Sometimes you forget that I am only human too.
I have days when I feel horrible too.

And today's just one of them;
One of the days I think too much.

Is this a test?
What does this mean?

The temptation is too great.

I have never been one to fail,
Especially not in this area.

Sometimes I ask myself why;
Do I see this as a challenge?

Am I just challenging myself?
I love challenges.

I know I can if I try.
But should I try?

Damn.

I scare myself so much.
How can I have such a terrible thought?

Why am I feeling this way?
What have I become?

I'm not a good person.
I'm horrible.

I don't know who I am anymore.

A couple of days back, I received a very strange and unexpected email. The title read "A letter from May 17th, 2013‏." I opened it thinking it's just another junk mail; never did I expect that it would actually bring me to a trip down memory lane.


Apparently, it was a letter I wrote to myself exactly a year ago. I cannot even remember how did I stumble upon this website that allows users to send their future selves emails. I vaguely remember being skeptical about this website because a year's pretty long when it comes to digital media so I wasn't even sure if it really works. I probably decided to give it a shot because I've nothing to lose anyway.

I honestly can't remember what happened that day because it doesn't matter to me anymore. I'm really quite surprised because I'm quite a hoarder and I remember the most insignificant memories, but I don't even have one bit of memory left about that day.

This email lingered in my mind for a day before I finally went to my archives and tried to figure out what was I upset about. It was then that I was linked to this post I wrote a year back. Memories became flooding back - I remembering being a mess; I knew things wouldn't last between my ex-boyfriend and me but I wasn't willing to give up yet.

Things eventually ended between us which was obviously for the better. Back then, I thought I would never be able to forget him and I was vengeful because I hated him for the lies he told me. Somehow, along the journey, I stopped hating him and the things he did. I came to terms with the fact that we weren't meant to be. I learned to find peace within myself and forgave him.

Today, I still don't think I will ever forget him but I learned that there's a difference between forgetting and moving on. I won't forget him the same way I won't forget the friends I used to be so close to, but he no longer holds a special place in my heart. Instead of looking back to the past all the time, I've learned to let go and look forward.

I'm so glad I'm a much happier person than I was at that time, but this email made me think a lot. It made me reflect. My ex-boyfriend changed my life in ways more than one but one of the things he said that left the biggest impact on me was,


I don't know why did it leave just a big impact on me, but it did. Maybe because deep down, I knew it's true. That I grew up, met new people and my expectations changed. That I stopped trying to be a good girlfriend, stopped being faithful. That I started lying and even I no longer knew who I was. That I opened my eyes and stopped living in a fairytale.

Yet it's funny how easily I put that episode at the back of my mind, and how satisfied I am right now with my life. A year ago, I wouldn't thought I could be this contented, this idyllic. I guess it just goes to show that things may not be as bad as we think they are. Maybe the things I see as significant now wouldn't even mean a thing to me one year on. Maybe I should spend me time wisely on the things that really count.

And maybe, just maybe I should write another email to my future self to remind myself of how lucky I am to be with my boyfriend whom I thought was perfect for me from the start and that I should never take such a amazing guy for granted. :-)

Note: Except for cropping, all photos in this blog post are unfiltered and unedited.

A little after I first got together with my boyfriend, I let myself go. I started wearing only t-shirt and shorts and no longer cared much about my image. My thinking back then was "why bother dressing up and looking good when we're just going to stay at home anyway?"

However, it dawned on me that I was being self-centered. While I became lazier and lazier, my boyfriend never let himself go. He dresses himself well even if he was just sending me home. So I decided I should put in more effort to look good - which in turn makes my boyfriend looks good as well.

I tried dressing up but I didn't know what to wear because I looked horrible in everything anyway.


I felt fat in most of the clothes I wore and nothing could give me the confidence to wear nicer clothes. I hated taking photos and even contemplated on photoshopping all my photos, only to realise that it was too much work. T~T

My friends couldn't understand what was I whining about because camera angles made me look much skinnier than I actually am. It also helped that my arms and legs are relatively skinny but what I was actually self-conscious about was my tummy.


I had no waistline to speak of and my tummy was bulging. I hated the sight of it when I bathe and I pinch my fats constantly at night, hoping they would go away. As many of you know, I've always been really really really self-conscious about my weight (seen from my previous post in November).

In November, weighing at 46kg, I was the fattest I've ever been. My confidence hit rock bottom and I felt so horrible daily. Then one day, I decided to just do something about it and stop being fat and lazy. Complaining wasn't going to help me lose weight.

I was never overweight - always within the healthy weight range, or underweight so it came as a surprise to many when I started exercising to lose weight. But losing weight it makes me feel good, I'll give it a shot. So I started by downloading workout apps on my phone but not just any workout apps - I downloaded apps with workouts requiring less than 10 minutes, specifically targeted at the abdomen.

It wasn't much but bit by bit, I saw improvements weeks after my first workout and that motivated me to continue even more! I started going for evening jogs too because why not!


I started seeing more progress yay!
(Yes I pretty much repeat my sleeping clothes every week.)
(And I do wash my shorts - it's just like I like working out with this pair of shorts because it's loose.)


Yay I can see my thigh gap again! Yeah, I know people are going to say that thigh gap isn't good, thigh gap means blablablabla. I'm not bothered by whatever people say because the most important thing is that I'm happy ^~^

I also bought a bikini to motivate myself to work out and slim down even more. While I'm still far from my ideal body, I'm just glad I took the first step and made progress. :-)

Sadly, I've stopped working out so much since school started. Year 2 has been so busy for me that I haven't even found time to go running since this semester started T-T The good news is that I've learned to stop being so hard on myself. Hopefully, I'll be able to go back to my routine when my hell submission weeks are over.

Looking back at these photos make me feel the motivation to continue my journey even though school has been really hectic for me.

My weight loss isn't drastic but it surely made me a happier person with more confidence! :-)

I wished that moment would last forever, I wish it didn't have to end.
I closed my eyes, and did everything I could to have that moment etched in my memory.
The way your eyes curve when you smile, the way your face scrunches up when you laugh.
The way your chin rested on my head, the way you smelt, the way you look.
We were silent; we didn't speak and we didn't have to - it just felt right.
Yet tears welled up in my eyes and I had to fought to keep them from rolling out.
Deep in my heart, I knew we only have a few seconds left.
The earth continued spinning, the world continued moving.
Nothing I could do could make it stop. Eventually, I gave up and gave in.
Time wasn't on my side. Time is never on my side when it comes to you.
Much as I hate to see you go, I know saying goodbye is inevitable.

At least this isn't permanent.

Absence. Void. Emptiness.
An unoccupied space. The lack of feelings.
The vacancy in your heart that allows your mind to wander endlessly.

The voices taunted you countless times.
The thoughts haunt you everyday.
You feel yourself falling, you feel the walls you put up crumble.

Do you actually let go of someone, or do you just release the feelings you had?
Do you actually ever stop feeling the pain, or do you just get numbed by it?
Do you actually forget someone, or does the void just eats that unoccupied space up?
I don't have the answers. Can anyone give you any satisfactory answer?

Yet, one day the heartbreak will go away.
You'll wake up and realise that you don't really need him after all.
You feel the pain less with each passing day.
You won't care anymore but you don't notice it.
You realise that you have better things to worry about.

You thought you would die without him, but you lived.
You're still breathing, and you're happy with what you have now.
Yes, even if it means you don't have him anymore.

You've been set free.
You will be free.