Every year I become older, and hopefully become a little wiser.

I turned legal in 2014 and it's almost as if this was a reason for people to start stepping all over me and pushing me when I'm down. Last year has been relatively blissful for me but this year has been the complete opposite.

I learnt so much more about humans this year than I ever did in my life. So many people opened my eyes and disappointed me in the process. The people I thought I knew turned into complete strangers, the people I held close to my heart didn't feel the same, the people I thought would stay in my life left.

I've always been an emotional girl, more so this year. So many times I found myself crying and not letting anyone know. So many times I've asked myself, who would cry or miss me if something bad happens to me. I don't wish for 2015 to be a good year anymore, I just wish that I can get through this alive.

Nonetheless, 2014 has been a wild but amazing ride. Despite the bad decisions I made and the bad things that happened, I never regretted anything I did. The only regret I have is not doing the things I could have done when I had the chance.

I know that in the end these bad decisions will only make good stories and hopefully one day I'll look back and laugh. I rather make stupid decisions than regret the chances I didn't take in years to come. I rather regret my decisions because of the consequences than regret never trying when I had the chance to.


Therefore, in 2015, I'm gonna take chances, be braver and live for myself. May I never have to regret the chances I didn't take, the love I didn't let in and the gifts I never gave.

Happy (advance) new year, y'all.

Today, I looked into the mirror and received such a huge shock.

I can no longer recognise the girl I see. Instead, I saw someone who permanently has sadness in her eyes. I saw someone with tears welling up in her eyes, looking like she can break down anytime. I saw someone so tired, so filled with pain. I saw someone who hates the world she lives in. I saw a girl questioning her existence every damn day.

That's not the girl I know; that's not the person I wanted to grow up to be. The kid I was ten years ago would be so so so ashamed of who I am today. But I feel sad for her too. That one day she'll realise the scariest things in the world are not the monsters under her bed but the people around her. That one day she'll grow up to learn that the world is not full of hope like she has imagined.

I'm too unguarded in this dog-eat-dog world. I'm so vulnerable and people make use of that. I trust too much, especially when I feel like I know someone. More often than not, I'm wrong - I don't really know that person at all, I only got tricked because I was too naive and I believed the lies people told me. It's not fair that the people who care the most are those who get hurt the most. But what do you know, the world isn't fair anyway.

I don't wish to turn cynical because of these few people I met but the recent happenings showed me that I need to be more distrusting and more suspicious of everyone, even the people I hold close to my heart.

Not everyone who's nice to you is your friend, and sometimes the sole purpose of people coming into your life is for them to have the power to hurt you. I learnt that some people do that just because they enjoy practicing this power. They take delight in the fact that you care and so they have the power to manipulate you. Humans can be so sick in the mind sometimes.

Too many expectations, nothing fulfilled, too many disappointments.
Too much on my mind, not enough time to think about them and sort my thoughts out.

I'm so sick of this life, so tired of my life.

I destroyed myself for people who would not give a second thought about hurting me.

When I'm sad, my first reaction is to shut myself down, push people away and keep everything to myself. And the problem never gets solved because I'm too afraid to face it, because I'm a coward.

I've been feeling like that a lot lately. So cowardly, so afraid of everything, so paranoid. I don't want to talk to anyone about anything or even let them know I'm not okay. But with everything crumbling down on me, I'm really not fine at all.

I would love to think that I'm cold hearted and unfeeling because at least I don't get hurt that way, but I'm not. Not even the littlest bit. Instead, I feel too much and I get hurt easily. I'm so sensitive that every feeling is amplified for me.

I wish I knew how to express my sadness, or whatever is this negative emotion I'm feeling right now that makes me feel so unmotivated and so isolated.

P.S. If you are still here despite my infrequent updates, thank you. I'm working on this, I promise. If you have left me encouraging messages, be it as a comment, on askfm, or even an email, know that you are my motivation and you have no idea how much I appreciate this. I don't deserve any of this love at all. You are all amazing, thank you so much from the bottom of my heart.

One thing about putting myself out here online is that people feel like they have the right to insult me and that I should accept those insults gracefully. They tell me I deserve it because I chose this.




