My heart was beating wildly and I could hardly breathe.
I held my phone tight not wanting to miss your reply.
When my phone finally vibrated,
I was too scared to look at the screen.
I peeked a little then ignored your message.
I was terrified of what I was feeling,
And even more afraid of losing what we had.

I forgot all of those feelings.
I tried to change to please everyone,
Only to lose myself and what I felt.
I failed to remember my fears of losing you.
When I was trying to grow up,
I forgot who was by my side
And I let those memories slipped.

Yesterday,
They came flooding back.
The feelings. The fears. The joy. Everything.
He laughed and I fell in love with his laughter again.
We talked till we fell asleep in each other's arms.
Nothing had me feeling better than that.
As if I didn't bid goodbye,
Everything felt the same again.
Except even better this time.

Now,
I can say so for sure.
Now I can say this for real -
I love you.

You don't have to keep up with this facade in front of me anymore because I can honestly say I no longer give a fuck about your opinion of me. Once upon a time, you've had me in your game, trying to gain your approval. But you can only hurt so much before you get numb. And this is what I am now. Numb. Cold. Unfeeling.

I don't know how to feel anymore. I swore to never ever shed another tear over you again and I must say I've been doing a darn good job. But there are some days when memories of the past hit me like a bullet train. These are the days I lay in bed curled up like a ball, fighting back my tears.

I keep reminding myself of how gross you can be. That instead of protecting the people who adore you, you decide to join in and hurt them. Just because you don't want to be in that fight alone? Just because you couldn't find the strength to stand up for the people you love? Just because you're weak and you're a coward?

Yes, I am a bitch. Yes, I bitch a lot. Yes, I am very bitchy. But you know what? I'm still better than you in every possible way because at least I stand by my words. I don't go bitching about someone then acting like I've got no problem with them. I'm not ashamed of what I said and I can give you a long, lengthy, detailed explanation on why I did what I did, but I won't. Because you're not worth my time. AT ALL.

You, on the other hand, should be ashamed. If you want to be a bitch, I invite you to be a better bitch than me. Don't hide behind that wall of security. Don't follow the opinion of others just because you don't have your own. Stop being so insecure and stop putting others down so that you can feel better about yourself.

With Chinese New Year round the corner again, I'm getting more and more stressed out. Even before the obligatory yearly visits, I already know what are the questions I should be expecting.

"How old are you?"
"Where are you studying?"
"What course are you in?"
"Do you have a boyfriend?"
"Where's your boyfriend?"
"How come haven't grow taller?" (I actually find this rather amusing wtf)

And the one I dread the most...
"Why don't you talk more?"

I've always been this awkward and shy cousin since young but I always felt the need to talk and try to fit in because my father has always told me, "you need to be more social."

I always thought I was abnormal because I hated what most people seemingly loved to do. 

But now that I've grown up, I know that we all have different comfort levels and for me, I'm just not a people person. I get anxious in crowds, I get panic attacks when I'm around too many people I don't know. I prefer to keep my thoughts to myself because I don't have the nicest thoughts but people only like to hear nice things about themselves. So just because I'm quiet doesn't mean I'm unhappy. 

Maybe I'm quiet because I don't understand your language (my paternal family speaks in Singaporean hokkien while I only understand Malaysian hokkien). Maybe I'm quiet because I don't find the need to make small talk with the people I'm only gonna see once a year. Maybe I'm quiet because after a whole day of socialising, I just want a moment to myself to relax and recharge.

I'm a bit fickle-minded on the Chinese tradition to do house visiting. I love visiting my relatives but I don't like having to do PR with the other relatives that I don't even know existed just for the sake of it. Yes, I love the angpaos I'll be getting (hey at least I'm honest) but I hate the dressing up to impress people you'll never see till the next CNY, the exchange of social pleasantries, the CNY greetings that you don't mean, and the fake smiles.

