So as promised, I'm gonna do a post on self-esteem/secrets. I've never been confident about my looks, and sometimes even what I wear. I just think that I'm not good enough. I seldom have days whereby I wake up and think, "oh, today's a brand new day and it's gonna be a great one." I get emotional easily and cry a lot. I do stupid things and I can't get over them. I try to be nice to everyone but sometimes it just doesn't work out. I find flaws with myself a lot. It's scary how I try to change myself and become someone I'm not. I'm a perfectionist - I hate it when things don't turn out the way I wanted them to. I have irrational fear of the darkness, heights, pain and needles. I eat a lot. I don't like drinking plain water.

It's not that I am not grateful of how I look, because I am.
But sometimes I just wish to be someone else.

Maybe I will marry someone in the future who will love my scars.
Who will love me despite me not being sexy and fashionable like kids these days.
Someone who accepts me for who I am, someone who understands.
I will marry someone who realize my flaws and still think I'm beautiful.

Everyone is.

I hope there is such a man out there.

The ones depressed don’t dress in black. The ones who believe they’re fat don’t announce it. The ones scared don’t scream. The ones struggling don’t show their scars. The ones hurting the most are the ones hidden.

Sometimes, having too many people around you isn't the best thing after all. For it means that there might be greater chances of getting hurt. If your intention is to watch how my life falls apart, simply just click on the play button. I just wanna say that, I don't love you anymore for it's much simpler than listing down every single reason why I still do. And I'll let go, cause it's better than to grasp on when I'm already starting to lose my grip for the fact that I'm the only one holding on. Goodbye, my love.

I actually went on a study date without my own textbook . You can only expect that from me , (laughs) .

You smile and say , "how are you?" I say , "just fine." i always forget to tell you I love you , I love you from the start . I love you forever .

These couple of weeks made me realise how much of a crybaby I am . So many changes have been happening around the people I'm with . And sometimes , I find that it takes more courage than I already have , to come into consensus with these changes .

I used to think that I have control over my own life and emotions with my own decisions . But lately , it seems that many decisions have already been made for me . And all I can do , is nothing but to accept and live with these decisions .

I really hate this situation . Every beating pulse in my veins is resisting this .

I would hate to spend every minute of your absence counting down to your return . I would hate to still feel like holding on to you so much even though I understand impermanence .

I am not sure if I can do this .

Adapting is a bitch .

Every teacher that walked into class reminded us that our target this year is not to pass the EOY . Our final destination is the big letter O . All these talks are stressing me out and I'm seriously wondering if I can even make it .

Guys , don't tell us that we're your favourite girl , or that you love us just the way we are . Learn from Taio Cruz . If you're only gonna be a jerk and break our hearts , please inform us first .

Dear God , for my birthday this year , can I have

Lesser tears ,
Bigger smiles ,
Better health ,
Truer happiness ,
More opportunities ,
More courage ,
More intelligence , and
Greater strength .

Can you also grant me with the ability to make the right choices and to befriend the right people ? Oh , it sounds awesome to have a sturdy shoulder to lean on , and of which I can devour security from too . Hahaha .

I haven't exactly been good this year though . I've made far too many mistakes.
But I promise I'd be good .

DaddyGod , you will grant my wishes , won't you ?

-

On a side note , thanks to everyone to wished me a happy birthday :) .

Before 12am ,
MayEe , Mommy , Papa , Freddie , BenjaminKwek , Desmond , Jade , Minghao .

12am ,
BenjaminKo (first) , Belinda , Siwen , Yihong , Yingying , AlvinW. , Siying , Eason .

After 12am (Text/MSN) ,
Songtat , Michelle , Jade , Zoey , Abel , Kahheng , Weixuan , GabrielT , Sandra , Cherine , Daniel , Wenting , Chrislyn , Ervin , Haslam , Shujuan , Jacky , Vernon , Lywei , Evangelyn , Jonathan , Wanyi , Mildred , Geraldine , TiffanyG , Xueying , Dion , Zanth , Mingfong , Brandon , Zhiyun , Tsunhei , Elaine , Emma , Bernard , Tzeliang , GabrielY , AlvinN , Mrseah , VanessaS , Zulfiah , Peklim , Yongxin , Eugene , RaymondT , Uncle Martin , Brenda , Dolly , Minghwee , SabastianL .