Imagine yourself walking on the streets one day. Then people start hauling insults at you.

"Ugly!"
"Fat!"
"EW."
"Gross!"

When you confront them, their reason is that you came out of your house, you put yourself out there in the shopping centre. Therefore, you should be able to handle insults being thrown to you at the shopping centre.

Or you crossing the road one day and a car runs over you. The driver gets away scot-free because you deserved it. You put yourself out on the road when you could have stayed at home. If you didn't cross the road, nothing would have happened.

Sounds unreasonable? Exactly.

You are human and you have feelings, so what makes you think I'm special? Just because I put myself out there, just because I'm open with my life online? Why is insulting someone online and offline different? Just because you're hiding behind a computer screen?

Or because you can use a moniker and nobody knows your identity? Just because you are anonymous doesn't mean you don't have to be responsible for your words. You have to face the consequences of your words too. What if your words drive someone to suicide? You think you'll feel good about that? You think you can live with that for life?
 
I write a lot about what I think, and people use my insecurities against me. Does insulting me make you feel better? Because if it does, you must be a real insecure person yourself. You must be a real horrible person to want to inflict any kind of hurt on someone who already hates herself enough. But you know what, that's not gonna stop me from doing what I love. I write to feel better, and if these people want me to feel worse about myself, ALL THE MORE I'M GONNA FEEL BETTER.

I'm gonna feel so good that you can't find joy in my woes. I'm going to be fine with who I am. I'm going to be okay even if you try everything to bring me down. I hope you remember that if you are trying to bring me down, it only means that I am above you. And I will never stoop to your level.

1. All of my sadness root from only three causes.
     a) my fear of abandonment
     b) my lack of self-esteem
     c) my insecurities

2. Therefore, I'm the root of the problems I'm facing now. 
Here's the thing - I'm always afraid that I'm the cause of all the bad things that ever happen to me or the people around me. And I was right, it's my fault.

I think too much, read too much into things, I get jealous easily and I'm too paranoid. I find it extremely difficult to have healthy relationships/friendships because any little thing can set me off. I'm so afraid of people leaving me that I'd rather be antagonistic and just be on my own so that I don't have to face these fears.

I can never find it in me to even look someone in the eye when I meet them for the first time. I need reassurance all the time because of my paranoia. I hate myself a lot and question my existence daily. This isn't even a plea for attention anymore, it's me wanting to feel normal for once, to feel good about myself without assurance from people just for one moment.

I never think I'm good enough for anyone, which is why I'm so afraid of people leaving me. I'm so sensitive, I take everything as a personal insult. I constantly doubt myself, I try to fit in society's standard of perfection only to realise that I'm NOTHING like that at all. And that scares me, because how can anybody love this mess that I am?

Yes, I realised that I'm the one causing my own misery, I'm the source of the problems I created.

3. But I can change my whole life by just changing my outlook and the three causes mentioned above. 
Easier said than done perhaps, but I want to give it a try. It's not like I can just stop feeling this way, or that I can just get out of it. But I can at least give this a shot - try to get rid of the negativity and just be happy with who I am.

It's okay to feel shitty sometimes but I can't be like this forever. I'm almost 19 and I have NEVER EVER been happy with who I am. It's gonna be hard but I really want to feel optimistic and positive for once. I'm not sure how this will work out but I want to at least put in the effort to make a change in my life instead of being in this lump of uncertainty forever.

You.
I dreamt of you again.

I felt so utterly disgusted because you left and it should stay that way. Why are you still haunting me every night?

My first reaction when I woke up was to text you to tell you that I can't make it that day. That dream was so real, so vivid that I had a hard time trying to set the dream apart from my memories. The only reason I knew it was a dream is that we no longer talk like we used to so any form of contact between us is basically impossible at this moment.

When reality finally hit me, I was reduced to tears. Every damn night, I wake up feeling horrible because I know it's just a dream. But if my dreams are the only form of "communication" we have now... I guess I should be thankful.

