Nothing like us.

May 14, 2013

All I ever wanted was for someone to fight for me, and to treat and love me right. I don't think it was too much to ask for but I was disappointed time and again. And I thought that if I became the perfect girl he always wanted, he'd eventually give me what I deserved. I tried so hard that I lost myself eventually. I put in my utmost effort to maintain this relationship but it's time I stop trying, stop telling myself that things will change. It's time I stop clinging on to this relationship just because it's familiar, just because I'm afraid of change. 

Exactly three months ago, I blogged about our big break up (link). I've always been dependent on ZhengLei, and I spend 80% or even more of my time with him. But being in different polytechnics forced me to be independent, which, ironically, is what he had always wanted me to be. I caught up with old friends and made new ones. School kept me busy with projects after projects, tests after tests. I started to realise that I can stand individually on my own. I suddenly found the strength and happiness, even without him. 

Just as I was about to fully detach myself from him, I received a text from him last night that touched me. It was a painful struggle for me. I could give this relationship another shot but risk getting hurt again; we had tried to start over lots of times throughout our relationship and the same problems arise. But this time it felt different... I felt that maybe, just maybe this time could be different. Then again, there are plenty of issues that are still unsolved. 

Another choice was to completely let go. I won't deny it, I desperately want to go back to his warm embrace. It has been so long since someone hugged me tight and I miss the feeling of knowing that somebody misses you. I did not want to waste effort we had put in for so long. Yet this was the only time throughout the two years that I felt the strength to let go. If I don't make use of the courage I have currently, I really don't know how I can let go in the future if we don't work out again. 

I stayed up thinking about our past. Honestly, I don't know if I can ever find someone like that anymore. We were comfortable with each other; too comfortable, to the extent of us neglecting each other. I really thought that we were compatible for each other, but that's the past now. The only reason I couldn't find the courage to walk away sooner is the beautiful time we had right at the beginning of our relationship. It would have been great if we could work it out but I think we have been dragging and trying to repair it for way too long. 

Part of me feels relieved yet another part of me feels like something's missing. I hope I'll get used to this soon. I'm very afraid of missing him though. I'll need plenty of distractions to keep myself from those flashbacks and I hope that my friends will be there for me.

Whatever it is, I've made my choice. 
Freedom, here I come.

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