(Facebook) ,
Zoey , MichelleC , Fanny , Yihong , MichelleE , Putri , Desmond , Kaikiat , Siying , Siyi , Chrislyn , Cherine , Douglas , Belinda , Joann , Jiaqi , Raihanah , Syaza , SharrieEe , Kahheng , Eason , Ah Boii , TiffanyY , GraceEe , JoanneL , Yan Ling , Gina , Qiyang , Jingkai , Jun Feng , BenedictB , Chin Hao , Tiffanie , Kirby , Tingyi , Weilun , Charmaine , Sijie , Jerald , Zhixiang (Pek) , Wenting , Renhao , Stanley , Melvin , Jiayu , AndreaT , Weitian , Liern , KimberlyO , Shixuan , JasonC , VanessaS , BenjaminL , Wei Zhi , Jasper , Huiping , CherlynY , RachelL , Shuwen , Sundram , Anna , ClaraL , Teckseng , Nayli , ShareenEe , Mars , Jiaan , Dionne , Rivany , Darius , Yeeying , VanessaK , Yilin (Koh) , Carmen , Deroy , Josephine , Max , Duncan , Weijie , Zhongsheng , Sharmas , Alecia , Jianhong , Yifeng , Denise , Jowell , BenH , Derick , Xinyi , Jiaying , May , Deanna , AlvinT , Wanyi , Valerie , AlvinW , Weiqi , Shujuan , Adrienne , Jamie , JonasL , Yuhui , Odessa , Zanth , Jainani , Corliss , Suxian , Afeeqa , Fahirah , Natalie , Siti , Tina , Siwen , Jiahui , Fazirah , Esther , Namreeta , Gracye , Praise , Weixuan , Yujie , Cheykai , Yongxin , Siti , Regene , Gabriel , ElaineT , Weijun , Yingying , Vernon , Xueying , TiffanyC , Joel , Crispayne , Nicholas , Shalyn , Viren , Yuxiang , Gigi , Annita , RaymondT , Junru , Cheokmeng , Louise , Wanqi , Amos , CharmaineN , Miss Loga , Yiling , XiaoJie , Grace , Sweekee , Qixiang , Kimberly , Jiayee , Limin , Xinhuan , CherylL , Jarvis , Syamil , Zhaozhen , Jeanie , Joslyn , VanessaL , Jinyee , Shinshin , Sarah , Dolly , Abigail , Xiuli , Booncheng , Megan , Charlene , Huixin , Freddie , Donovan , Dennis , Mattheus , Jolene , RachelT , RaymondC , RachelA , Faizal , Alas , Elise , Puaytiang .

(Formspring/Tumblr) ,
Michelle , Chrislyn , Wenting , Vanessa, Justin , & 51 other anonymous/passerbys (: .

(Twitter) ,
@bieburger , @FANNY_SHINKISS , @Yjcmz , @GigiTLX , @SIYIsays , @DESMONDVERYHIGH , @Yourlil_girl , @WentingR , @ShawnTiKToK , @JasonFGuy , @caralenexoxo @azaleaful , @JFJoey , @Yilinkoh , @ONGSHUJUAN , @KFCBieber , @FCJX

I've got a total of 312 wishes this year . I'm aware that some people wished on more than one place but I'm really lazy to go count how many people there are right now so yeah ... I wanted to do a dedication but my fingers are real tired so maybe next time (: .

-


Thankyou to my mommy dearest for today ♥♥♥

-Sometimes , I wish I could erase bits and pieces of the past . They haunt me till now . The people , the faces , the scent . The events , the touch , the places . Rain or shine , they haunt me till now . I waited the whole day for your text , but you didn't bother to send me any . Last year , you wished me at 12am on the dot . This year , you ignored me the whole day . Not even a happy birthday from you . Like I told you in my message , I miss the old you . The one who would tease me , joke with me , make me smile no matter how bad my day is , the only one I can share all my problems with , the one who can talk crap with me for countless number of hours . I really cherished what we had . I'd do almost anything to have you back . I miss you .