On the other hand, do you see how pathetic this is? That I'm feeling contented over something that doesn't exist in this universe. Maybe an alternate universe does exist and hopefully, in that universe, I have made the right decisions. I know I've made too many mistakes in this universe. Too many times have I wished that time could rewind so that I can go back and make my life right. Too many times have I said the wrong things, reacted the wrong way.

It scares me. It fucking scares me how one very simple word I utter can change my whole life and how I'm often careless with my words. It's always the things I say or think that ruins me. I wish I could be smarter about that...

To my future self,

I don't know how old you'll be when you stumble upon this post but I hope you're finally happy. By happy I don't mean the temporary happiness you show just so your friends won't worry or the high you get when you build your happiness upon the people around you and they do something that pleases you. I really wish that you've finally started believing that you are worth it. That you deserve to be happy. That nobody should hate themselves the way you hate yourself at 18.

I hope you have found the courage to seek help for what has been troubling you for as long as you can remember. I hope you stopped feeling stigmatised and that you are getting whatever help you need. This is so hard to talk about because it's so sensitive but if you ever see this, I really really hope that you are getting better because that's not the case for me here.

When you stumble upon this post, I hope your memories bring you back to when you were a lost 18 year old teenage girl, just trying to find herself in this world. Do you remember being lost and not knowing who you are anymore? Because that's exactly how I'm feeling right now; I feel like I'm losing my identity.

At 18, I wish someone would care enough to ask what's up with me. But the funny thing is that I don't want just anybody to ask - it had to be the few people I had in mind. Obviously they just had to disappoint me by never bothering to find out and just labeling me as a nutcase. I can't decide who's stupider - them for not detecting there's something more to it or me, for caring about the people who don't care about me.

Of course, there are a few who asked but they are the ones who are here for the gossip. Then, there are the people I voluntarily opened up to. Mind you, it took me a few nights but I'm sure you are proud that I did. But these people just conveniently put aside my issues and didn't bother to understand more. I don't blame them though. Everyone is busy with their own lives so what makes me so special?

At times like these, I really hope you haven't lost your love for writing because it's the only thing that will be there for you. For now, this love is wavering but I know it'll rekindle somehow because it's the one of the only things I'm sure of.

I hope you've stopped obsessing over your weight or the measurements of your waist. I hope you've stopped hurting yourself and that those thoughts have left as well. I hope you've stopped being so sensitive and lingered on every word said to you for at least a week. I hope you've started valuing instead of abusing yourself. I hope you've stopped feeling so anxious about every single thing and just let loose and have fun sometimes. I hope you've started listening to half the advice you give others because admit it, some of them are quite awesome.

I hope you've found someone who calls you beautiful even in your darkest hours. Someone who loves you despite your intense moodswings or how crazy you can get. Someone who wipes away your tears and kisses your tears-stained cheeks when you feel nothing but terrible about yourself. Someone who's proud to show you off, someone who never makes you feel inferior.

I hope that someone makes you laugh so hard your stomach hurts and buys you soft toys no matter how old you are because of your indescribable love for them. I hope he never stops doing the things he did to get you and still pats your head just because it gives you butterflies in your stomach.

I hope you've stopped being so overly attached, and learnt to let things go. I know you are sooooo sentimental but there are just some people and some things that you have to let go of. Friends will come and go - good friends, close friends, whoever. I learned this through the hard way and I hope you remember those lessons.

I hope you remember that everyone is placed in your life for a reason and you should make that reason count. Yet, there are still times when I keep asking myself why and I can't seem to find an answer. It's during those times that I wish I have an answer from you, but don't spoil the surprise for me! Much as I'd love to find out, I guess there are some things that I have to learn on my own. :)

I have so much hopes for you in the future and everyone said that you have so much potential. I hope you don't listen to the insecure teenage voice in your mind and instead, believe in yourself the way they believed in you.

Love,
Your 18 year old self.

Call me slow but I just found out about the recent PSLE results release. Six years ago, I received my PSLE results in my school hall. I remember crying badly, sobbing my hearts out. I remember the whole school hall staring at me because most of my peers did well. I, on the other hand, did so much worse than expected that I couldn't make it to any of the secondary schools I marked out.

