and turning in bed at night until he carried me down the streets of Clementi, teaching me to read signs with his limited vocabulary. 20 odd years later, I still battle insomnia daily; instead of him, now I seek solace in books and occasionally, laying words down side by side.

The night faded. Y2K, suddenly I was four again, the crybaby who was afraid of school. A gross mixture of mucus and tears smeared my face as I begged, "I don't wanna go to school." Those two hours in nursery felt like days; days grew into months, months into years. My desire to become a student 17 years later, ironically, became the cause of our most recent confrontation.

5am

It hit me when I took a whiff of his cologne.
Some things a girl never forgets.

6am. 

He was my second. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. What have I done wrong? I'm sorry. Speak to me. Tell me what's wrong. I will be better for you. I'm sorry. I'm begging you. Everything he took from me during the two years we were together... I closed my eyes and clenched my teeth. He returned my all — every bit of my heart, my love and my pride — with prevarication.

I never want to remember, but I always do. The sweet surprises, his first book out, nightly phone calls during his BMT, action movies I always fell asleep watching, every book in, his POP / POC / ORD. Then, words that stung more than the things hurled across the room, constant yelling, a broken phone on the floor, and the steep descent from  "you're my motivation"  to "I stopped trying to love you."

The waves got stronger as they attempted to cleanse me of my fears. Had I imagined it?
Hearts heal, but scars always remain.

7am. 

And then there's you.