On the other hand, but I will do it if you are special to me. I don't like people assuming that I would/wouldn't want to socialise. I'm rather capricious on this I guess. Let me break it down to you.

1. I don't mind socialising with my friends' family or having a gathering with the friends of my close friends occasionally because I know there are some occasions whereby there is an absolute need for this. I don't like being excluded with the excuse of "oh, because I thought you were awkward." Nice try wtf. Thankfully, none of my friends are like this and I'm grateful for that. (People guilty of this: ex-boyfriends)

2. I don't mind socialising, but not when you give me a notice at the eleventh hour. I need time to prepare myself, I need to rest a few days before and after socialising, I need to brace myself for that day (wtf). I hate it when I'm informed at the last minute and I have no choice but to attend the social event. It usually turns out better than expected but I'm a nervous wreck before that and I don't like it.

If I bother to try socialising with the people around you, it really shows how much you mean to me but if you don't help me or see the effort I'm putting in then I'm sorry, but it will never happen again.

I don't like people much - be it hanging around them or just people in general - and I'm okay with that. I don't understand why do people make a huge deal out of it.

Despite the setbacks and hiccups along the way, I think 2015 has been great thus far. My new year resolution was to love myself more and it seems like it's working out up to this date; I'm finding myself in a much better place than I used to be. Although it's only February and I don't want to jinx anything yet, it seems like this is the year I finally learn to let go, allow myself to grow stronger and become more confident.

I'm still over-sensitive sometimes and I still hurt easily but I find it so much easier to bounce back up and get my life together again. I cry, but I let go of things that don't belong to me. I'm insecure, but I learned that it's fine to to poke fun at yourself sometimes. I hurt, but I get over it. I feel bad about my body, but I accept that I'll never be perfect. I feel sad, but I move on. I'm not okay all the time, but I've learnt that it's okay to not be okay.

I've lost lots of friendships in 2014 and even in the earlier parts of 2015. I'm still bothered when I get reminded of the good times we shared or randomly think of them. It still disturbs me to no end and it's still painful, but it's a lesson learnt. I don't, and can't, deny that these people still hold a place in my heart but I will always be wary of them

Looking back, maybe I haven't lost much after all. I'm definitely not the best person alive but I dare say I'm a good friend. They lost someone who's willing to stand up for them no matter the circumstances, someone who's loyal, someone who never leaves her friends in the lurch. Sometimes I ask myself, what did I lose? 

I've tortured myself with those memories and mourned for long enough. I've spent nights crying because I was confused, lost and hurt. I've tried to mend things only to hurt myself in the process. Now it's really time for me to move on. Not just friendships, but also basically everything else that isn't working out in my life. It's time for me to let go of people and things that don't belong to me.

In 2015, I aim to finally be brave enough to put an end to all toxic activities and cut all toxic people out from my life. No more holding on to memories and falling in love memories instead of people/things. The fact is that memories don't change, pictures stay the same but people grow and sometimes we just don't recognise them anymore.

I'm still learning to stop looking back and just look forward to the future. Hopefully 2015 will be a good teacher. I can do this. I can do this! :-)

Two years ago, I chanced upon a song and downloaded it because I liked the tune of it. When he enlisted and we became closer, the same song randomly played in my playlist one day. This time, I fell in love with the song, almost as much as I fell for him. Almost. I replayed the song so many times it came up as the most played song in my playlist within a week.



I took comfort in every word in this song. Every line spoke so much to me. I soaked in the song for months, even after we got together because I couldn't believe how blissfully happy I was. I don't think any song would have described things better.

We were both individuals who got so hurt in our last relationship so much that we didn't want to get into another one. He once told me he doesn't believe in love and I said I don't believe relationships at this age can last. I knew that he couldn't give me any assurance but I have never felt happier or more secured than that. We were apprehensive, we were confused but we were in love. And so, we took the plunge.