Then I made a silly decision. That I would go to the school that my then-crush was choosing. That I would follow all my friends since that was also the school most of them chose. That I would put Greendale Secondary School as my first choice. Damn, best decision ever.

When I chose Greendale, the cut off point was a mere 189. Nothing impressive at all but meh, my score wasn't anything impressive either. I entered knowing that I would be placed in the best class with my t-score a lot higher than the COP.

But what I didn't know is that at the end of my first year, I would drop to the third class and then to the last class in Sec 3. I wasn't even allowed to choose my subject combinations; they chose me and I was in a class with people I didn't like and the combinations I hate. Of course, I didn't do well and almost had to repeat a year.

But if I could turn back in time, would I have studied harder during PSLE and get into a better secondary school? No, definitely not. I don't regret any bit of my secondary school life and I can say that those experiences made me a much better person than I was.

So what if I get into the best secondary school and get great results but I don't know how to treat my friends or have never fallen in love? The experiences I gained from Greendale are life lessons no teacher could teach. I have friends from relatively good schools but they don't know the value of life.

The things they know revolve around scoring good results, getting high GPA, studying for tests. Never skipped a lesson in their life, never done well for practical tests. But life after school is all about applying what you learn; nobody cares if you scored a 4.0.

The teachers you have can't teach you how to keep people in your life or get over an heartbreak. They can teach you every subject possible but they can't teach you how to date or how to enjoy your youth.

How many times have I faked an MC to catch a movie, get suspended for my hair colour and go shopping instead? I don't regret these because it's part of growing up and finding myself. I was a rebellious teen and I learned things through the hard way.

If I had put dating aside, and focused on school, I wouldn't be so sure of the guys I want. I would have still been awkward around guys. I wouldn't be as open-minded as I am now. I would still be that frog in my own little well.

If I gave it my all during my secondary school years, would my teachers be worried about me? No, but I wouldn't be so close to any of them either because they wouldn't have a reason to pull me aside to talk to me. But today, I'm still close to most of the teachers because they were the ones who were there when I was weak.

If I put my studies first instead of my friends then, would I know the pain of losing a friend? Would I learn that pushing people away isn't going to make them stay? Would anyone tell me that the people I cherish would not be there forever?

If I had all the time in the world (aka 4 years but 4 years is a long period of time), would I have known how to study smart instead of hard? If I did things the "nerd" way, I would have gotten a single digit for O levels but will I cherish my place at Mass Comm this much? No, because I wouldn't have fought so hard for what I want.

I'm not saying that studies isn't important - it is. But what I'm saying is that there's more to life than just getting A(s) for your every test, and getting a good GPA. You are young, you should enjoy your teenage years before they end.

Therefore, let go of getting an A1 for everything, forget it if you didn't get into a good school. Do what you should, fail a little tests sometimes, don't do what you don't like, and most importantly, have fun.

Your secondary school years are going to be one of the best years of your life.

Good luck :-)

I ponder upon these words for the rest of the day. She said the words I've been wanting to say but could never find. She has been doing that for the past few days. Every single damn word that I could never speak, she spoke it for me.

Yes, I feel it too; I'm losing myself. I haven't updated in a while because I was trying to find myself and come to terms with who I truly am.

I'm so ashamed to admit that I've lost the motivation to write, and I only updated for the sake of doing it. It's not like I don't like writing anymore because I think I still do. But I can't find the words to express how I feel because I'm a fucking mess right now.

I feel like shutting down, giving up and not giving a fuck. I'm exhausted, I'm so close to just letting it all go. It's been so long since I last felt this way - this unmotivated, this afraid of facing the world. I feel like I can't do shit right anymore.

Trying to hard to hang on to whatever I can grasp but it seems impossible. I'm drowning, I can't feel myself anymore. Even breathing is so difficult.

The last few weeks passed by in a blur and looking back, I don't even know who am I anymore. Instead of being the introvert I always am, I'm actually stepping up to organise outings with big groups of friends just because. I have also plans to go out with a bunch of people I haven't even spoken more than two sentences to.

