This is goodbye.

October 04, 2014

I haven't spoken to a single soul about this, which is rare because I bitch to the people around me probably 24/7, because I really wanted you to salvage this. I said you because I have done my part but it takes two hands to clap, two people to maintain a friendship.

I thought long and hard before posting this. Partly because I care so much about what you feel and also because I know if I post this, I'll have to be hard-hearted, stick to my words and stop trying. And you, you mean too much for me to just walk away like that.

I get that you are busy but it has came to a point whereby I don't feel important anymore. Maybe you have new friends now, and maybe I don't matter as much as I used to anymore. But it's not about whether I'm the closest friend around you or the friend who hangs out with you the most. It's not a competition and I don't wish to compete.

All I asked for was a little of your time yet you disappointed me time and again. All I wanted, genuinely wanted was to resume the close friendship we shared and I guess my biggest mistake was assuming that you felt the same.

I don't think I can get more disappointed than this and my mind's in a freaking mess right now. Do you remember how close were we one, two years ago? You knew everything about me and stood by me through the bad times.

You were understanding and helped me see both side of things. You someone knew everything about me, sometimes even before I knew things myself. You saw things I couldn't see, and maybe that's why I loved hanging out with you. You were like my another pair of eyes, like an elder sibling I never had. I always thought this friendship would last a lifetime.

As we got busier with school, we stopped talking as much. I kept you updated with my life although you don't reply sometimes. Even so, I still felt a surge of excitement whenever I see you around and we get whatever little time we have to catch up. The five to ten minutes would make my day as I have a ton of things to tell you because you are such a good confidant. And when I listen to you tell me about your life happenings, I'm glad you still find me important enough to update me, even if it's only a few minutes in several months.

Thinking back, I don't know much about you at all since the new school year. Your (now ex) boyfriend, your break up, your school life, you quitting school etc. I had to find these out via social media or from yourself months later. I don't deny that I felt forgotten and left out sometimes. But I tried to understand. I really did.

The recent events, however, made me feel that I've lost my special place in your heart. I don't wish to elaborate on a public platform but I wish you would at least give me a chance to explain how I feel.

"Eh, meet up during the holidays ah," you would say. That's how we always ended our conversations but it always turned out to be false hopes. Maybe others will call me clingy but the way I see it, all I wanted was to stay a relevant part of your life. They can say whatever they want but nobody can say I didn't give my very best shot.

I don't know what to say about you anymore and I don't think I can continue writing without bursting into tears. Friendship work both ways and I think there's only so much I can do. When the other party doesn't bother replying messages or sticking to their words, I think the only thing I can do now is to let it go, let it go, turn away and slam the dooooooor. Lolol.

If you ever chance upon this, you will understand why I stopped trying. But my door is still always opened for you, just so you know. And if you never read this, it's fine as well. I just hope you wonder about me sometimes.

This is goodbye. 

You will always hold a special place in my heart. Always.

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2 comments

  1. girl, take it easy!

    ReplyDelete
  2. we shed skins and lose a part of us to grow

    ReplyDelete