I remember that night like it was just yesterday. I reached his house at around 11pm because he booked out late. Digressing a little, throughout our relationship, this seems to always happen whenever we're meeting after he books out. So much that, though frustrated at times, I joked that SAF hates me. I wish I realised the value of that moment. I wish I could still make the same joke.

When I reached his house, he treated me like a princess. He bought some snacks in case we get hungry, my favourite drink and Kinder Joy (because he thought my favourite chocolate is Kinder Joy but it's actually Kinder Surprise). I still keep the toy from that chocolate. We played a few songs on my phone and he commented that he liked the songs I had. He was so worn out after a long day but still stayed up accompanying me and we watched Rapunzel on my laptop for a while before going to bed.

I watched him sleep but I couldn't fall asleep no matter how hard I tried. Was it the new environment or was it because I was afraid I would lose that moment if I sleep? Was it because I screwed up my body clock or was it because I was scared of screwing up what we had? I'll never find out.

I stayed up the whole night texting a close friend, telling her all my fears. What if he turned out like my ex? What if the beautiful friendship we shared turned into a disaster because of a mistake? What if we weren't meant to be after all? What if he changed his mind? What if he cannot handle who I am? What if what if what if? I had so many things running through my mind that it was impossible to keep track of them.

To say that I was terrified would be an understatement.

But was it worth it? Yes, yes and yes. It was worth more than everything. I wouldn't trade what we had for anything else in the world. He gave me whatever little time he had, he made me so happy, so pampered, so spoilt, it hurts to even think about it. Have you ever experienced constant sharp stinging sensations in your heart? Yeah, it's that kind of pain. I loved every single second spent with him and I can't imagine giving up on what we had.

Chancing upon this song again more than a year later brings back so much memories. Did we really forget how we used to be or did we try to forget because it's easier than talking about it and working things out? We used to be so in love, so eager to spend time with each other. I kept doing the things I did for him before we got together so that I would never take him for granted? But what happened in between? Hard as I tried, I still couldn't prevent shit from happening.

Is this how love always ends up? Because I have never seen a happily ever after in my whole life. I know I love him. I loved him with the whole of my heart, I loved him with everything I had. They say to keep someone, you have to keep chasing. I never stopped trying, never took things for granted. But things still changed. I have tried my best and I know there was nothing I could have done to stop this. If this is love, then was the momentary happiness worth the pain?

He never knew why was this song so important to me but if he reads this eventually, he will.

I hardly talk about such personal matters online but I'm so so so disappointed that I don't even know what to feel or say anymore. I just need an outlet to vent right now.


Anyone can be a father, but not everyone can be a dad and the man I know sure as hell isn't one. The father I came to know is someone who's so selfish, so cowardly, so materialistic.

To you,

Don't tell my aunt that you miss me, my brother or the life we used to have when you're unwilling to do anything to amend your mistakes. I may have only been eight when the divorced got finalised, but I remember every single thing you did to us. You can say that my mom brainwashed us, which was what you've been feeding to us since we were kids, but I know. I saw, I heard, I know. I know the truth.

I remember how heartless you were, even when my aunt knelt down and begged for you to not proceed with the divorce with my mom. I remember how you bribed my brother into telling you what happened during our visit to the lawyer's. I remember you turning your back on my mom just so you could get the kids, NOT because you love us but because you wanted our names to get the house. I remember you faking your pay so that you can give us less alimony. There's so many more things you did that I will not list out just to save you a little face.

Despite all of this and more, I forgave you. When you told my aunt how much you miss the life we had to the extent that you'd drive back to our old house to look back at the memories, I told myself that you're getting old and perhaps it's time I let things go. I told myself that I will not subject myself to this torture and I would let things go if you are willing to change.

In spite of the terrible things you did to us and the things you said about my mom, she never failed to tell me about your excitement when I was born. I remember all the things I mentioned here and for the very same reason, I decided to forgive you. You once loved us, so you can do it again if you want to.

If you want to.

