Life comes crashing down — in waves, no less — when you least expect it. Consumed by this overwhelming misplaced sense of longing, I'm perpetually in a state of yearning; this continual ache that turns my stomach topsy-turvy and guides my heart to my throat. Restricted by circumstances yet craving for an answer from you. Something. Anything at all.

The most painful thing about dreams is that they have the power to destroy you. Your subconscious mind knows what hurts you the most and plays with that. All the what if and could have been that you've been wondering about — those are the things you dream of.

And you.

You were my what if.

Despite your presence through the gloomy times, your comforting words when I was caught in the darkness, I couldn't make up my mind. Time and again, I chose someone else over you. For a moment there, I was so sure of my decision; I was very damn sure that I made the right choice. But as they always said, you don't know what you have till it's gone forever.

In that dream, that span of an hour or so, nothing changed between us and our stupid misunderstanding, which I regrettably didn't try to resolve until it's too late, didn't happen. You told me you're going to be here for me, and you proved it with your actions. You held me and suddenly the world stopped spinning. For once, it felt like everything's really going to be okay and in that moment, I truly believed in your words.

The words you spoke in my dream, that is. This persistent feeling that wouldn't go away. I shouldn't have been so adamant, so stubborn. I should have listened and made amendments while I still could give it a shot.

They were wrong about not missing what you never had.

(Written May 2016)