This is such a huge leap for me because I usually can't be bothered - I actually enjoy solitary. I don't remember when was the last time I felt this burst of energy because hanging out around people and talking really drains me out. But I find myself being so much more outgoing recently.

And I've been drinking and falling in love with it. I'm still quite terrible at it because I just started and all my friends are super protective of me but I actually find myself enjoying drinking and the company, even if they are not people I'm close to. I was never like this, and I even wrote a post about drinking. But now I understand that people drink to get high, to forget the pain.

Recently, I feel the need to be around people, to socialise, to... just not be alone. I'm a lot more cheerful around people and open up more. Maybe that's why I'm forcing myself to have company - because at the end of the day, when I retreat back to my shell, I am really nothing but an empty shell.

The sadness is overbearing when I'm alone. But I know no matter what I do, in the end, I'm still the same person inside.

Someone who still hates herself.
Someone who still starves herself so that she might look better.
Someone who ends up stuffing herself with food at the end of the day and ends up being even more fat.
Someone who pinches her fats all day and cry about it at night.
Someone who only feels contented when her gastric starts hurting and she starts feeling dizzy.
Someone who refuses treatment because she can never talk about how bad she feels.
Someone who still can't accept who she is.
Someone who doesn't believe that anyone can ever love her.
Someone who lost her direction and have no idea where is she heading towards.
Someone who still hates the reflection she sees in the mirror.
Someone who still doesn't believe that she's ever good enough.
Someone so insecure that she hardly feels happy for others.
Someone so empty that she even loses herself in the midst of everything.
Someone who scares even herself.

I'm so confused by myself.
Who am I?

Spending my Saturday the way I like it - lazing around, chilling away from my phone and thinking about things. It occurred to me that I think of the past a lot more than I should; I find myself reminiscing and smiling to myself a lot. That shouldn't be a problem, right? But I end up being sad about it because I know things can never be the same again and I can never go back. I guess life's like this. We always find the present tense but the past perfect.

I've been thinking a lot about 2014 now that it's coming to an end and I just can't put my finger on it. Simply said, 2014 has been such a roller coaster ride for me.

This year... I found myself opening up a lot more and trying more new things. I made so many more friends this year than I ever did in the recent years. I've also finally found what I want to do in the future. I'm in the midst of designing something to launch on my blog and I'm collaborating with a pretty huge organisation. Sounds like a pretty awesome year right?

But with the good comes the bad, and I'm not sure if I can handle all of that.

I've met people I never thought I would get along well with, but I also lost people I never imagined myself losing. Memories of those that I loved dearly and lost are flooding back to me but surprisingly, I only remember the good. Which is great in a way, because only the positive things are worth remembering. I guess maybe at some point, I just grew up and realised that I can't hold grudges forever.

I try to remember the last conversation we had, the last time we had fun, our last "see you!" No matter how valuable these memories are right now, I just can't remember. Every time I remember something about you, I'm merely remembering the last time I remember it - it's no longer the moment I'm remembering. And every single time, I find those memories fading just a little more.

It kills me. It kills me knowing that one day I'll forget. I'll forget what being close to you felt like. I'll forget how you hug me when I'm feeling upset. I'll forget the way we laughed over something stupid I did. I'll forget the late night talks we had. I'll forget the long texts you sent me when I was at my worst. I already forgot the bad, one day I'll forget the good too.

But I know I met you for a reason - whether I like it or not. And I'll let you be a lesson learnt. That I should never put all my eggs in one basket. That losing someone is part and parcel of growing up. That your friends who say they'll be your listening ear can be missing when you need them the most. That "I'll be here" doesn't exist in some people's dictionary.

Yes, I wrote this post thinking of you. I wrote this for you. Anyone else who reads it wouldn't understand it the way you would. And if you think this is about you, it is. I miss whatever little we had and it hurts me knowing that you don't feel the same.

Maybe forgetting isn't that bad after all.

One of those days when I don't feel good again. It has happened so often recently and I've been getting irritated over the littlest things lately :/ I've been feeling so inadequate and then I make things worse for myself by stalking pretty girls and feeling even more insecure ugh sometimes I think I deserve it? Wtf.