You allowed your worldly possessions to get the better of you once again. I spent nights rushing through assignments so that my weekends will be freed to visit you. My brother cancelled plans with his friends. We could have been doing much more productive things. We treated you like a dad, initiated spending weekends with you, and socialised with your family no matter how much we hate socialising. The sad thing is you didn't see us as your kids. If you did, you wouldn't just burn a bridge like that.

I'm 19 and I've seen a lot more things that you think I have. But never have I seen any father remotely treat his kids the way you treated us. As if we were properties that require monthly maintenance. As if we want nothing but money from you. Why should we treat you like a dad if you don't treat us like your kids?

Even if we want money from you, why don't you ask yourself why do we behave this way? Ask yourself if you honestly think your $500 per month is enough for the both of us? My brother, who is going through puberty, can spend up to $20 a day just on eating. That's already $600 per month. Transport fees? Miscellanies stuff? What about me? Do I survive on air? If you had a heart and you really loved us, would you bear to see us struggle financially?

When you decide to not be a dad to me, I hope you realised how much you damaged me. My mom can work hard, try to be both parents to my brother and me but the fact is that we still needed a fatherly figure in my life. Did you know how happy you made my brother when you taught him how to style his hair? That's something my mom could have never taught him.

Don't tell my mom to ask me to stop dating when all I'm looking for is the love you failed to give me. All my relationships, my partners found me childish and treated me like a kid. Why? I looked to them as protectors - the role you were supposed to take. Of course, nobody can ever replace that role and because you have proven to me yesterday that you're still not willing to take up that role, I will be my own protector. I will be independent. I will show you that I don't need you to survive or do well.

You can say I don't respect you as a father but the truth is respect needs to be earned. You can say whatever you want about my mom, about my brother, about me but I don't care anymore. I'm no longer giving you the power to hurt me. I'm taking that privilege back.

I no longer care and because of that, you can no longer hurt me. Before yesterday, I always told my mom, my aunt and my brother that I can never be as heartless as you. Yes, in spite of all the things I heard about you and how money-minded I know you are, I said that when you're old and fragile one day, I'll still help you out and give you money because you're my dad. That I'll still be there for you when you're sickly. That I still love you. But not anymore.

You can say I'm not filial but I know the truth and my mom knows the truth. I respect and love her more than anything else in the world because she has done so much for me. Can't say the same for you, sadly.

I don't think I can ever see you in the same light again after you chose to leave me in the lurch yesterday. Don't tell me your sob story - I know how much you earn per month, I know you had a choice. And you chose money over me once again. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

I'm sorry but I'll never be able to bring myself to call you daddy.

---

My father can't read but he has family members who can. If any of you ever read this and decide to pass the message to him, please also tell my father that after yesterday, I don't want to hear him telling anyone that he misses us or that we don't have him in our hearts. It grosses me out to know what kind of hypocrite he is. That he can make it sound like we don't see him as a dad when he doesn't bother to try and act like one to us.

I gave him a chance, I tried to mend things. I made conversations with him, my step-mother, my baby sister even though I hate small talks. I gave it a shot but he proved to me that I am worth nothing in his eyes. I wasn't even worthy of a return call. I left him six missed calls in two days. None was returned. When he finally picked up my call, he promised to call back at night. He didn't. But it was nothing, I'm used to his antics anyway.

It was the fact that he gave me false hopes that maybe I could still have a fatherly figure in my life. I cannot even begin to tell you how much it sucks to know that I'm not worth anything to him. Tell him to man up and reject me directly if he thinks that our kinship is not worth that amount. I wasn't asking for much, I just wanted a little to help out with my situation. But it's fine, at least now I see what kind of person he is.

I have lived without his significant presence in my life for the past six years and I can go another 60 years without him. I'm fine without him in my life. So is my brother. Please tell him to don't ever come back in our lives or give us false hopes when he doesn't plan to be a dad to us.

Just stop. It's disgusting.