Low self esteem.

May 20, 2013

I have never been overweight all my life but I spent years having issues with my weight and body. Whenever I speak about this to people, they'll say something like "nonsense, you are already so skinny." But the truth is this: I feel fat a lot. A lot more than I know I should. 

During puberty, while everyone was busy eating more and gaining height/weight, I was trying to prevent myself from eating because I feel self-conscious about it. I felt that people were judging me whenever I bought food. Instead of starving myself, I simply skipped lunch and had an early dinner. I was going through puberty and I was so fucking hungry all the time but I forced myself to not eat any staple food because of the high amount of carbs they have. This continued all the way till the starting of sec 2. 

In sec 2, I started being okay with my body again and I became more confident. Buying food in public was no longer a fear for me even though I still preferred to have someone buying my food for me. I had three meals a day. I ate more and more and I was hungry all the time. Fortunately, during this time of binge eating, I didn't grow overweight. However, the period for growth spurt was over and I never got mine, probably due to my unhealthy eating habits during puberty period. 

Come sec 3, the self-esteem issues started again. I love food and I wasn't ready to give it up. But eating three meals per day got me started on weighing myself almost every week; I was obsessed with not gaining weight. I started eating irregularly again during sec 4 when my timetable was too packed and I often skipped dinner. 

Presently, eating two full meals (lunch and dinner) per day is still a challenge for me as my stomach probably got used to only one meal per day. More often than not, I'm not able to finish even one bowl of rice by myself. I never really gotten over my weight issues and there are still times when I feel like I'm not skinny enough but at least it's no longer to the extent that I refuse to eat proper food for days just because some of my friends call me fat jokingly. 

Besides having to deal with my weight issues, I am also uncomfortable with the way I look. I feel ugly. Whenever someone praises me about my looks on my ask.fm I feel like they are lying and trying to make me feel better. I constantly feel like I'm not good enough and that sucks.

There are some better days when I feel that I look average but others, I just feel like an ugly duckling. I am unhappy with every part of my face and I cannot find something about my appearance that I like. My hair is so flat. My eyes are too small and my nose too big. My lips are too thick and my teeth is crooked as fuck. I know some of you are going to tell me to be grateful that I even have a proper face but it's not that I'm not grateful. It's just that sometimes I wish to have another person's face. 

Maybe one day, I'll be able to get over these issues and stop having such low self esteem. 
And hopefully, I'll find someone who loves me despite my imperfections. 
Hopefully. 

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3 comments

  1. Other's opinion of you doesn't mattet because at the end of the day, these people aren't going to stand by you when you've difficulties. They might even say bad things about you. I'm sure you can get over this nightmare. 加油!����

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  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  3. Oops, i had a typo error! Should be 'doesn't matter'😅

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