Today something happened that made me feel...... Rather uneasy? No, that's not the word but I can't find better words to describe it so I'll leave it at that. I still find it hard to talk to people about things and I keep most of my thoughts to myself so it doesn't help much :/ But I'm thankful that the people around me let me be instead of forcing an answer out of me. I don't know, maybe I'll speak about it someday and figure things out but now I'm just retreating back to my shell. We'll see how it goes I guess.

Even though it's only the beginning of the third week of school, I'm so done with this semester already. I started counting down to Christmas break today, and it is only 47 days away!!! Kind of looking forward to Christmas even though I don't have any plans and my birthday even though I don't have any plans too. Lolol. I guess I'm just looking forward to relaxing and giving myself a break.

But I never really truly give myself time to rest. When I'm not studying, I'm just myself busy basically with all the other work that I have. But I'm lucky in the sense that I have the privilege to do what I love so everything isn't that bad after all.

Recently, I've been making plans to launch something on my blog too. While I'm not too sure of the details yet, this is something I've been wanting to do for a long time now so I'm rather excited :-) Well at least there's something to look forward to. :))

After looking at things from another angle, I think I'm quite fortunate and I shouldn't be complaining so much. I think this is one of the reasons I love writing so much :) But this post is so boring without much thought put into it but I'll write again soon when I feel a little better. :)

I'm sorry if I've avoided your questions on my askfm but I really seek your understanding; I will talk when I'm ready. Also, thank you for leaving me the nicest messages on my askfm I really appreciate all of them even though I can't answer some due to privacy issues.

Thank you all ♡♡♡

It still bothers me to this date because the change was so sudden and we never talked about it. I've always been one to speak my thoughts but when it comes to you... I kept my mouth shut. I cared too much about what you thought or felt. I cared too much and told myself to be happy with what I had. I cared too much and didn't want to bring things up lest you get upset.

The past year was filled with me trying and trying and trying over and over again silently. But the result is always the same. I'm never your priority. You can even say that I'm bitter and petty bringing this up again because I am. I haven't gotten over it, and I don't think I ever will. I don't know what have I done wrong for you to treat me this way because I've done everything that I can to keep this up.

Do you know how I feel? I feel like I've beem betrayed. That I put you so high up on my list but to you, I'm just somebody else. That your priorities wasn't set right and I was neglected because of that. That you never bothered to try and amend your mistakes. That you just let this be, let this slide. That I was just another person in your life that you can easily leave.

Everyone said it's no longer worth it - even my mom who has always adored you. I guess sometimes mothers do know best but I really wanted things to work out. Right now, I can clearly see things aren't going the way I wished but I really wish there's a closure for me.

A reason you acted this way so that I can finally move on.

A way for me to say goodbye and close this chapter of my life.

Just one final goodbye.

A whirlwind of thoughts flooding my mind right now and I'm not sure if I can accurately put my thoughts into words. Maybe I haven't felt the dread because I've been so busy with everything else, or maybe I kept myself busy so I wouldn't have to face that sinking feeling.

I prepped myself for the day but it still didn't felt right when today came. Today, I accepted the fact that you've left. I stood there watching you fade into a dot, then into nothing. I fought back tears because I didn't want to seem weak and helpless in front of you.

But I cried so hard the moment I was alone. The tears kept on rolling down my cheeks despite my weak attempts to stop them. I buried myself under whatever I could find on my bed and made weird seal noises; I cried till I went hyuk-hyuk and I was basically breathless.

I'm still weak.
And I miss you.
Goodbye and take care.
We'll meet again soon.

Every couple has a honeymoon period that they go through. When days feel like hours, hours feel like minutes and minutes pass by like seconds. When you stick to each other like magnets, eager to learn more about your other half.

But this doesn't last forever. Reality will set in, you will get busy with other things, you will eventually stop wanting to stick together all the time.

If you ever used GrabTaxi or other taxi apps in Singapore, you would know how frustrating it is, especially during the peak hour. Not only that, on top of the forever rising cab fares, you still have to pay for the on-call fee. (This is NOT an ad)

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So I started socialising a little more because I decided i need to at least try to stop being so introverted since my internship is starting soon and I'll need to mix around then anyway.


We talked for a while, like y'know those basic awkward small talks and I tried lightening the mood with "HAHA" because I'm awkward like that.

Then I told him I have to bathe and sleep soon because I have a job interview the next day (it was successful by the way YAY)

(censored where I live because this is the internet after all)
At this point I was just like,

Is he hitting on me??

I let it go because I thought he was just being cheeky lah and I can be flirty sometimes too, but I just ignored that part and continued the conversation. So we continued talking and I said I'm going to bed soon (or something like that. I don't have the conversation anymore because my phone ran out of memory and I had to clear all conversations.)

(part 1)
(censored away the days I'm planning to work as well because I don't like mixing work with personal life )

I thought the human alarm part was a little weird but yeah, brushed it away again.

(part 2)
Seems pretty normal, right? So yeah, I continued talking to him since he seemed like a nice enough guy and I don't mind having one more friend anyway.


Then I was like, "ok he's definitely hitting on me wtf."

Anyway, so he did create an Instagram account and followed me. I thought it was weird that his instagram was "XYZ" (just an example) while his initials according to whatsapp was "NMO" (he didn't use Leroy in it) but I didn't think much about it lah because I thought it was some nickname.

Another thing is that Leroy's profile picture is of a baby so I asked if that's his baby since he's 20 and I have friends pregnant at 17 and it isn't that uncommon to me.



Ok he was obviously interested and yeah I gotta admit that it stroked my ego too but I treated him as another friend that I'd talk to when I have nothing to do.

Anyway, that day, I rushed out of my house to my job interview, got the job, did a victory dance, then went home. On my way home, Leroy's friend who was also there with us tagged me in an Instagram photo of the group of us together. One instagram account was tagged in it and it's "OngLeroy"

This part gets really confusing.

Another night when I have too much on my mind and I just wish to type. I've been thinking a lot lately and I realised I've been behaving so much like a coward. It's time I step up and ask for the answers to my questions instead of guessing all the time. I'm such an expressive person yet at the same time, I think too much of the consequences. No more. If I want peaceful nights, I have to get the answers I need.

In other news, school is starting in less than a week for me. I am obviously dreading school but I guess it's good that I have assignments to keep me so busy I have no time to think of other stuff.


I've been thinking a lot this whole holidays and they aren't exactly great thoughts so hopefully I will be buried in school assignments again. But ugh the stress gets too much sometimes. DO YOU GET MY DILEMMA :(

I also have a job interview this Saturday. Yeah, I know right, fancy looking for a job just when my semester is beginning but I really want to keep myself busier.

Too little things to do and too much free time just allows my mind to roam freely and nothing good comes out of that, except maybe a blog post. I guess getting a job is good as well my weekends are pretty much free nowadays anyway so I might as well do something productive that will also look good on my resume.


I guess this will also mean that I have lesser time sit down, let the creative juice flow and just enjoy the writing process but I hope I'll get to work with great teammates this coming semester and get a job that I'll end up loving. Really hope that I get to keep my weeks packed so that I don't end up wasting my life away worrying about irrelevant things.

Feeling so happy today!!! I guess I don't really feel happy a lot, especially at night because I think too much and cause myself to get unhappy but today is one of the rare nights :))

Majority of it is probably because I went to USS today with my brother! I got him the season pass which burned a hole in my pocket but I guess it was worth it because he was elated too hehe. I swear I have never went to USS and returned home unhappy ever.

The sun was great too and my brother wasn't complaining much about me stopping often to take photos so I also got some pretty good shots that I like even though I forgot to charge my camera and had to rely on my iPhone 6 all day! I then spent my night just filtering and editing my photos which made me feel happy even though I'm exhausted from my trip.

Most of my pictures were of the sun because I have this obsession with sunsets after reading The Outsiders at 14. One of my favourite quotes from the book is


I'll leave the quote up to your own interpretation but this quote really made me start seeing things from a different light (no pun intended wtf).